The Midrash states (Midrash – Vayikra Raba 36:2) “Just as a grape vine has large and small clusters and the large clusters hang lower, so too with the Jewish people: Whoever labors in Torah and is greater in Torah, seems lower than his fellow [due to his humility].”

The Torah’s concept of greatness is ironic. Shouldn’t the great people be up on ivory towers, peering down at the peons below? Those who know so much, shouldn’t they be full of pride at their accomplishments?

I had a chance this week to visit NY where we lived for several years. I was there to celebrate the ordination of Rabbi Mati Kos, Poland’s first native born post-Holocaust Rabbi, who graduated on Sunday from Ohr Somayach Yeshiva. Rabbi Kos spent his entire speech thanking in detail all the people that helped him get to where he is today. He went out of his way to thank with a genuine heart. I saw the truth of the Midrash that beautiful and historic day. Thank you Rabbi Kos for inspiring us, we have a lot to learn from you. Good Shabbos. Shabbat Shalom.

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This is the one and only authentic TheMiddle shabbat post.

Shabbat shalom and enjoy the pickles.

Photo comes from Jewdas’s party.

Photo credit: Ynetnews.com

A Palestinian suicide bomber, dressed as a Haredi Jew, blew himself up in a car driven by an Israeli couple who had just picked him up while he was hitchhiking this evening. The couple, a young female passenger and another teenager outside the car were killed. The attack took place near a gas station at the entrance to the West Bank settlement of Kedumim. The car was completely obliterated and remained aflame for over an hour after the attack.

According to Haaretz [...a] new group linked to Fatah, the party headed by Palestinian Authority Chairman Mahmoud Abbas, claimed responsibility for the attack. The group, from the Balata refugee camp in nearby Nablus, called itself Kateb al-Shahid Chamuda and identified the bomber as Mahmoud Masharka, 24, from the West Bank city of Hebron. The Al Aqsa Martyr’s Brigade, similarly affiliated with Fatah, also claimed responsibility for the attack.

Hamas, one day after taking office, had these kind and concilliatory words in response to the attack:

“It was a natural response to the Israeli crimes, to the continued Israeli killing, incursions and arrests,” said Hamas lawmaker Mushir al Masri. “Our Palestinian people have the right to defend themselves.”

So that’s how it’s going to be then, huh? Cuz ya know Mushir, our Israeli people also have the right to defend themselves. And they don’t have to dress up as if they’re going to a Jewdas/Heeb party to do it. They can pretty much march in at will and blow your shit up. Sure a rucksack full of explosives is pretty powerful, albeit a tad indiscriminate. But that aint nothing compared to a missile or two launched from an Apache. And that’s just the tip of the iceberg. Israel has many, many ways to fuck you up.

Is that what Hamas wants for the Palestinian people? Dang yo – I see a lot of heartache and pain in your future you stupid, stupid fuckers.

Hook up with The Tribe

The Tribe is an award-winning film about the unorthodox, unauthorized history of the Jewish people and the Barbie doll…in about 15 minutes.

Official Selection: Sundance Film Festival, Tribeca Film Festival 2006

Thursday, March 30th (That’s tonight dudes)
8:00 pm to 9:00pm
Presented by the American Cinematheque
The Egyptian Theater
6712 Hollywood Boulevard, Hollywood, CA

Evening will include:
Film Screening, Panel including filmmakers Tiffany Shlain, Ken Goldberg & Gil Gershoni and a special performance by NYC spoken word artist Vanessa Hidary.

“…smart, funny…” The New York Times

“Tribe is a brilliant, irreverent, wry and buoyant film … The film is a stunning achievement and one of this year’s Black Maria Film Festival biggest and most worthy hits. I love this film and so do audiences.”
John Columbus, Founder and Director, Black Maria Film Festival

“The Tribe is a powerful, universal film that will surprise and challenge anyone who has wrestled with issues of faith, identity and history.”
-Roberta Munroe, The Sundance Film Festival

http://www.tribethefilm.com

From Ha’aretz:

According to the final results, Kadima now has 29 seats, Labor has 20, Shas and Likud have 12 each, Yisrael Beiteinu has 11, National Union-National Religious Party has nine, Pensioners’ Party has seven, United Torah Judaism has six, Meretz five, Ra’am-Ta’al three, Hadash three and Balad three.

It is already clear that almost a third of the new Knesset’s members – 39 MKs – will be new to the legislature. The greatest number of freshman MKs will be from Kadima (10), followed by Yisrael Beiteinu (eight), and the Pensioners Party (all seven MKs). Likud, National Union-National Religious Party and Balad will have no new MKs. In Meretz, Yossi Beilin is returning to the Knesset after an absence of one term.

There will be only 16 women in the Knesset, down from 18 elected in 2003.
Kadima will have the most women (six), followed by Labor (five). The National Union-NRP, Arab parties and ultra-Orthodox parties have no women
representatives.

A majority of MKs in the new Knesset are of Ashkenazi origin: 73 compared to 34 MKs of Middle Eastern or North African origin. The remaining 13 representatives are Arabs, up from 10 in the previous Knesset.

The 17th Knesset will have 34 religious and ultra-Orthodox MKs – nearly 30 percent of the legislature – compared to 30 in the 16th Knesset.

Fifteen percent of the MKs (18) hold Ph.D degrees or the title Professor.
Kadima boasts six, Labor three, and Balad and Hadash have two each.

Fourteen MKs were previously senior officers in the security forces. Among them are an ex-chief of staff (Shaul Mofaz of Kadima), a former deputy chief of staff (Matan Vilnai of Labor), two former Shin Bet chiefs (Kadima’s Avi Dichter and Labor’s Ami Ayalon), and a former Mossad chief (Labor’s Danny Yatom).

Fifteen MKs are new or relatively new immigrants who immigrated 15 years ago or more, like Avigdor Lieberman, but who are still considered olim by the public. There will be only eight MKs who live in settlements – four from the National Union-NRP, three from Yisrael Beiteinu and one from Kadima. Only two MKs live on kibbutzim (Haim Oron of Meretz and Orit Noked of Labor), and one on a moshav (Labor’s Shalom Simhon).

From Ynet

London’s National Portrait Gallery has opened an exhibit of enigmatic artist Andy Warhol’s Jewish Personalities.

The paintings showed in London date from 1980 and display in brilliant color portraits of Jewish personalities from science and psychology (Einstein and Freud) through literature (Kafka and Gertrude Stein), the arts (Gershwin and Sarah Bernhardt).

It also includes the pictures of Golda Meir, Israel’s fourth prime minister and Louis Brandeis, the first Jewish judge to be appointed to the Supreme Court of the United States.

Warhol referred to the collection as his “Jewish geniuses”. Among the eminent personalities he also decided to place the Marx brothers, Chico, Harpo and Groucho, who added their mischievous and irreverent take on life much as Andy Warhol did himself.

If you happen to be like our Jewdas friends and in London, be sure to check it out. Unfortunetly, you will not be able to see ck’s Warhol’s later work, seen above from his lesser known “Jewish Bloggers” series.

Don’t ever say that we at Jewlicious don’t bring you breathtaking and breaking news. Hat tip to Ynetnews.com for this one.

That’s right, that fine anti-Israel British paper, The Guardian, informs us that Hamas is actually threatening violence againt Israelis.

I know, I know, chances are you have just fainted from the shock and are convinced that the reporter on this article is deserving of a Pulitzer or whatever its European equivalent for digging up this hidden gem of a story.

In short,

Hamas declared a ceasefire more than a year ago and has renewed it for another year. But Mahmoud Ramahi, Hamas’s spokesman in the Palestinian parliament, said Palestinians had the right to renew hostilities within the West Bank if the occupation continued, although he ruled out a renewal of suicide attacks within Israel. Such attacks were part of a policy of retaliation for the killing of Palestinian civilians by the Israeli army, a policy which had now ended, he said.

Just so we are clear on this, not only is The Guardian reporting this story under News instead of Humor, but they are actually quoting the justification of suicide bombings as retaliation for killing of Palestinian civilians, a bald-faced lie. Still, the point is that that if one reads the article, Hamas is threatening violence if the “occupation” continues, and is threatening violence if Israel takes unilateral moves to remove itself from most of the West Bank. Also, they don’t recognize Israel but that’s not an issue, they say, because Mahmoud Abbas is able to talk to Israel and therefore can negotiate for the Palestinians even if the party in charge of the government won’t even recognize them.

It all makes sense now.

Israel’s expensive. I mean, it’s a place where Madonna tickets go for 820 Euro. This is extremely expensive since you can buy similar tickets to see Her Kabbaliciousness at Berlin’s Max Schmeling Halle [Berry] for 250 Euro. Now, I’ve never been to Europe, and have no idea how much a Euro is. But it seems to me like 820 is WAY more expensive than 250 Euro–you know, what with having a larger number in front of the word “Euro.”

But the real reason it seems expensive to me is that many articles are still only saying that the tour “might” come to Israel… (Ynet has the probability of the tour’s actually happening as 80 percent.) I’m no music industry professional. But shouldn’t you sell tickets to shows that are actually happening? And just last week, Kelly Clarkson had to cancel her concerts because of a throat infection. (Although one fan and Ynet commenter took solace in his newly purchased tickets to the WWE Smackdown scheduled to hit Israel in July…)

Of course, it’s possible she’s being non-committal so she can continue her search for a home on the Messiah Parade Route without attracting undue attention.

Madonna was known to comment, “You know that we are living in a material world, and that I am a material girl. For instance, last night I dreamt of San Pedro…just like I’d never gone, I knew the song. So don’t go for second best, baby–put your love to the test…make him express how you feel and then you know your love is real. And PS…Kabbalah rules.”

I’ve always been a big Madonna fan, but she keeps on pushing my love over the borderline. Maybe I just need a holiday…

I don’t want to hear. I don’t want to know…please don’t say you’re sorry. Especially in Hebrew. Especially if you’re a Catholic girl from Detroit who speaks with a vaguely British accent.

Brought to you by Jewlicious and When Do We Eat?

Did you ever type in Jewlicious.com, but then cock your head to the side and think “Jewlicious, what have you done for me lately?”

I know I do.

For all the hard work we put into this Web site, what good are we really if we can’t offer you cool shit every once in a while?

So with that in mind, do we have a contest for you. Gevalt such a contest.

Here’s the deal – In the film, one of the daughter’s girlfriend is not Jewish. Ironically enough, she’s the only one who can get it together to bring the matzoh (and a little soul) to the seder. What we want from you is your best Seder Survival tips for non-Jews.

Post your responses and submissions below and be sure to include your correct email address so we can contact you if you win.

What you get - basically, the best prizes being offered anywhere.

1) The grand prize winner will receive the original Ethan Stuckman (played by Max Greenfield) as tycoon, framed prop photo, as seen close up in the foyer of the Stuckman home. And we may be able to have Max Greenfield sign it himself.

2) The runner up will receive a signed script of the movie.

There will of course also be tickets and stress balls offered as well, but you want the real live authentic movie set gear. You can’t get that just anywhere.

Now for your scrolling bonus, as Esther would say, we also have, special for you, an exclusive clip of the film

For Windows Media Player

For Quicktime

Enjoy.

Winners will be announced April 14.

But wait! there’s more!
Click here to see the When do We Eat musical e-card.

(image from Ynetnews.com)

Well, it looks as if Olmert is the next Prime Minister of Israel. You may think this is a sure thing, but it still has to play out as Kadima tries to build a coalition. Why is there some hesitation here? Because a bunch of OLD Israelis (Pensioners) managed to secure 7 seats out of 120 while Kadima only managed 28. This means that Labor could take on the Pensioners and Meretz and start negotiations for a coalition before Olmert gets to play his cards. It’s unlikely that this would happen, and Israel’s President Katzav will probably give Olmert the right to built a coalition first, but you never know. The most likely scenario is that Kadima will join forces with Labor and the Pensioners and then add one more party like Shas to get over the magical 60 seats necessary to secure a majority in the Knesset. Olmert will be the PM.

Who is Olmert? Nobody really knows. He is an intelligent man who didn’t run Jerusalem all too well when he was mayor and who didn’t fear sucking up to the city’s Haredi community, even as he knew they were using him, if it meant he could hold on to power. He speaks eloquently about Israel, but last time I watched him on a Town Hall Meeting on Nightline, Dr. Barghouti was doing a far better job explaining the Palestinian position while Olmert kept sounding quite condescending as he ignored the Palestinian’s claims. Then again, he happened to be right, so maybe the condescension was warranted.

Sharon picked him out to be his protegee. He would often send Olmert out to feed the press some of their trial balloons. If something needed to be done where Sharon wanted to be Oz behind the screen, it was Olmert who would do his bidding. If the Likud needed to be beaten down because their far-right fringe (which now IS the Likud) wanted to shout down Sharon, it was Olmert who was sent over.

The loyal lieutenant finally got the promised position of being heir to the throne, but probably didn’t wish it upon himself in the manner with which it happened. Then again, if your whole life is spent in pursuit of leading the Jewish state and suddenly another man’s stroke puts you in the perfect leadership position with the right party set-up and your opponents in a hollowed out shell of your former party, you probably have to think that there’s a God upstairs and he’s looking out for you.

In this election, presenting the final votes as a referendum on his ideas, Olmert has promised that Israel will have final borders within 4 years. He has promised to finish the security barrier and move the IDF and Israelis who live east of the barrier to its western side. He intends to keep a strip of the Jordan Valley for security reasons as well. He has promised to keep the larger settlement blocks near the Green Line as part of these final borders, and intends to build the E1 neighborhood linking Ma’aleh Edumim to Jerusalem. If this sounds familiar, it should because it is essentially a combination of Israel’s offers to the Palestinians at Camp David and Taba – sans access or sovereignty over Jerusalem.

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And almost no one is voting.

Adding to the often backwards and sometimes Alice in Wonderland-like nature of this country, early reports say this will be the lowest voter turnout ever in Israeli history. Considering that this will in all likelihood be the government to decide the future borders of Israel, and that Israel has traditionally been a country that has prided itself on its high voter turn out, it seems a odd to me, but maybe there is a reason.

We’re all bored.

But as this hilarious article in the New York Times explains, boredom might be just what we need.

Sure, Olmert’s smug. But one look at his face and I’m already yawning. Forty years that man has been in politics and he hasn’t done a single thing anyone can remember.”

“That’s not exactly a reason to vote for somebody,” I said, trying to argue.

“The hell it isn’t,” my father replied. “Listen, we’ve had so many Rabins and Pereses and Begins, people who tried to galvanize everyone with their charisma and energy. None of them ever really managed to bring us peace. I’m telling you, what this region needs is Olmert — someone who’ll bore us and the Palestinians so much that we fall into a kind of stupor. A stupor that’s a kind of co-existence. A co-existence that’s a kind of peace. Forget all that ‘peace of the courageous’ stuff Barak and Arafat tried to sell us. Even a child knows that courageous people go into battle, they don’t make peace. What this region needs is a peace of the tired, and Olmert’s the man to put us all to sleep.”

Read the whole article, it’s worth it.

And if you’re Israeli VOTE!!! It was surprisingly painless for something that happens in Israel and requires a line. I recommend Atid Echad, the Ethiopian Party.

With their instant access to kol-isha-laden ringtones, frivolous purchasing via e-commerce, spam email touting Viagra, illicit and grammatically incorrect text messaging and potentially pornariffic photos, it seems fairly clear that cellular telephones are the tools of the devil. And what’s more interesting, restricting the lascivious bells and temptation-ridden whistles of cell phones seems to be the one area in which Jews, Christians and Muslims all agree.

Luckily, there are companies who have undertaken the holy work of stripping down ungepotchkaed cell phones to their basic functions. Making phone calls. And while there’s no “OU” or “Khof K” or any of those other wacky kosher certifications for phones, the Wall Street Journal reports that “as rabbis stamp kosher food with special markings, so-called “kosher” phones carry symbols that they have been ‘Approved by the Rabbinical Committee for Communications.’”

Well, you all know what’s coming next. We’ve gotta have ourselves a bargain with the calling plan, right?

On the recommendation of the committee, and to encourage calling within the community, phone companies charge higher calling rates when “kosher” phone users call phones outside the network. In MIRS’s case, a “kosher-to-kosher” phone call costs 10 cents a minute whereas calls made to other phones cost five to six cents more.

So keep your trayf phones if you want to, but if your trayf-phone-bearing daughter meets a kosher phone dude on Ben Yehuda Street, expect some major phone bills. And parental disapproval of the shidduch.

Just in case you’re interested, other religious people have other concerns. One Christian service provides “scriptures, Christian ring tones, and one-minute-long inspirational videos to subscribers who sign up on its Web site” and has services like “e-prayers” in the works. Additionally:

[cellphone company] Good News also is planning to launch a branded phone this summer in conjunction with six ministries across the country, which will provide subscribers sermons, news, movie reviews and other content. Good News originally thought of calling it the “godphone,” but thought better of it and named it the FaithMobile phone instead.

Wouldn’t it be cool if there were a Godphone? But the long-distance charges would probably be killer.

Muslims have different concerns:

Ilkone, which comes from the Arabic word for “universe,” also equips its phones with a Hijri, the Gregorian calendar, and alerts users to prayer times with an alarm that features an actual muezzin’s voice. It also has a complete version of the Quran, with an English translation. [...] In England, Muslims have been using MyAdhan.com as a digital muezzin. The service provides them with calls to prayer five times a day in the form of a text message sent from cellular towers instead of vocal announcements from minarets.

Say it with me: “Rabotai, higiah zman kriat Shema shel Shacharit…” [My friends, it's time to say the morning prayers...]

Step aside Angelina
So say the readers of FHM Magazine. Now, FHM is a magazine for idiot men, sort of like the male version of Cosmo, but you really can’t fault them for their good taste. In this singular instance.

Yes. Sheesh. Scarlett’s Mom is Jewish … haven’t we been over this already?

Scarlett’s reaction?

One of the best things for a woman to hear is that she is sexy,” the 21-year-old actress, star of “Match Point” and “Lost in Translation,” said in a statement. “I’d like to thank FHM’s readers for the huge compliment.

Very gracious. The magazine’s May issue goes on sale April 4. If you care.

Edited by Michael P. Kramer, Maggid is an annual publication showcasing the best new Jewish writing, in all genres, from around the world illustrating the range and variety of Jewish lives from North and South America, Europe, North Africa, and the Middle East.

The Journal will be celebrating its second issue under the theme ‘Jewish Lives: Memoirs and More’ with a literary reading and small soiree this Tuesday, March 28, at T’mol Shilshom in Jerusalem at 7pm. Hope to see some Jewliciousness there.

First, there was Matisyahu. And now, there’s this song by The Chevra that’s been runnin’ round me noggin’ since Rabbi Yonah sent me the original video clip from Google Video.

Worth a view, because it’s more proof that yeshiva boys can be hot, if they try. And if they can sing…And if you hose them down gratuitously. Some pretty fancy camerawork and a bunch of fun-lovin’ yeshiva boys…brings me back to those heady yeshiva high school days…they’re athletic, they smile directly at you, and they’ve got a rockin’ attitude without being unapproachable…

But now there’s this guy. Who’s recorded his own video for the song. In four-part, split screen harmony. And by the way, he’s NOT Jewish and has NO idea what the song means.

A light unto the nations, indeed.

Hello? Anglo-Jewish Hipsters? Malcolm McLaren is on the phone and he wants his graphics back!

Damn. I was just in London and I missed this? The Guardian last week reported on an event that demonstrates clearly that the Lower East Side no longer has a monopoly on Jewish Hipsterism.

The invitation to “the beginning of the Jewish countercultural revolution” reads as follows: “From the 1890s until the first world war a group of renegade Jews were active in the heart of the Yiddish east end.” They “defined themselves against the Jewish establishment, holding Yom Kippur balls, featuring pork, music and dancing … This radical tradition has remained dormant for almost 100 years, as Anglo-Jewry has become increasingly suburban, conservative and dull. Until now …”

This crazy radical event, called Punkpurim, took place in a real-life anarchist artists’ squat in London’s east end, where, in between musical sets of Klezmer music and bawdy Yiddish songs, as well as the reciting of Palestinian Poetry, the DJ played Chumbawumba and the Sex Pistols… sooo cutting edge! Nah, I’m kidding. They played D&B versions of Havah Nagilah. The room was adorned with the requisite irreverent stuff like posters featuring the Lubavitcher Rebbe smoking a spliff and Che Guevara as a Hassidic Jew.

The hard partying saviors of Anglo-Jewry. Who let the friggin hippies in?
images thiefed from this dude’s Flickr page.

This groundbreaking event, sponsored by Heeb (of course) and Jewdas represented a revolt against traditional Jewish organizations:

“We are trying to create a new, more radical form of Jewish identity,” says Joseph Finlay, of Jewdas. “The main obsessions of British Jews are defending the state of Israel and making Jewish babies. We aim to knock these idols down and reopen the debate on who owns Judaism, who has the right to speak for the Jewish community and who is a Jew – surely anyone committed to justice? “We’re also trying to bring in a new sense of fun,” he continues, “playing with tradition rather than sanctifying it. Once Judaism is sacred, it is already dead.”

So who owns Judaism? According to these guys it’s Jewish anti-Israel activists, shitfaced ravers, drug addled yobs and the moldy, old British Jewish left. It’s kinda funny too. This party was meant as a slap in the face to the Board of Deputies, the leading representative of Anglo Jewry. Yet in 1917 the one Jewish member of Lloyd George’s Cabinet was Sir Edwin Montagu and he virulently opposed the passage of the Balfour Declaration which promised British support for the creation of a Jewish homeland. In that respect he was not alone. Other opponents to the Balfour Declaration were … you guessed it, the Board of Deputies. This opposition only abated once the full horror of the Holocaust came to light.

So stupid British hipsters… what will it take for you to like me, given that I am a Zionist and I live in Israel? Whatever… one participant emailed me about the party and said the following:

I think this may well be the hidden face of Jewish hipsterism in the UK. I’ve never seen anything like it before. I thought I knew and understood what the Jews in this country were about and then suddenly hundreds – I mean literally hundreds – of unknown faces gathered together in an East London squat with virtually no sanitation, and not even any food. There was philosophy, film, political cabaret, hip hop. There was a bonfire, and drugs… and they’re working it now… of course, there were many real live jews there who wouldn’t dream of eating pork on yom kippur but no doubt feel illicit pleasure at the thought. it had the veneer of radicalism but nobody did anything radical

Heh. Maybe they should have invited colorful London Mayor and “low-level anti-semite” Ken Livingstone to recite some Palestinian Poetry whilst revellers danced the Horah around a burning flag of Israel. Now that would have been radical.

So what do we have finally? Some more of that pie-in-the-sky, substanceless crap that a certain type of Jew loves. Except now it has an English accent. Yawn-O-Ramma. Look, give me something I can get my teeth into. Challenge me with something more than derivative, boring graphics and activities and language that have shock-value, but nothing more.

Till then, piss the fuck off.

If you’re like me, all this talk of “we’re in Israel, we’re so great” that half of this site’s writers engage in is getting to be a little too much, and when it comes to the Israeli elections, you feel very out of the loop. You don’t know what’s going on, which parties are which, and what, if anything, any of them stand for.

So for those of you who felt left out, here are a few resources to make you feel like you’re more a part of this election process…

First, the ADL provides an elections primer here, which includes a rundown of the three major political parties and their candidates, in addition to a brief synopsis of how the Israeli Knesset elections work.

Love the gritty campaign ads? A synopsis of the parties’ campaign ads are available from Israel Insider…but for a visual punch, here’s a somewhat choppy video composite of campaign ads is available here, including one featuring Claymation. (They’re in Hebrew, in case that’s a concern, and can only be viewed in Explorer, since it’s NBC…) And there’s a link to a Meretz campaign ad over at BlogsofZion.

What’s the most popular election ringtone? Word to all of you who guessed Shas. The others, who are asking, “what’s an election ringtone?” will want to go here for an explanation, but basically, mobile phone operator Cellcom created ringtones from the political parties’ jingles.

And thanks to the internet, JerusalemOnline, Channel 2 News and the Jewish Agency, you can also watch the elections live on the web in English, Tuesday, March 28^th 2006, from 8PM –6AM (Israel time) 1PM-11PM (EST), with English speaking guests – ambassadors, journalists, politicians etc. They’ll also be providing polls with simultaneous translation and interactive conference with Jewish communities around the world.

What? You’re in Israel and want to vote for someone in America? Might I recommend Jewish Family & Life founder Yossi Abramowitz?

And now, a midget in a bikini your scrolling bonus that is completely unrelated to Israeli elections, this video parody of an Israeli interviewer interrogating an American film star in promotion of said star’s most recent film. Its name: Kaki Metumtam.

Enjoy…

Maybe Rabbi Yonah could be so kind as to post something informative as to whether or not curses on current political leaders is an abuse of power on behalf of Rabbis of Influence.

In any case, not to be outdone by the similar looking Rabbi Mordechai Eliyahu, Rabbi Ovadia Yosef came out swinging with a healthy mixture of religious cursing and political manouvering. The great Rabbi had the following to say:

Cursed be those for they did not come to the aid of God; Cursed be he who does not fulfill the word of this Torah to do them. I make a halaha [Jewish law] that one must vote and influence Shas.

Muffti isn’t sure what ‘influence Shas’ means, but the rest is pretty clear. No shaatnez, no pork, no seeing your sister naked, and no voting for any party other than Shas.

Or is it? Shas Chairman Eli Yishai was quick to downplay the Rabbi’s intent by providing some incoherent spin:

I never deny the things that the Rabbi says, but rather I explain his intent, because there are those who don’t understand his Biblical and Talmudic language…He does not in any sense curse those who do not vote Shas. The rabbi speaks the word of Living God.

Ah, so the real problem is that the Living God speaks in Biblical and Talmudic language which we can’t understand but Eli Yishai can? Muffti is confused beyond words. It is pretty important to get clear on these things, since Israeli law prohibits:

Lobbying to vote or not to vote via oath, curse, excommunication, promise to bless, or by giving amulets.

Buttons and stickers are ok, but amulets aren’t. How about +3 rings of fortune? The amulet ruling came about in 1996 when Shas outdid poll expectations following a round of amulet giving. In Muffti’s humble opinion, anyone who will be influenced to vote by the gift of an amulet maybe isn’t intellectually qualified to vote in the first place.

In any case, the Rabbi’s current comments are less disturbing than ones he allegedly made on Friday, where he (allegedly) proclaimed:

anyone who votes for Kadima will fall backwards into Hell.

Muffti supposes that anyone who votes Labour will fall forward into Hell. There has been some controversy as to whether or not Yosef actually used (the hebrew equivalent for the) word ‘hell’, but no retractions from the man who allegedly uttered it himself.

Or maybe there was one! Or maybe by ‘hell’ the Rabbi intended something else just as by ‘curse’ he meant, ummn, something else. In these times, who understands the biblical and talmudic words of the Living God well enough to tell?

Thanks to Jpost. Hat tip to Jewschool.

…voting for Kadima apparently applies.

National Religious Party’s spiritual leader Rabbi Mordechai Eliyahu has declared it so. Voting for any party which supported disengagement is, as decided by him, a sin.

He explained “A party that supported the pullout, even if it is religious,
must not be voted for. It’s not considered religious if it agreed to transferring parts of the land of Israel to the nations of the world.”

Emphasis mine.

Because, you see, being religious has nothing to do with looking out for the orphan, the widow and the stranger, or being scrupulously fair in business dealings. It has nothing to do with guarding our lips from slanderous speech or seeking an honest relationship with God. Nope, it is clear that the definition of “religious” is one who did not support disengagement.

Hmm, maybe we’re thinking just a little myopically.

Nonetheless, it brought to mind a line from Yossi Klien Halevi’s interview on Blogs of Zion where he talks about Jewish radicals:

Jewish radicalism of left and right is an understandable response to the maddening complexity of our dilemmas. It is also a simplistic response. One can only be a radical of the left or the right by maintaining selective hearing. You can only hear those arguments that confirm your world view and you need to filter out those arguments that conflict with that view. Left and right have been doing that for forty years, since the 1967 Six Day War. If they’d listened to each others arguments we might not have embarked on indiscriminate settlement and we might not have brought in tens of thousands of PLO terrorists.

The only way to maintain certainty in the face of such complicated issues is through audio filtering. For that reason both left and right are semi-deaf. The left still doesn’t get what went wrong with Oslo and the right still doesn’t get why we pulled out of Gaza. To have productive discourse about the future of Israel and the Jewish people, we need audio faculty in “stereo,” with both left and right speakers working.

Anyway, here’s to rocking the Israeli vote on Tuesday. In strereo.

The Muff, trying to provide the best in weak hate sites, brings you a bunch of despicable people devoted to the perversion of Christian ideals. Not surprisingly, they are called ‘the Christian Party’ though Muffti can find very little that is Christian about them at all. These shameful weaklings are guilty of many online crimes, both artistic and intellectual: their arguments are shameful, their critical abilities heavily suspect (they blithely correlate the murder rate rising with the year that Supreme court banished prayer is school!), their site design is bizarre (they have links on the left, but the rest of the site can only be accessed by antiquaited ‘back’ and ‘forward’ arrows) and Muffti’s dead great-grandmother could provide better graphics and design (witness their logo below!)

The most shameful thing about the CP site is their tendency to make their ‘arguments’ by tossing tons of irrelevant text at you. Someone must tell them at some point that 1000 bad arguments do not add up to a good argument. The example mentioned above is instructive: they actually cite a raw number for increase in traffic fatalities as an attempt to ‘prove’ that banning prayer in school is wrong. They cite the number of female judges rising from 0 to 23% as a bad thing that can be blamed on prayerless schools. The list goes on and it’s mindboggling. But this is just one page, representative as it may be. The Christian party site goes on to suggests that there is ’scientific’ evidence that women cannot do physics of math (0%). Remember how Muffti mentioned the correlation of murder rate and banning prayer in school? The same stat re-emerges, this time as a condemnation of feminism! After citing many irrelevant facts, they finally have the audacity to ask (in big, blue letters):

What is wrong with American men today that they don’t see the tragedies set in motion by giving women legal rights?

Amazing.

There’s more; Muffti will simply give his reader a taste and then move on. They have a poll on their site asking whether or not you support exiling blacks from america and proudly state that:

More than 6,000 have now taken the poll, 90% agree with exiling blacks!!

What a fucking surprise! If you are the kind of guy who like to read this site, you probably correlate well being a racist! Great discovery, Christian Party! In case you don’t find this plausible, they include comments from people who took the poll. Read ‘em and weep:

We must in order to fulfill His prophecy.
I believe We Anglo-Saxons are God’s true
chosen people and America should be ours.

We [South Africans] provided medicine to stop their dying like animals.What happened? You STUPID white Yanks believed the Jewish propaganda against our Apartheid system, which was designed to provide self-rule to them, in order to uphold Yahveh’s order system. Also, you sent Aryan-race CHURCHMEN to South Africa to usurp Yah’s laws and order.

I believe poverty is a big part of crime. If its the lifestyle you choose and you can get away with it with organizations that sponsor it(NAACP) then I guess some would say you have it made. Whites need to stop being so damn afraid to say the wrong thing and start standing up to it be PROUD TO BE WHITE. Lifes not going to get any easier till the muds swept off the streets

The really funny thing is that they go out of their way to justify the results as accurate:

A drill down tool enables us to gather quite a bit of information about each isp address. It also tells us that 10,000 people view this page each day, and that 95% of those who’ve taken the poll never visited the site before. Visitors to the site find the poll through any number of search engines, with Google being the one with the most number of hits. Following is an example of the the top 52 key words people searched for on Google, along with the number of times each word was searched, and its percentage of the total number of search words.

What they don’t tell you is that anyone who is likely to actually take a poll that has as a premise that Blacks should be exiled from America are more likely to answer ‘yes’ than anyone else. In fact, Muffti has a great idea: everyone who reads this post should go to http://christianparty.net/pollexilingblacks.htm and take the poll. Only 6000 have taken it so far: why don’t we reverse their numbers and then throw back all they have to say about the accuracy of internet polls right back in their faces.

One or two more quotes from the CP and then Muffti shall retire and enjoy the rest of his sabbath. (A particularly drunken game of strip hearts the night before has left him a bit tired.) Not surprisingly, The CP don’t really care for Jews, and they feel they are in good company, especially when it comes to the talmud:

Jesus Christ, Thomas Jefferson, George Washington, Benjamin Franklin, Adolf Hitler himself, Louis IX, Pope Julius III, Pope Clement VIII, other popes, the Frankists, Martin Luther, Alexander McClellan, Peter Styvesant, Martin Luther, the Queen of Hungary, Kaiser Wilhelm II, Mark Twain, George Bernard Shaw, Colonel Farrell, Charles Lindbergh, Louis Farrakhan, Henry Wallace, in complete agreement about ONE thing: The Talmud STINKS!

This is just too much for Muffti to handle: a bunch of racists list Louis Farrakhan as a credible source with which they stand in complete agreement?!? Oh well. Not surprisingly, they consider the holocaust a hoax:

Many White men have been imprisoned, tortured, persecuted, harassed, prosecuted, and murdered for simply speaking the truths you will read in the following statistical analysis of the FACTS which are right at the fingertips of 295 million Americans and a billion Whites worldwide. The REAL criminals, the ones who must now pay reparations to the WHITE men who simply spoke the truth, are the jews who used OUR own laws against our OWN people, simply to enrich themselves in a multi-billion holocaust industry of unfathomable proportions.

Read on and you will find much in the way of ‘facts’ about numbers before and after the war, etc.

What is their goal? A christian america devoid of blacks and jews (and probably gays, Muffti can only imagine) where women have no rights whatsoever. And that’s what earns them the hate site of the weak award.

(source)

We also wish ck’s nephew, Jordan (Nissim ben Rachel), a healthy and speedy recovery.

We wish all of you and your families a peaceful shabbat.

The parsha starts with “Vayakheil”. The plain, simple meaning of that word here, is that Moshe brought the entire Jewish People together. From the context, it seems abundantly clear that the reason Moshe assembled the people was to tell them about building the Mishkan, the Tabernacle. But then — seemingly out of nowhere — Moshe transmits HaShem’s command that we observe Shabbos. What is the connection between the “bringing together” and the seemingly irrelevant command about Shabbos? The Sfas Emes answers, telling us that “coming together” or “bringing together “is what Shabbos is all about … For on Shabbos, all of a person’s powers and desires can come together to cling tightly to their Source — ultimately, HaShem. Adapted From Nosson Chayim Leff, Sfas Emes Study List

Many people have told me the difficulty they have with the restrictions of Shabbos. For sure, its not easy to unplug from the matrix in a Shabbos sort of way. One solution is to focus our energy instead on the positive mitzvah of making Shabbos holy, sacred time. Through Torah study, prayer-meditation, lovemaking, and fine meals, we elevate Shabbos into the realm of holy.

And why do we need this holy time? What we do during the week is usually not on such an exalted level. We need the holiness of Shabbos to get us through the week in one spiritual piece. We need the holiness of Shabbos to keep our families and our relationships whole. We need the holiness of Shabbos to keep the Jewish people together. Good Shabbos and Shabbat Shalom.

How is it possible that both Duke and Gonzaga men’s basketball teams lost their games last night?

Now what do we do?

The Jewish peoples’ Exodus from Egypt is arguably the main event in the Torah narrative. Three millennia later we are called to remember it every day in our prayers, every week on Shabbat, recount the whole story in the upcoming holiday of Passover.

While we are not enjoined to remember coming into the land of Israel, or even the covenants we have with God, over and over we are commanded to remember that we were slaves in Egypt.

Slavery isn’t just some aspect of our identity, it is the cornerstone of our existence as a people. Since we remember what it is to live in slavery, to be the laborers of Pharaoh, our freedom and independence is all the more cherished. In Deuteronomy, most of the teachings of God are recounted in reference to the redemptive event, in a way stating that God’s own word is not enough to justify the commandments, but reasons must be given, the ultimate reason being the memory of slavery. As such, the teachings of the Seder can be simplified down to one point: slavery is not to be remembered as a past-phenomenon, something that “just happened.” The Bad Son does not deny that slavery existed–he simply places himself outside of the story.

Thus, in Exodus 12:11 we are instructed to eat the Passover meal “with your loins girded, your shoes on your feet, and your staff in your hand”–in complete identification with the slave, with the moment before freedom, with the possibility of redemption and the willingness to carry out that redemption ourselves.

But this teaching has been lost on many. Instead of girding our loins or preparing our staff, many Jews come together for lavish banquets and talk about freedom without recognizing that, for many, freedom does not exist. How can we truly say that we “remember what is like to be a slave in the House of Pharaoh” when there are currently slaves not only in the House of Pharaoh, but also in our own backyards in Israel (and America)?

If we are to aspire to being the Good Son (or daughter, for that matter), we should revive the custom of eating the Seder with our loins girded, our staff in our hand, and our minds focused on those who still reside in the house of bondage.

It may surprise some (as it did myself) to know that there are an estimated 30 million individuals living in slavery today – that’s more than all the people stolen from Africa during the whole period of the trans-Atlantic slave trade, and 5 times the entire population of Israel. The US State Department reports that within 10 years, human trafficking will exceed arms and drugs as the largest illegal enterprise in the world.

With that in mind, leading up to Pesach, I have decided to start a project I am in no way qualified for; I will have a series of posts that will seek to provide you, O valued readers of Jewlicious with an enhanced perspective on our own freedom, information about modern day slavery, and what might be done about it, because we can’t harden our hearts.

One thing that can be done about it is funding those organizations who are actively engaged in Jewlicious is starting a fundraising campaign for this purpose. The money will be split to help two different organizations, one that does work specifically in Israel, and one that helps the world at large.

The first is the Task Force on Human Trafficking, an organization aimed at helping end human trafficking in Israel. They deal with the government, the victims and raising public awareness.

The international organization will soon be decided based on ongoing talks with experts in the field helping us identify where funds will be most beneficial.

Funds will be collected through the end of Passover. The TFHT is a 501(c)3, and you are also free to make donations to them directly.

A few links for more information:

I Abolish. An American Anti-Slavery Group.

Free the Slaves information on modern day slavery.

The Protection Project of Johns Hopkins University working towards an international framework For The Elimination Of Trafficking In Persons, Especially Women and Children.

I also encourage you to sign the TFHT petition – For Rabbis and For the rest of us.

Special thanks to Aaron Cohen, Michele Clark and Ariel Beery.

This post is in memory of Aaron’s father, Arthur Cohen who died Tuesday at the age of 89.

There’s been a bit of controversy of late regarding Matisyahu’s decision to drop his JDub management team and instead go with former Capitol Records president Gary Gersh, the man said to have discovered Nirvana and who currently represents big name bands such as Beck, The Foo Fighters and The Beastie Boys.

The aggrieved parties, namely Aaron Bisman, 25 and Jacob Harris 26, run the non-profit Jewish record label JDub Records. True to their label’s mission, they were early supporters of Matisyahu’s music and had a management contract with him that was good for another three years. Matisyahu however, decided to break this contract and go elsewhere out of concern that Bisman and Harris did not have sufficient experience to guide his carreer given the unprecedented success of his albums Live at Stubbs (currently #36 on the Billboard Charts, certified Gold with over 500,000 CDs sold) and Youth (debuted at #4).

Former followers of Shabbatai do penance for their support of him.

So did I say there was a bit of controversy? To say the least! The reaction to Matisyahu’s decision to change management teams reminds me of the response by the followers of false messiah Sabbatai Zevi upon hearing that he had converted to Islam. He’s been accused of violating Halakhah, selling out his friends and behaving in a way that does not befit a man of principle. Others have defended his decision, saying he had no choice, that it would be career suicide to have inexperienced management at such a pivotal time.

What a dilemma! Was Matisyahu’s move a cynical and hypocritical act of betrayal against his friends and early supporters or was it merely an unpleasant but necessary business decision? Well, when faced with similar dilemmas I try to find wisdom in reliable sources. The Simpsons have been entertaining me for years – there is thus no reason why they could not offer guidance even in this complicated matter.

After some research I found the answer in episode 20, season 3 of the Simpsons. Titled Colonel Homer, this episode has an extra layer of yichus (distinguished lineage) in that it is the only one ever written by Matt Groening, creator of the Simpsons.

You can read a synopsis of the plot here, but briefly Homer meets Lurleen Lumpkin, a sweet voiced waitress at a local C&W Honky Tonk. She sings a song she just made up, and in short course Homer, moved by the song, gets it recorded and played on a local radio station. The song becomes an instant sensation and Homer becomes Lurleen’s manager. Lurleen is very thankful but Marge, Homer’s wife fears for her marriage. Homer then secures Lurleen a TV gig during which he is approached by another more experienced manager who wishes to purchase Lurleen’s contract. Homer refuses and then later in the dressing room, Lurleen makes her romantic desires towards Homer known. Homer remembers the sanctity of his marriage to Marge and tells Lurleen that his goal was to share her voice with other people, and he’s done it. He then leaves and sells the contract to the other manager for $50.

Clearly Homer realized that continuing his association with Lurleen would endanger his marriage. But throughout the episode, Homer was also inspired by a selfless desire to share Lurleen’s music with the rest of the world. Homer’s decision to sell the contract was thus also motivated by his desire to do the right thing for Lurleen and her career – Homer knew that being represented by “Rebel Yell Records, a division of the Tokasagi Corporation” would mean that Lurleen’s management would be undertaken by competent professionals. Consequently, I believe that Homer would enjoin Bisman and Harris to let their friend Matisyahu go and do the right thing for his music and for his career. Homer had no more musical aspirations but JDub’s association with Matisyahu will no doubt benefit JDub’s other acts.

So it’s all good. Homer would have approved of Matisyahu’s move and that’s good enough for me. As for everyone else, let’s enjoy a cool refreshing Duff beer and move on …