How well do you know Israeli news? Here’s a brief quiz:
According to an Israeli Kabbalah sage, the recent cases of avian flu in Israel were caused by:
a) Women seductresses trying to gain equal access to the Kotel plaza entrance by flashing naked bits of ankle and wrist
b) Left-leaning political parties aiming to legalize homosexuality by using ads depicting girl-on-girl action
c) The plummeting overseas sales of Kabbalah water
d) The discussion of whether or not to proclaim blonde lobsters kosher
e) Matisyahu’s decision to pursue more professional management
f) A Tel Aviv woman’s recent marriage to a dolphin
Tough choice, I know. In this case, we’re talking b.
“The Bible says that God punishes depravity first through plagues against animals and then in people,” Rabbi Basri said in a religious edict quoted by his son.
Rabbi Basri said he hoped the deaths of hundreds of thousands of turkeys and chickens would help atone for what he called the sins of left-wing Israeli political parties, the son, Rabbi Yitzhak Basri, said, a week before a national election.
The bird flu outbreak stemmed from far-left political parties “strengthening and encouraging homosexuality,” Rabbi Basri’s son quoted him as saying.
One of the parties aired an election commercial depicting two brides kissing. Some campaign advertisements also called for homosexual marriages to be legalised in Israel.
(From the volume of this objection, one can only assume that the girls in the election commercial were not hot.)
More Israeli News Quizzes (undoubtedly) to come. I only wish they were more challenging, since the party to blame always seems to be either women or homosexuals.
John
3/21/2006
I’m in the kitchen with all my GAY friends in Jerusalem (gasp) right now cooking up the next big plague along with a plan to conquer the world thru glitter.
Double, double toil and trouble;
Fire burn and cauldron bubble!
esther
3/21/2006
Just you wait till I get there, John…I’ll bring some other women seductresses and we’ll cook up a whole mess of trouble…
And just to clarify, when you say “glitter,” do you mean actual glitter or the ill-fated Mariah Carey endeavor?
adrian
3/21/2006
I know I’m just one of many, but I’m really getting addicted to your humor. Oh the wit!
John
3/21/2006
Actual glitter (Fairy Dust)
Purim Hero
3/21/2006
Has anyone actually heard of this Kabbalah sage? For a prominant Rabbi, I’ve never heard his name. Usually when I hear an article talk about Kabbalah authorities I start thinking about the Kabbalah Center, “Rabbi” Berg, and of course Madona. Now, if they were making claims I could just reject it as nonsense, since most popular kabbalah is just like that nonsense. Only thing is… I just can’t see Madona knocking girl on girl action, not after the whole Britney incident. So I’m left wondering who this guy is… maybe he’s not a crackpot?
themiddle
3/21/2006
Lesbianism is disallowed in Judaism?
Sarah N
3/21/2006
Middle, didn’t you hear? There is no such thing as lesbians (according to the torah. I guess that leaves them in the clear, along with unicorns (do they have split hooves?) and the Loch Ness Monster (is that a similar shochet issue as a giraffe?)
yaaziel
3/21/2006
b-but they WERE hot…
josh
3/21/2006
All of the above.
Purim Hero,
Rav Batzri is a leading Israeli kabbalist and leading contender to succeed Rav Yitzhak Kaduri as the next ‘old kabblist’.
VJ
3/22/2006
OK I’ve never properly understood this, if Rav Batzri is the next ‘big’, why does he only seem to speak through his son on these horribly important issues of plagues & hot women. And oh, BTW, all those chickens, turkeys & ducks have not died yet. But the government might put them to death. Is there an edict he can offer here too? Just wondering. Cheers, ‘VJ’ [And no that's not my email addy].
Grace
3/23/2006
Bird flu. The world’s biggest kaparot!