I’ll admit it; I’m part of the Muppet Generation–not quite old enough to remember when Jim Henson premiered his Muppet creations on Saturday Night Live (Scred, anyone?), but old enough to have learned to read, in part, from watching Sesame Street. I’ve watched as unblinking puppets taught lessons of friendship and cooperation. I’ve seen Statler and Waldorf argue in the balcony like two old men in the back of shul, and delighted in the unlikely love story between a frog and karate-chopping pig.

And then there was Avenue Q, which took the puppet cliches I loved and turned the educational model on its head, using puppet antics to explain what a one-night stand is, and what the internet is truly for. Somewhere around the same time, there was TeamAmerica: World Police, which gave those deliciously twisted gents at South Park a chance to rip the world a new one through the string-pulling of marionettes. And more obscurely, one of my favorite episodes of Angel also used puppets as a conduit for evil and humor at the same time.

But now, faith’s getting involved. Beliefnet has added “puppet comedy troupe” The Jovialites to the myriad site offerings. The multi-faith troupe, which includes a rabbi, a priest, an imam, a church lady, a pastor and [finish the joke yourself here, or click here to see a "cast of characters" page that shows you just how many religious representatives there are], provides a video joke of the day; some of the jokes are funny, others evoke a slight groan, but the carefully shot puppet reaction footage acknowledges that none of these jokes are winning any comedy competitions anytime soon. (Each joke is preceded by an advertisement for the Library of Congress; the two ads I saw were actually, themselves, fairly funny…)
I viewed four jokes, three of which were delivered by the rabbi. So I’m assuming that with puppets, as with people, Jews are the keepers of comedy. In this case, not such hilarious comedy, but still.

Think you can do it better? Provide better jokes and/or input as to what the Jovialites’ individual names should be on this page.

That was my attention-grabbing headline.

On the right is an eye catching photo to add additional interest and variety to the post. By the way, that swimsuit is available for sale at Newport News for a very reasonable $29-$32. I get no reward for driving traffic their way and just hope they don’t get upset at my borrowing their image.

Here’s the original prose: Human Rights Watch and Amnesty Int’l have both criticized Israel’s conduct in this war using the terms “war crimes.” Unfortunately, both of these organizations with long-standing and overt bias against Israel (how did they vote at Durban? That’s right, inexcusably) have taken their campaign against Israel to its logical conclusion which is that no matter how Israel fights a war, it is doing so inappropriately and in violation of war crimes laws. In fact, according to these two groups, there really is no way for Israel to fight against its enemies. Period.

Here’s a link to an article where Alan Dershowitz speaks to this issue at some length: sexy article.

Here’s the enticing quote to encourage you, dear reader, to visit the article, even if I and Jewlicious get no reward of any kind from the J Post for driving traffic their way:

The two principal “human rights” organizations are in a race to the bottom to see which group can demonize Israel with the most absurd legal arguments and most blatant factual mis-statements. Until last week, Human Rights Watch enjoyed a prodigious lead, having “found” – contrary to what every newspaper in the world had reported and what everyone saw with their own eyes on television – “no cases in which Hizbullah deliberately used civilians as shields to protect them from retaliatory IDF attack.”

Those of us familiar with Amnesty International’s nefarious anti-Israel agenda and notoriously “suggestible” investigative methodology wondered how it could possibly match such a breathtaking lie.

And here’s the pithy conclusion by The Middle: Folks, just because it seems these days that some of us are attacking numerous news outlets, politicians, diplomats, diplomatic institutions, and NGOs for their bias towards Israel does not mean that we are wrong and they are right. Despite some mistakes and even some actions that are reprehensible, Israel fought this war for the most part with positive moral and ethical judgement, especially considering the enemy’s strategic use of civilian areas.

Pithier tag line: Just because you’re paranoid, that doesn’t mean they’re not out to get you.

Thank you for reading,
The Middle

Every year, the United Jewish Communities (UJC) holds a conference for representatives of Jewish Federations across the country; it’s in a different city each year. This year it’s in Los Angeles from November 12-15, 2006. (If a generous donor or corporate sponsor agrees to sponsor my airfare, hotel, and car rental, I’d be happy to cover it for someone…)

I was poking around the GA page on the UJC site, and clicked on the link to the Westin Bonaventure, the official hotel for UJC conferenceers, and saw among the site sections (”Accommodations,” “Specials & Packages,” etc) a click tab for “Weddings/Mitzvahs.” (I understood–there wasn’t enough room on the line for “Bar/Bat Mitzvahs” and they didn’t want to leave the “Bat” out…)

Clicking on the tab brings you to a page about the kinds of wedding packages they have available, but no sign of the aforepromised “mitzvahs.” I therefore concluded that clicking on the tab itself was the mitzvah, like the hunger site or the breast cancer site.

And this has been my internal chuckle of the day. And if y’all wanna go and click on those hunger or breast cancer sites (there’s also one for children’s health, books for kids, saving the rainforest, animal rescue and maybe a few others), maybe that will provide the mitzvahs, even if the Westin’s site didn’t.

If I was one of those people who allowed introspection to disturb my preferred state of placidity, which I’m not, because I have better things to do, like eating cereal three meals a day, I would probably say that this will probably turn out to be one of the most formative years of my life.

I just used the word formative in reference to my own life. I feel old all of a sudden.

Anyway, what I’m trying to say is that a lot has happened to me in the past year, a year that has taken me, somewhat unintentionally, from the blighted wastelands of the Midwest to the sunny, occasionally incendiary Middle East by way of a massively destructive hurricane. A year ago, I was watching New Orleans disintegrate under the onslaught of Katrina, on the very day I was supposed to return to my life there. Not long after that, I was in Israel, sick, gimpy, sans luggage and miserable in the only way I know how to be, which is to say to everyone else’s great amusement. The breathless delight of my friends at my many misfortunes I’ll revisit later.

Through either serendipity or inertia (history will decide), a semester at the Hebrew University before a triumphant return to the ruins of New Orleans ever so slowly transformed into full-on immigration to Israel. Some will say it was the hummus what did it. Others will say full-on immigration was my plan all along. I don’t really remember at this point. It’s been a very long, yet very short year – when I consider all that’s happened to me, it seems like it’s too much to squeeze within the bookends of a year, but in another sense, time seems to be racing ever faster towards an inevitable destination, no longer beyond the horizon but increasingly in plain sight.

I’m sorry, I’ll stop abusing metaphor and get the point: I’m getting drafted in a couple of months.

This is something of a surprising development when considered objectively. I’m a lover, not a fighter. Well, I’m not really a lover. I’m neither mod nor rocker, I’m a mocker. And yet, here I am, on the brink of signing away a good chunk of my life to the military of the country I’ve rather recently adopted.

I could make an attempt to explain my motivations and feelings toward service in the IDF, but honestly, I’ve never been very good at sincerity (it always strikes me as insincere), and I’m sure you’ve heard it all before, so take five seconds and look at that charming “Hagen Al Moledetkha” poster in Laya’s recent post and I’m sure we’ll all be on the same page. And being one of those old-fashioned “Whoo-hoo, let’s make the desert bloom!” Zionists, Blue Train to Post-Zionism’s Ascensions, let’s say, I’m taking “Kravi zeh hakhi, achi,” to heart and shooting for combat infantry, or as my ever-encouraging mother calls it, “cannon fodder”.

I admit to a moderate amount of nervousness, which tends to be exacerbated rather than alleviated by everyone around me. My mother, beset by conflicting impulses to guilt me into changing my mind about the army in general, convince me to shoot for a non-combat role, or accept what I’ve decided, has become somewhat incoherent. (And before I get the indignant phonecall, she still is my favorite mother). My American friends are at best puzzled, given that my interests in high school were chiefly playing the drums and completing my collection of Prince albums on vinyl (this is not to say that these are no longer my interests, mind you). My Israeli army veteran friends mostly like to tell me somewhat alarming anecdotes that are apparently, in retrospect, the Most Fun Things Ever, such as, “The best part is when, during your tironut, for gas mask training, they make you go into a tent filled with tear gas, and then they make you take off your gas mask and make you work out until you’re crying and snot is pouring out of your nose and every cell in your body is crying out for the sweet release of death! It’s fuckin’ awesome!” Not that I’ll name names or anything.

But by far the most generally discouraging of my friends and supporters are my very own Jewlicious co-bloggers. ck and laya, with minimal input, will gladly launch on a half-hour spiel about how my death in combat would be the best possible thing that could ever happen to Jewlicious: “Just think of the traffic! The publicity! It would be blogging gold! We could make a post about your funeral and write you an awesome eulogy! The first blogger killed in action! Ooh, even better! You could marry (female friend of mine) first, and then you could leave behind a grieving widow! Or, EVEN BETTER, you could knock her up first! That’s even more tragic! And then we could establish charities in your name! The Michael Foundation – bringing together Israeli and Palestinian children and teaching them to play the drums. It’s gold!”

I love my friends so much.

And now, as November draws nearer and nearer, I’m hoping that the Blues La-Chofesh Ha-Gadol doesn’t set in. Although I guess I have plenty to occupy me – meetings, medical examinations, Hebrew tests, sure-to-be stressful dealings with the Misrad ha-Panim and all kinds of fun at the Lishkat ha-Giyus. And then a nice long period of being state property and firing M-16s. It’s going to be so formative I could just scream.

Join Nahal regiment 931 as they attack a Hizballah stronghold in south Lebanon. A fierce battle erupts, Hizballah terrorists wearing full IDF uniforms are encountered and people are hurt. Itai Anghel from respected Israeli investigative news show Uvda films the whole thing using a night vision camera. Lisa from On The Face hooks us up with this video (english subtitles) and notes:

A few things to know before you watch: With the exception of the officers – Avi Dahan and Biche – all the soldiers are reservists in their 20’s and 30’s who did their three-year mandatory army service (ages 18-21) in the unit; in other words, they are civilians who responded to emergency call up notices.

She also notes that Eli Lake wrote an article about the report for the New York Sun. This is a powerful and thought provoking piece of journalism. BIG Hat tip to Lisa!

Doh! Due to unforseen copyright issues, we cannot link directly to the video. Please visit Lisa’s blog post to see the embedded video.

If the clip above does not play right click here, select “copy link location” and paste the address into Windows Media Player or whatever media player you use.

[ED by TM: cutting and pasting the following into your browser url address bar should also launch your video player automatically: http://switch248-01.castup.net/cunet/gm.asp?ClipMediaID=209947&ak=63628786]

Gever or Friar? (a mentch or a fool?)

A lot of pundits are spending their time lately evaluating “what went wrong” with the recent war in Lebanon.

An excellent article by Ari Shavit in Ha’artz identified the problem as a philosophical one. Asking “what the hell happened to us,” he blames the elite of Israel for being “drugged by political correctness” and “poisoned by an illusion of normalcy”.

A second article in the Jerusalem Post Summed up Shavit’s first point accurately saying:

Shavit maintains that the main lesson to be absorbed from the Lebanon imbroglio is that the shocking performance of our national leadership was a logical consequence of the erosion of the national spirit among Israeli elite circles.

He writes that “we were drugged by political correctness,” by a discourse dominated by the baseless assumption that “occupation” is the source of all evil… According to Shavit, that resulted in the demonization of core values like heroism and fortitude. Military power became identified with fascism, and the army, the most hallowed icon of the state, was transformed into a dirty word.

Those who warned that we were becoming weaker and our enemies stronger were mocked, as were those who dared question unilateral withdrawals… Shavit notes that “The unending attacks, both direct and indirect, on nationalism, on militarism and on the Zionist narrative have eaten away, from the inside, at the tree trunk of Israel’s existence and sucked away its life force.”

It struck a nerve with me, as so much of my disillusionment is rooted in fact that the values of Israel which so passionately seduced me, community, nationalism, peoplehood, love of the land, etc. are rapidly disappearing from the top down in favor of the western ethics of consumerism and individualism.

I came to be a pioneer only to realize I had arrived 80 years too late.

Nonetheless, The Jpost’s commentary on Shavit’s position emphasizes a point that Shavit did not; that Nationalism and Zionism for their own sake will rarely serve as “ideological motivation for a youngster to be willing to risk his life in order to defend the state.”

What Shavit was missing was a uniquely Jewish angle, where Jewish does not necessarily equal religious.

Shavit’s second point, that we have been “poisoned by the illusion of normalcy”, is as interesting a critique of society as the first;

The State of Israel is fundamentally an abnormal state. Just because it is a Jewish state in an Arab region, and just because it is a Western country in a Muslim region, and just because it is a democratic state in a region of fanaticism and despotism, Israel is in constant tension with its surroundings. On the one hand, because of the situation in which it finds itself, Israel cannot live a life of European normalcy. On the other hand, because of its values and its structure in terms of identity, economics and culture, Israel cannot avoid being a part of European normalcy… Therefore Israel is in a constant state of basic contradiction.

And, my favorite line of the piece “Life in defiance of the environment is an essential part of Israeli existence,” a “cruel insight” he says that has been dissipated in the last generation with the dillusion that we have overcome our problems and can live like any other nation.

Yet, despite all that, he maintains that the while the public at large have not turned their backs on the “existential imperative” of Israel and have impressively withstood multiple tests of terror, the elite of the last 20 years, meaning the capital, the media and the academic world “have become totally divorced from reality” and have “blinded Israel and deprived it of its spirit.”

Instead of being constructive elites, in the past generation the Israeli elites have become dismantling elites. Each in its own area, each by its own method, dealt with the deconstruction of the Zionism enterprise. Step by step, the top 1000th percentiles abandoned the existential national effort. They stopped doing reserve duty, they stopped sending their sons to the fighting units. They mocked those officers who warned about unilateral withdrawals. They mocked those officers who warned that the emergency warehouses were emptying out and the enemies were becoming stronger. And they deceived themselves and those around them that Tel Aviv is in fact Manhattan. Money is in fact everything. And thus they bequeathed to young Israelis a legacy of values that makes it very difficult for them to attack even when the attack is fully justified.

And this, Jacob Shwirtz, is why I don’t hang out much in Tel Aviv.

The shvitzing of naches just doesn’t stop here at the house that Jewlicious built! We’d all like to extend a hearty Mazal Tov to Long Beach Hillel Director Rachel Bookstein, Hillel Chaplain and Jewlicious poster Rabbi Yona Bookstein, and the whole Bookkstein clan on the birth of the latest Bookstein baby boy. BBB was born on the 5th of Elul 5766 (Aug. 29 2006) at 12:44 pm PST. He weighed in at 8lbs 6oz and stands 21 inches tall.

While Jews don’t name their boys until the bris which takes place 8 days after they are born, nothing prevents baby boy Bookstein from writing his first post on the inevitable baby Bookstein blog. Maybe baby boy Bookstein’s first blog post will be about his upcoming Long Beach bris and yes, it will inevitably be titled “Bouncing Baby Boy Bookstein Blogs his Beach Bris.”

Thank you! I’ll be here all week.

With apologies to Michael who hates when I post comments, I thought Becca’s comment in Phoebe’s post is simply terrific and deserves to be seen by more people:

So much complicated stuff, so little time.

Standing on one foot, then:

1) Neither libertarianism nor Conservative Judaism necessarily regards itself as a compromise or hybrid “middle way,” though that’s sometimes where others place it on the spectrum.

Committed libertarians & Conservative Jews (I’ve been the former & have sympathies; I am still the latter) see them as coherent wholes that are internally consistent. (i.e., Libertarianism = not a hodge-podge of social liberalism + fiscal conservatism, but a commitment to greater individual freedom and less government intervention in both social and economic realms.)

(more…)

For some reason the Jerusalem Post is reporting the recent CAIR-Mearsheimer-Walt Hate-The-Jews Hate-The-”Jewish-Lobby” Fest as if these folks know about what they’re speaking. (You can find some of my previous articles on these two and their issues by going here).

From the Jerusalem Post:

In their public appearance in Washington Monday, a rare event in itself, the two found a supportive crowd and were even awarded by one of the activists with a pin carrying the slogan: “Fighting the Israel lobby.”

Walt, of the Kennedy School at Harvard University, stressed that he is not blaming all Jews in high positions in the US of being “some kind of secret cabal” and said he does not claim the activities of Jewish Americans in favor of Israel are disloyal or inappropriate.

Yet when talking about the people who influenced the administration to launch the Iraq war, the two scholars mentioned Paul Wolfowitz, Doug Feith, Elliott Abrams and David Wurmser, all Jewish officials in the administration. Later they added John Bolton, who is not Jewish, to the list.

Mearsheimer claimed Israel had planned the Lebanon war in advance and that it used the Hizbullah attack as a pretext to launch its war plan. He went on to say that Israel informed the US of its plans months before the war broke out.

“It now seems clear that Israel has been planning to strike at Hizbullah for months before the July 12 kidnappings and that key Israelis had briefed the administration about their intentions,” Mearsheimer said, “The available evidence indicates that the Bush administration enthusiastically endorsed Israel’s plans for war in Lebanon.”

But wait! Here is the Washington Post on the same story:

(more…)

Bradley Burston for Haaretz.

Maybe that’s our answer. If assassinating or abducting the Hezbollah leader is still on the agenda, as Israeli officials maintain, why not put Nasrallah to useful purpose?

Look at the issues. Consider his record. Here is a man who is both strong and wise on security issues. He saw to it that his troops were well-prepared, well-trained, well-supplied, and and well-protected.

Nasrallah would be a new sort of Israeli leader. One who gets things done.

Here is a man who addresses social welfare needs head-on. He doesn’t wait to help home-owners rebuild residences destroyed by aerial attacks. He hands out literal lump-sums, immediately, in cash.

Here is a man who delivers medical care to the needy, affordable housing to the homeless, food and even clothing to society’s disadvantaged.

Here is a man who cares deeply about, and puts major emphasis on, education and youth [even if the message is one of incitement, hatred, and anti-Semitism].

(more…)

Israel’s newest yeshiva has it all: Hassidism. Kabbalah. Gemara. Halacha. Combining military service and Torah studies. And every two weeks, on-site Shabbat observance. Huh?

If this sounds ideal to you, then consider enrolling in Tel Aviv’s newest yeshiva, along with 150 other non-religious students who have chosen to immerse themselves in a program of religious study that (at least to my Diaspora eye) closely mimics (or perhaps is “divinely inspired by”) the hesder approach to military approach, but with a secular bent.

An initiative of the BINA Center for Jewish Identity and Hebrew Culture, the secular yeshiva program features one year of study, followed by draft into the IDF “for full military service… interrupted by a one-year yeshiva study break,” according to a Ynet article. The program also contains two days a week of “social activity” in south Tel Aviv. (I assume this means social action activities, rather than sushi with friends or martinis on the tayelet with hotties in handkerchief tops.)

They’re hoping to create a “Tel-Avivi” approach to Jewish study, “like rabbinic study produced the Talmud ‘Bavli and the ‘Yerushalmi’.” But a central goal of this initiative is tikkun olam, and, according to their press release, they also “expect the Secular Yeshiva to will serve as a basis for creating indigenously non- (or Trans) denominational approaches to Jewishness that will be meaningful for Israelis. In addition to creating new forms of community in Israeli society, graduates will connect to existing pluralistic organizations; some may also find their way to the Reform and Conservative movements in Israel.”

They’re seeking funding. But they’ve got an exit strategy: recognition equal to that afforded to Ultra- and Modern Orthodox yeshivot. Wish them luck.

And in related news, I’m declaring myself a 501 C-3 nonprofit organization and also auditioning for American Idol. Wish me luck.

Before going to college, libertarianism always struck me as an appealing ideology, if I were the sort to follow political ideologies. All that freedom! That classically liberal combo of fiscal conservatism (to shock my hippie friends) and social liberalism (no one who grew up in NYC can be a real conservative), who wouldn’t like it? But then I went to a meeting of the University of Chicago’s libertarian club, and I realized the problem with the whole thing. A guy at the meeting announced that he was a pro-life libertarian (and if you went to the University of Chicago, you probably know who I mean, since with a stance like that, he was sort of famous.) Well, good for him right?

I wasn’t so sure. I’d thought that libertarianism meant that nothing could be outlawed unless it involved harming other people. While some see abortion as harming other people, others do not, so it’s fair to say there’s no consensus on the matter, even among moral, right-thinking, intelligent people. This alone makes abortion different from, say, murder. So even if you personally believe abortion’s bad news, if you are a libertarian, shouldn’t you just let people figure this out for themselves? Perhaps I’m way off– the pro-life really believe abortion is murder, that the pro-choice are in fact pro-genocidal, etc., etc.– but my overall sense of libertarianism was that “harm” could be defined any number of ways, and to say that a system ought to only outlaw the things it has to outlaw is not saying much at all, as any libertarian might place “harm” at a different place.

Similarly, despite not being religious, I’ve thought, for as long as I’ve thought about these things, that if I had to pick, it would be Conservative Judaism. Why? Because it’s a bit of both. Unlike Reform Judaism, there isn’t the Sunday school for kids, mandatory left politics, and, in the background, the history of German Jews doing their darndest to convince their countrymen that their synagogue was really not so unlike a church. And then, unlike Orthodox Judaism, Conservative Judaism would include far less of the sexist and otherwise socially conservative aspects of tradition. A middle road, who could complain? As Samantha M. Shapiro describes the movement in Slate, “Conservative Judaism, which began as a congregational movement in 1913, attempts to bridge the gap—to affirm the divinity of ancient Jewish law but also to allow changes to accommodate modern circumstances. ‘Tradition and change’ is a movement motto. ”
(more…)

To those who haven’t heard, Olmert is trying to game the situation by bringing in investigative committees that will have little power to research what went wrong in this war and essentially be unable to come to any serious conclusions regarding malfunctions on the government’s side although, presumably, the IDF will come up with many. There’s an interesting analysis of this by Alex Fishman on Ynet. Olmert is doing all of this, of course, to avoid a state inquiry which will have the authority of law to have witnesses testify, be led by a former supreme court justice and can and will make actual recommendations as to the careers of the key protagonists here.

Fortunately, it seems that Israel’s comptroller, Micha Lindenstrauss, is having none of it. He announced to the media today that his department will not be the third investigative committee which Olmert assigned to investigating problems with the home front. Rather, his department will investigate whatever it deems pertinent to the functioning of the state. His department, he told the media, is not beholden to the PM or the Cabinet, answers only to the Knesset (Israel’s parliament) and has, in fact, already began to collect testimonies and evidence relating to the conduct of the government in this war. Yay!

While this is not as good as having a state inquiry in place, in large part because the comptroller cannot recommend that people resign and have the same authority as a senior high court justice, it will definitely have an impact on what we know and on lessons that need to be learned about the mistakes (and successes) of this war. Despite positive stories that are beginning to filter out to the media, not the least of which is Nasrallah’s understated speech on Al Manar two days ago (in which he stated that he was not only surprised by the magnitude of Israel’s response but had he known what was coming, he would not have attacked Israel), we only need to look at Olmert’s machinations with respect to these committees of inquiry to understand that things went very wrong and he is trying to save his behind.

One of the problems for the population that would like to see a robust investigation, it should be mentioned, is the fear many have – including many Kadima and Labor voters in particular – of what would happen if Kadima and Labor end up losing their leaders to resignation. I have to believe that there is a natural disinclination to drive the government further to the Right than the Center Right represented by Kadima. Certainly this is true of the Laborites. The problem is not Netanyahu, it’s that the Likud has become far less mainstream and dominated by voices from the far Right including many hardliners from the settlements. As such, Kadima is a far better accepted option for most Israelis who don’t vote for one-purpose parties.

Still to be played out…

Our own grandmuffti was just yesterday awarded a PhD in Philosophy from Rutgers University. Next week he will begin teaching at a West Coast University. Mazal Tov to the muff for this, the culmination of years of hard work and hard partying! We’re all uh… shvitzing naches!

Embassy Math: Costa Rica and El Salvador are the last two embassies in Jerusalem. Costa Rica leaves. Ten days later, El Salvador leaves. Both re-establish their embassies in Tel Aviv. This leaves Jerusalem with how many embassies? That’s right, ZERO.

Plus, a late-breaking report/premise for a Fringe Festival musical comedy indicates that a bad breakup might be the cause for the Mideast Conflict.

Sometimes diplomacy sure is complicated.

The Forest Foundation wants you to throw a party this year to celebrate Rosh Hashanah (Jewish new Year). They have buttloads of cash available for serious people ready to put on a really serious party. The Foundation is already working with communities in Ghana, the Abudaya, Hong Kong, Russia, Israel, and South America according to spokesperson Aaron Small. “It’s a project designed to recharge Jewish communities around the world.”

Sounds great, right? I mean in my neck of the woods Rosh Hashanah means going to the synagogue, introspection and lots and lots of food. What better way to segue into all that than to bump booties and dance at a kick ass party? Here’s the official Forest Foundation info:

Rosh Hashanah is just around the corner, and the foundation is working on its second annual project, Apples ‘n Honey. With the idea that every Jewish community should have the opportunity to come together in celebration of their Jewish identity and New Year, the Forest Foundation offers monetary grants to areas of the world where this would otherwise be impossible. Last year we sponsored parties all over Russia, South America, and California, drawing anywhere between 500 to 1400 people!!!

This year the Forest Foundation is looking again to work with and support any community in the world that strives to have their own Apples ‘n Honey celebration. We’re in the business of creating enjoyable settings where members of the community can join as one, comfortably making connections with other Jews in their neighborhood, with continued support on community projects throughout the year.

If your community would like to have a Forest Foundation sponsored Apples ‘n Honey celebration please contact levi@theforestfoundation.net to fill out the Apples ‘n Honey Application or if you have any questions. We look forward to working with you in celebrating our Jewish Identity and New Year as one.

These cats are serious. Call them today! Throw an awesome party tomorrow. Oh… send us pics too!

Just before this war began, a leader of the Al Aqsa Brigades in the West Bank/Judea and Samaria remarked publicly that they would seek to develop a rocket capability that would be used from this territory against Israeli cities. I pointed out that this was a significant red line and then proposed that what Alan Dershowitz had proposed once would be a tactic worth pursuing. Namely, he suggested that Israel provide ongoing warnings that if it is attacked, it would move into the area and methodically destroy the village from which the attack came.

It occurs to me that this strategy should be applied with Lebanon. One of the key problems the IDF encountered in this war was the presence of Lebanese civilians in its attacks. They pose an ethical dilemma on the one hand and a tactical, perhaps even strategic fighting dilemma on the other. If you attack, you risk killing innocents which is immoral, but if you don’t attack the enemy tries to kill your civilians which is immoral for them but also doubly immoral for Israel since they could have prevented those deaths by fighting differently.

If the current government of Israel states publicly, in a consistent pattern and ensuring the message arrives in South Lebanon, that it will methodically destroy the villages of S. Lebanon from which attacks emanate or from which Hizbullah members originate, I believe the likelihood of any civilians staying behind will diminish greatly. This would open the door for proper and open fighting between the two armies.

This will also eliminate the moral equation for Israel since they will have provided ample warning of their intentions and the resulting war will be upon the heads of its initiators, Hizbullah, rather than on Israel. The blame of any destruction will also fall on Hizbullah. It has in this war as well, but at an early point, opinion in Lebanon and the world turned against Israel because it did cause severe destruction in some areas. In the scenario where they are warned consistently, it will be very difficult for them to claim they didn’t anticipate the vigorous Israeli response – which is what Hizbullah leaders are saying now.

As a result of this war, many people equivocate that Israel was not careful enough, should have avoided any attacks on civilian targets even if they had a connection to military operations, and foisted unnecessary destruction on Lebanon. If the Israelis proceed with a policy of openly and consistently warning of the consequences of future attacks, objections to its fighting method will decrease. I also believe civilian casualties will decrease considerably because there will be no doubt on anybody’s part as to what is about to happen and most civilians will leave these areas. There would be little dispute as to what is about to happen and why, and this will free Israel’s hands to fight as they need to fight.

I know, I know, it’s not the Middle, but I see few other solutions to the issue of how to fight an enemy that uses civilians as another weapon in its arsenal.

Oyhoo Music Award Nominee, Rav Shmuel for Best Singer Songwriter 2006

If you want to do something positive today (among the many other positive things that you may do, like have a nice brunch or dinner or begin your Rosh Hashanah preparations), Rav Shmuel needs your vote! Author of the hilarious anthem Protocols of the Elders of Zion and many other politically incorrect songs (remember Its a beautiful Country?). Also a social critic and spiritual activist, Rav Shmuel also has some of the funniest/serious satirical songs you’ll ever hear. He rocked the house at the Jewbilation Concert Finale, at last years Jewlicious @ The Beach gathering.

So its really important to visit Oyhoo.com and follow the link for voting at the bottom of the page Let’s Make sure that Rav Shmuel beats Bob Dylan and Leonard Cohen for this year’s award. They are more like the patriarches of Jewish music, and hardly need more accolades.

Bowing to protests from India’s tiny Jewish community, diplomats from Israel and Germany, and outraged people of good taste around the world, the owner’s Mumbai’s Hitler’s Cross Restaurant have agreed to rename their restaurant.

“We acknowledge that the name adopted by us for our restaurant was most inappropriate,” Satish Sabhlok, one of the owners of the multi-cuisine restaurant, said in a statement… Our intention was not to glorify Hitler or his atrocities or ideology in any way and we regret the anguish caused by the use of this name.”

While the owners have yet to decide on a new name for their eatery, allow us to suggest that they not use the following:

Stalin’s Star
Pol Pot’s House of Cambodian Eats
Idi Amin’s Fine African Cuisine
Son of Sam’s Steaks
Milosevic’s Place
Janjaweed Treats

Just sayin…

The news from Gaza regarding the fates of kidnapped Fox correspondent Steve Centanni and cameraman Olaf Wiig is good. The kidnappers, belonging to the shadowy and previously unknown Holy Jihad Brigades, gave the US until last night to meet their demands – namely, the release of all Muslim prisoners. The deadline passed but the news is still good. PA Interior Ministry spokesman Khaled Abu Hilal assured reporters that the two hostages were safe and healthy and they were expected to be released shortly.

Why? Well it seems the kidnappers have claimed that the two hostages have converted to Islam! I guess you can’t exactly demand the release of all Muslim prisoners in the US and then kill two newly minted Muslim captives that you are holding.

The kidnappers, meanwhile, released new video of Wiig and Centanni. In a written statement attached to the video, the kidnappers claimed the two men had converted to Islam… In one segment of the footage, Wiig is seen sitting cross-legged on the floor, dressed in a beige robe and reading from crumpled notes. “It is Apache helicopters firing hellfire missiles made in America that kill the residents in Gaza,” he said in a halting voice, his face expressionless.

When they are finally released, we’ll be sure to point them to the nearest mosque so that they may offer prayers of thanksgiving to Allah and his prophet Muhamed PBUH. Yeah. Right away. I’m sure that’s the first thing they’re going to want to do.

Conversion to Islam is actually pretty easy. All one has to do is make a single honest recitation of the shahādah in Arabic, in front of two Muslim witnesses and poof! According to most Muslims, you are now one of them. Now in case you get kidnapped by Islamic fundamentalists and in doing so suddenly see the truth and virtue of Islam, here’s what you ought to do to make sure your new buddies don’t pull a Daniel Pearl on your head. Here’s the shahādah in Arabic:

لآ اِلَـهَ اِلاَّ لله محمد رسول ال

And here it is transliterated for those of you who don’t read Arabic:

lā ilāhā illā-llāhu; muḥammadun rasūlu-llāhi

What does it mean? Simply that “There is no God but Allah and Muhammad is the messenger of Allah.”

Pretty easy eh? That’s even easier than the conversion process of the most liberal Jewish denominations! And if you’re kidnapped by certain radical Muslims, according to Ayat al-Sayf (the verse of the sword) you can be coerced into a valid conversion! So it’s all good – even if you’re all weepy from fear and there’s a machete hovering above your head, just say that magic phrase and you will be safe!

Seriously, if you’re a reporter working in Gaza or Iraq, do yourself a favor and tattoo that shahādah stuff on your arm. It just might save your life.

UPDATE: Kidnappers release Fox News reporters in Gaza Strip

Under the fear of death, Centanni was forced to comply with the demands of his captors. “There was a lot of writing,” he said, telling of being forced to give written statements of his work in Iraq, Afghanistan, Pakistan, and Kashmir… He was also forced to convert to Islam… “Don’t get me wrong, I have the highest respect for Islam. We learned a lot of great things about it,” he explained, “but it was something we felt we had to do, because they had the gun… There were times that I thought ‘I’m dead,’ and now…I’m not.”

Good on ya! Let that be a lesson to you all! A forced conversion, whether done under threat of death by crazed Islamic terrorists or equally crazed Jewish in laws, is only good as long as the threat remains. I’m sure Centanni and Wiig are going to eat a big fat bacon and cheese sandwich first chance they get!

Ynet reports that the Sunday Times reports today that on the first day of the war against Hizbullah, Dan Halutz called Olmert after the IAF successfully destroyed Hizbullah’s Zalzal rockets – these were the long range rockets that could reach Tel Aviv – and informed him that “We won the war.” The remainder of the article goes on to explain how Israel’s vaunted army found itself ill prepared for Hizbullah’s surprises. Read all of this with a grain of salt until verified by another source. Still, some of these details have already appeared in other publications

Even as Halutz was declaring victory, 12 Israeli soldiers from the Maglan reconnaissance unit were already running into an ambush just over the border inside Lebanon near the village of Maroun a-Ras.

“We didn’t know what hit us,” said one of the soldiers, who asked to be named only as Gad. “In seconds we had two dead.”

With several others wounded and retreating under heavy fire the Maglans, one of the finest units in the Israeli Defence Forces (IDF), were astonished by the firepower and perseverance of Hezbollah.

“Evidently they had never heard that an Arab soldier is supposed to run away after a short engagement with the Israelis,” said Gad.

“We expected a tent and three Kalashnikovs — that was the intelligence we were given. Instead, we found a hydraulic steel door leading to a well-equipped network of tunnels.”

(more…)

After a few wonderful days of communing with the ghost of Saul Bellow and the spirit of Rufus Wainwright, I am back in New York. Little-known fact: I am part Canadian. Although I’d barely ever seen the place, much of my family is from Montreal, so all the old-time Jewish delis/tourist traps ought to trigger unconscious memories for me. Apparently my great-grandmother liked smoked-meat sandwiches (Montreal’s pastrami-like “delicacy”), but tasting one brought back memories mainly of why I don’t go to delicatessens in New York. That said, I thought Montreal was pretty great. To give this post a Jewlicious angle, I should mention that a used bookstore on St. Laurent may no longer have a Jewish history section, now that I bought just about every book on French-Jewish-Israeli topics I could find. And to give this post a fluffy, utter-nonsense angle, I am now obsessed with the designer Denis Gagnon, whose minimalist yet beautiful clothes are the best possible reason I could think of to become an i-banker, Olsen twin, or similar.

The artist is Nahum Gutman.

Shabbat shalom.

Thirty days before Rosh Hashanah, the sound of the shofar can be heard. It’s the world’s most ancient alarm clock.

“Get off your tush, take an accounting of life, dude.”

And I start to think. Where am I? Am I in a rut. Am I lost. Where exactly do I think this will get me. Does this path lead to honors and integrity. How can I maintain my since of self. Am I all about myself. Do I care enough about those around me. Do I show my love for those that are kind to me. What does God think of me, and what I am, and what I am becoming. What do my great-grandparents think as they look on at my life. Are they proud of me. What can I change and what should I maintain. Its only thirty days before the day of Rosh Hashanah, the clock is ticking, the sand is falling through the hourglass. Wow is there a lot of work to do.

We’ve discussed the horrible tragedy that befell the Grossman family. I’ve been seeking the translation for the eulogy by David Grossman for his son, Uri, who was killed on the day prior to the cease fire in Lebanon, and have just found an excellent one written by the lovely, talented and gracious Lisa Goldman and posted on Lisa’s superb On The Face blog. Here it is:

Uri my dear,

Over the past three days almost every thought has begun with the word “no”. No, he won’t come back. No, we won’t talk, and no we won’t laugh. No, there won’t be another boy like that, with the ironic look in his eyes and the fabulous sense of humour. No, there won’t be the young man who was so wise beyond his years, no there won’t be that warm smile and healthy appetite. No, there won’t be that rare combination of determination and gentleness, no there won’t be his straightforwardness and his wise heart. No, there won’t be any more of Uri’s infinite gentleness, and no there won’t be his inner quiet that calms every argument. And no we won’t watch The Simpsons or Seinfeld together, and no we won’t listen to Johnny Cash. And no we won’t feel your strong hugs. And no we won’t see you talking to Yonatan as you gesticulate wildly, and we won’t see you hug your beloved sister Ruthie.

Uri my love, throughout your short life we all learned from you. From your strength and your insistence on going your own way. For choosing your own path even if there was no chance you would succeed. With astonishment we watched your struggle to be accepted to an officers’ training course. You knew you would be a good officer, and you were never satisfied with being anything but the very best you were capable of. And when you succeeded I thought, Here is a man who has such a simple, sober understanding of his own abilities. He is completely free of pretension and arrogance. He is completely unaffected by what others say about him. His source of strength lies within himself.

That is the way you were from the time you were a child. You were a child who lived in harmony with himself and his environment. A child who knew he belonged, who knew he was loved, who knew his limitations and understood his uniqueness. And truly, when you forced the army to submit to your will and accept you as an officer, it was clear what kind of an officer and human being you would be. And now we hear from your friends and your soldiers about the officer and the friend, about how you would wake up before everyone else to arrange everything and go to bed only after everyone else had fallen asleep.

(more…)