I have to give these guys props. I’m talking about the Kosher Eucharist blog – based out of NOLA (Tulane), one guy is Jewish and the the other is not. Watch as whacky hijinks ensue! Anyhow, one of their recent postings… well, it made me laugh really hard. I’ll just reproduce it verbatim and then encourage y’all to go visit the blog:

Posted by Chris (that’s the not-Jewish guy):

— begin quote —

From a vague source via the Village Voice:

Commenting on an incident in which two men threw pies at her during an October 21 appearance at the University of Arizona, right-wing pundit Ann Coulter said, “[A]n act of terrorism was committed against me.”

SHUT. UP.

Throwing pies is silly. Throwing pies is immature. Throwing pies is not lethal. Ann Coulter was in danger of nothing other than the soiling of her sensible pantsuit. Acts of terrorism, you histrionic shrew, tend to involve explosions and the deaths of innocent people, not the moderate inconvenience of a woman who likely spent much of her high school career doodling “Mrs. Ann Nixon” in her notebooks. People didn’t like you and reacted. THAT’S WHAT PEOPLE DO, ANN. THAT’S YOUR CAREER. If throwing pies is an act of terrorism in her world, is picking up a penny off the street theft? My advice, Ann: if the outside world is too full of tasty, flaky-crusted TERRORIST ACTS, why don’t you hole up in your house and bake up a storm of mass murder and censorship?

Chocolate chip, please.

— end quote —

These guys are very entertaining, and I was further compelled to give ‘em a plug because they left open their stats program and I determined that, let’s just say, they could use a bit more traffic. Oh and we need to suck up to them because thegrandmuffti and I are totally crashing at their place for mardi gras. They think we’re kidding but we’re not. Like I said… stay tuned.

60.000 attend rally commemorating 9th anniversary of Rabin’s assasination

I have nothing clever to add to this. Read about Saturday’s rally at Rabin square in Tel Aviv here, here, here, here and here (where Sharon apologizes to Rabin).

Arutz Sheva reports that free wireless Internet access will debut in Jerusalem, this Monday at 3:30 pm.

The first phase of the program will provide FREE wireless Internet connectivity in the Safra Square, Ben-Yehuda Mall, and Nachlat Shiva areas. The service will be free of charge for the first year. In coming months, additional areas around the city will go live as well, providing easy Internet access to persons with compatible laptops and palm devices.

It is so comforting to know that no matter what happens, I can always pack my laptop and make Aliyah to Israel. And even if I can’t find a job and am forced to be homeless, crashing in various nooks and crannies, showering occasionally at the Y etc. I’ll have free wireless Internet access. Sweet. Seriously, I have no idea why I am still here …

The Washington Post reveals that

Yemeni President Ali Abdullah Saleh Saturday accused Israel of trying to divide Palestinian ranks as Palestinian leader Yasser Arafat’s health deteriorated.

Above and beyond the obvious and well documented divisions amongst various Palestinian factions and clans, I have but one question.

Who gives a rat’s ass what Yemen thinks? Last time I checked Yemen was a country full of khat junkies and a wholly owned subsidiary of Hunt Petroleum. “President” Ali Abdullah Saleh, who’s never heard of a conspiracy he couldn’t blame on Israel, should just STFU already, continue chewing on his khat while quietly collecting his residual checks from the oil people.

… not in any particular order

1. Have God create a wife for you while you sleep.

And the LORD God caused a deep sleep to fall upon Adam, and he slept: and he took one of his ribs, and closed up the flesh instead thereof; And the rib, which the LORD God had taken from man, made he a woman, and brought her unto the man. And Adam said, This [is] now bone of my bones, and flesh of my flesh: she shall be called Woman, because she was taken out of Man. Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife: and they shall be one flesh. And they were both naked, the man and his wife, and were not ashamed.
–Genesis 2:20-25

2. Find a man with seven daughters and then impress him.

“The priest of Midian had seven daughters. They came to draw water, and filled the troughs to water their father’s flock. But some shepherds came and drove them away. Moses got up and came to their defense and watered their flock.” When the father found out what Moses had done, he told his daughters to invite him to break bread. “Moses agreed to stay with the man, and he gave Moses his daughter Zipporah in marriage.”
–Exodus 2:16-21

3. Marry a captive woman.

Suppose you see among the captives a beautiful woman whom you desire and want to marry, and so you bring her home to your house: she shall shave her head, pare her nails, discard her captive’s garb, and shall remain in your house a full month, mourning for her father and mother; after that you may go into her and be her husband, and she shall be your wife.
–Deuteronomy 21:11-13

4. When you see someone you like, go home and tell your parents.

“I have seen a . . . woman; now get her for me.” If your parents question your decision, simply say, “Get her for me. She’s the one for me.” (Samson)
–Judges 14:1-3

5. Go to a party and hide. When the women come out to dance, grab one and carry her off to be your wife.

Therefore they commanded the children of Benjamin, saying, Go and lie in wait in the vineyards; And see, and, behold, if the daughters of Shiloh come out to dance in dances, then come ye out of the vineyards, and catch you every man his wife of the daughters of Shiloh, and go to the land of Benjamin … And the children of Benjamin did so, and took [them] wives, according to their number, of them that danced, whom they caught: and they went and returned unto their inheritance, and repaired the cities, and dwelt in them.
–Judges 21:20-23

6. Purchase a piece of property, and get a woman as part of the deal.

Moreover Ruth the Moabitess, the wife of Mahlon, have I purchased to be my wife, to raise up the name of the dead upon his inheritance, that the name of the dead be not cut off from among his brethren, and from the gate of his place: ye [are] witnesses this day.
–Ruth 4:5-10

7. Cut 200 foreskins off of your future father-in-law’s enemies and get his daughter for a wife.

And Saul said, Thus shall ye say to David, The king desireth not any dowry, but an hundred foreskins of the Philistines, to be avenged of the king’s enemies. But Saul thought to make David fall by the hand of the Philistines … Wherefore David arose and went, he and his men, and slew of the Philistines two hundred men; and David brought their foreskins, and they gave them in full tale to the king, that he might be the king’s son in law. And Saul gave him Michal his daughter to wife.
–1 Samuel 18:27

8. Don’t be so picky. Make up for quality with quantity.

But king Solomon loved many strange women, together with the daughter of Pharaoh, women of the Moabites, Ammonites, Edomites, Zidonians, [and] Hittites; Of the nations [concerning] which the LORD said unto the children of Israel, Ye shall not go in to them, neither shall they come in unto you: [for] surely they will turn away your heart after their gods: Solomon clave unto these in love. And he had seven hundred wives, princesses, and three hundred concubines: and his wives turned away his heart.
–1 Kings 11:1-3

9. Become the emperor of a huge nation and hold a beauty contest.

And let the king appoint commissioners in all the provinces of his kingdom to gather all the beautiful young virgins to the harem in the citadel of Susa under custody of Hegai, the king’s eunuch, who is in charge of the women; let their cosmetic treatments be given them. And let the girl who pleases the king be queen instead of Vashti. This pleased the king and he did so.
–Esther 2:3-4

10. Marry a prostitute.

When the Lord first spoke through Hosea, the Lord said to Hosea, “Go, take for yourself a wife of whoredom and have children of whoredom, for the land commits great whoredom by forsaking the Lord. So he went and took Gomer daughter of Diblaim, and she conceived and bore him a son.
–Hosea 1:2-3

Tip of the hat to RaptureReady.com, a Christian fundamentalist site ordinarily dedicated to assisting its followers in their preparations for the rapture – the second coming of Jesus when all the faithful will float up into the air and be taken to heaven… or something. The info for this post was taken from a section called “Humor Break” but I find the entire site kinda funny.

Shavuah Tov.

So the parsha of the week is Vayera and roughly breaks down as follows (from Torah.org):

1st Aliya: The three angels appear to Avraham and foretell the birth of Yitzchak. Upon hearing the news, Sarah laughs to herself.

2nd Aliya: The angels depart to destroy Sodom, and Hashem [G-d] tells Avraham about His plans for destroying Sodom. Pasuk 18:18-19 proclaims G-d’s confidence in Avraham to teach the world the concept of justice. Avraham negotiates, unsuccessfully, on behalf of Sodom.

3rd Aliya: The story of the destruction of Sodom is told. Lot’s generosity to the “two visitors” is rewarded and he, his wife, and only two of their children are saved from Sodom.

4th Aliya: Lot’s wife looks back upon the destruction of Sedom and dies, and Lot and his two daughters escape into the mountains. Lot’s daughters conspire to rebuild humankind, and taking advantage of Lot’s drunkenness, they become pregnant from Lot resulting in the birth of Ammon and Moav. Avraham encounters Abimelech after which Sarah gives birth to Yitzchak..

5th Aliya: Yishmael and Hagar are forced out of Avraham’s home, and an angel reassures Hagar of Yishmael’s destiny.

6th Aliya: Abimelech and his general Phichol resolve their conflict with Avraham over water rights, and they “sign” a covenant of peace.

7th Aliya: When Avraham was 137 and Yitzchak was 37, Avraham is commanded to sacrifice Yitzchak. This amazing story heralds the end of Avraham and Sarah’s era, and the beginning of Yitzchak and Rivkah’s era.

Here are some interesting Divrei Torah in English from Bar Ilan University about the Parsha.

Shabbat Shalom!

So how come I never get to go to Paris anymore and a murderous terrorist gets an open invitation from Chirac? Is it the $500 million he is rumored to have stashed away in Swiss accounts? Is it because Suha, his “wife,” lives in Paris and has obviously changed her diet from Middle Eastern to French cuisine?

Also, why does he look like a Cheshire cat? He seems ill, but as a few commentators have pointed out, the timing of this little illness is quite effective, with Sharon’s disengagement plan victory suddenly seeming immaterial if the “non-partner” on the other side is gone or replaced. Is this illness real of feigned? Was this a ploy? Will the wily old piece of scum who has survived all these years despite attempts to kill him, and even outlasted a plane crash where others died, finally let out that last foul breath? Or will he survive again, this time back in Europe, gallivanting around trying to promote his sinister plans for Israel and its inhabitants?

So many questions…

One, for your voice. Yes, you heard me right. Two, for your lyrics that probably mean nothing but people keep attaching deep, cosmic meaning to. Three, for existing on the cusp of either being curiously quite attractive or not good looking at all. Four, for all those biting break-up songs i learned to play guitar with after my first real heartbreak. Five, for the way your silence leads us to believe you are more complex that you are. Six, for your musical simplicity, Seven, for f*cking the establishment by going electric at a folk festival. Eight, for keeping the track on Bringing It All Back Home when you start laughing and have to start over. Nine, for not dying young, despite the tragically romantic appeal of it. And ten, for writing a memoir that after 304 pages still doesn’t really tell us anything about you that we couldn’t have picked up on from your music.

Barring the fact that all people eventually do die, Israeli curator, Ory Dessau, seems a little bit more psychic now with regard to his 2003 exhibit at Tel Aviv’s Dvir Gallery entitled “Guess Who Died?” – a show which examined Israel’s favorite Anti-Icon, Yassir Arafat.

This post might make more sense in a couple of days. Or not.

I’m only on page 70, but really enjoying this book, ‘The Israelis: Ordinary People in an Extraordinary Land,’ by Donna Rosenthal. Its anecdotal, anthropological. Here’s a soundbite:

An international-news producer friend at CNN told me: “Our viewers are confused. We have footage of Jews who look like Arabs, Arabs who look like Jews. We have black Jews. Bearded sixteenth-century Jews, and sexy girls in tight jeans. Who are these people anyway?” Part of the answer, I hope, is in this book. Who are the Israelis who order Big Macs in the language of the Ten Commandments, believe that waiting in line is for sissies, and light up Marlboros under NO SMOKING signs?…

Cruise it next time you are at the bookshop, but if she gets all crazy on page 71, I claim no responsibility for the above.

Thank you everyone for the kind words regarding my recent misfortune. You know what else? My sister got robbed today too – in a completely different part of town. She stepped out to see a movie (she has a newborn and it was the first time she actually had some time for herself). When she got back 2 hours later, her place had been ransacked – the diamond tennis bracelet I bought her for her wedding had been stolen along with other Jewelry. I got off relatively easy but today was not a banner day for the ck clan.

Anyhow, here’s a proper shakshuka recipe, the way my Mom Brakha makes it. So forget perfect measurements – be prepared to fly by the seat of your pants….

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and I am really pissed

I am not very pleasant right now. i hate crack heads and thieves of all stripes and i hate the ineptitude of the police and i hate the idiot in my building who left the front door open and i hate the people who built and run my building who couldn’t even get a simple self locking door right. don’t even get me started. haven’t our people suffered enough?

Sharon and others spoke at memorial services for Rabin. Among other things, Rabin’s family is wishing Sharon all the best in the hope that he would not become yet another assassinated Israeli PM.

What have we become?

Damn, I’m hungry!

The Shakshuka Recipe (Joan Nathan)
Yield: six servings

2 pounds fresh tomatoes, unpeeled and cut in quarters, or one 28-ounce can tomatoes
6 cloves garlic, roughly diced
2 teaspoons salt, or to taste
1 teaspoon sweet paprika
2 teaspoons tomato paste
1/4 cup vegetable oil
6 large eggs

1. Place the tomatoes, garlic, salt, paprika, tomato paste, and vegetable oil in a small saucepan. Bring to a simmer and cook, uncovered, over low heat until thick, for about 30 minutes, stirring occasionally.

2. Ladle the tomato sauce into a greased 12-inch frying pan. Bring to a sim­mer and break the eggs over the tomatoes. Gently break the yolks with a fork. Cover and continue to cook for about 3 to 4 minutes, until the eggs are set. Bring the frying pan directly to the table. Set it on a trivet and spoon out the shakshuka.
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So the JPost is reporting a bout a group of “activists” that is promising to harrass the sons of Arik Sharon. How do you harrass them? By following them when they go shopping and cursing them with loudspeakers. Let’s hope they leave their guns at home.

And there’s more:

On Wednesday, police discovered an Israeli flag desecrated at a Jerusalem school and a noose hanging from the mast. Police also arrested three
right-wing activists, known to police, after they were caught hanging posters, reading “The Left has backstabbed us – Kahane was right.”

On Tuesday graffiti was found on Shmuel Hanavi Street in Jerusalem reading: “We assassinated Rabin, we will also assassinate Sharon.” Later in the day, on a wall near Dizengoff Square in Tel Aviv police found graffiti stating “A political assassination would be blessed.”

There are times when I get a glimmer of hope that peace with our neighbors may actually be possible.
And then there are times when those hopes are burned to the ground and shoveled over with dirt.

Like when I read the report on the brand spanking new Palestinian National Authority textbooks for grades 4 and 9 recently published by the Center for Monitoring the Impact of Peace.
Here are some highlights of thier findings

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Mohamed Elmasry, president of the Canadian Islamic Congress is catching shit for saying all Israelis above the age of 18 are legitimate targets of attack. He made the comments while appearing live on some TV show.

When asked whether “anyone over the age of 18 in Israel is a valid target,” Elmasry replied: “Anybody above 18 is part of the (Israeli) army.” The show’s moderator followed with another question: “Anyone in Israel, irrespective of gender, over the age of 18 is a valid target?” “Yes, I would say,” Elmasry responded … Elmasry said on the show that since all adult Israelis are part of their country’s army, they are not bystanders in the conflict. “But they are not innocent if they are part of the total population which is part of the army. … From 18 on, they are soldiers, even if they have civilian clothes,” Elmasry said.

Elmasry was condemned by the usual suspects (Jews) but he was also condemned by Tarek Fatah, a founding member of the Muslim Canadian Congress, who said that Elmasry’s comments were a thinly veiled attack on Jews and hurt the Palestinian cause. “Palestinians have a moral and legal obligation to fight the Israeli occupation but to believe all Israelis are targets is … the height of hypocrisy,” he said.

His comments were also called “regrettable” by his own organization – the CIC. However, in the same press release, Elmasry offers this explanation:

Within the context of discussion on the show, Dr. Elmasry was presenting not his own views — but those of a significant segment of Palestinians under occupation.”I sincerely regret that my comments were misunderstood and, as a result, caused offense,” he said today.

Dr. Elmasry? I sincerely regret that you are such a dumb ass. Please do not misunderstand my comments – I am only further offended that you actually think that anyone with any intelligence would believe your pathetic back tracking. Elmasry is in fact a very accomplished academic and Engineer and really ought to have known better.

I usually don’t wish ill upon others but I have to admit that a slight hope has made my heart lighter in recent days, that Yassir Arafat might have cancer.

Sadly, it’s just a large gallstone.

By the way, the Israelis have allowed him to leave his ruined hovel and go to Ramallah to be looked at in a hospital. I think they dread having him die in a manner that would get them blamed for his death.

To Jewlicious.com brainchild, ck, and all his blogging affiliates, I’d like to announce one important thing: We rock.

From the ridiculous to the sublime, and back again, I am impressed by the tonal range of voices on this site. Regular readers, why don’t you post a valentine comment and share the love, too?

Now, I can make my own – and so can you!

Implicate the Jewish people, if you fancy. Implicate SUV owners. Implicate Rush Limbaugh, if you will. But, by all means (and there isn’t much of a choice here), implicate Dubbya – if even only as a response to ck’s inconceivable shmaltz a few posts back. I searched for the irony but my hands came out all earnest and gooey. Yuck.

Remember back in the early 90s, after the Berlin Wall had fallen and after Glasnost and Perestroika preceded the collapse of the Soviet Empire? You were probably working at some lame-o job somewhere and the news had somehow filtered down to you that big bucks were to be made in the former Soviet Union? You imagined yourself the big robber baron, descending upon the unsuspecting and unsophisticated Russkis to trade them Western goods like uh… Snickers bars and Crest tootpaste for large swaths of resource rich lands…. anyhow, it never amounted to more than a daydream and instead of living large in Moscow, you stuck with your little-bo peep jobby job in Jersey.

But not everyone lacked the boldness you did. Thus we witnessed the emergence of one of the greediest, most corrupt and rapacious group of men. Known as the Oligarchs, these ubber capitalists basically managed to steal the country. Working in tandem with corrupt politicians at the highest level, a new word was coined to describe the type of governance endured by the Russian people – kleptocracy, rule by thieves.

Chief among these thieves were a number of colorful yids who exacted revenge for countless pogroms, purges and centuries of institutional anti-Semitism from both the right and the left. Their greed knew no bounds and the wealth they accumulated was astounding, but the question is, where are they now? Exile.ru – an awesome English language independent Moscow-based weekly lets us in on the status of the Oligarchs:

Only now, in the increasingly bland, dry, bureaucratic-fascism of the Putin era, do we realize how much we miss the Russian Oligarchy, some of the most colorful, most amoral characters ever assembled. What happened to them? While many praise Putin’s successful bitch-slapping of the oligarch class, few actually stop to wonder where they are — which is too bad, because this story has all the juicy, depressing humor of an E! biop on the cast of Diff’rent Strokes, only on a grander scale.

Read No-ligarchy: The Tragicomic Collapse of Russia’s Former Masters; find out what happenned to Jewlicious Oligarchs Boris Berezovsky, Alexander Smolensky, Vitaly Malkin, Vladimir Gusinksy, et al.

Just because you didn’t become a Russian Oligarch, or work for one of them, doesn’t mean you can’t dress like an Oligarch this Halloween.

They caved.

Despite garnering strong support from such influential quarters as uh… us, the UEJF (Union of Jewish Students of France) buckled under the pressure and are modifying their too shocking “Jesus was a dirty Jew” campaign.

“We’re disappointed and saddened,” the group’s president, Yonathan Arfi, said. “We have to accept that something strong is needed today to fight against anti-Semitism. And we thought these advertisements were good, we thought they were strong.”

Arfi said that “reaction came from everywhere” and eclipsed the goal of the campaign, which was not to spark anger or show disrespect for Catholicism.

OK, let’s just completely ignore the total cave-in. The fact is that this campaign, before it was ever actually launched, garnered a whole mess of international attention. In that respect it succeeded beyond anyone’s wildest hopes and for that I tip my hat off to the UEJF. So now the question is, how are they going to “modify” the campaign and not offend anyone? Well, I have an idea. Below is what I put together for my French co-religionists.

An anti-Semitism campaign featuring Happy Bunny (TM) and brought to you by Jewlicious!

Now who could ever take offense to that?

Hilary of superjux.com, my favorite blog that can only be viewed in Internet Exploiter Explorer notes the prevalence of non-Jewish gay men trolling for booty on JDate:

So I log onto Jdate this morning to read an email and do a quick search. While reviewing my search results, the following sentence catches my eye: Non Jew seeking good guy.

From a rather cute guy’s profile.

First the non-Jewish women sign up for Jdate looking for a mensch, now gay men are doing the same. No wonder I can’t find myself a nice Jewish boy.

The comments from her always erudite readers are pretty funny too. For instance, Keith opines:

I hate to be exclusive, but JDate is for the Jews! It was set up because some of us WANT to date within the faith, and this is a good way of locating other Jews of the opposite sex. People from other religions playing in our pool is like someone from France coming over and trying to run for Congress because he thinks it’s fun.

Indeed.