I know. You fell over. You stopped breathing. You might have rubbed your eyes and reloaded the page. No this is not a joke.

The Federation – in this case the LA Fed – is not where one normally turns to for edgy stuff, let alone nice design. I could post post their usual fare here, but that might provide further ill-will. Rather, the Federation has been listening to marketing guru, Gary Wexler, who recently posted on the JTA Blog Fundermentalist how he got the LA Fed on board with his plans and what they are planning. The article is detailed and a must read:

Can a Mexican poster artist living in East L.A., whose family owns panaderias (Mexican bakeries) and taquito stands, be a great branding artist for the Jewish people?

I’ve staked my professional reputation on it.. . .

This month’s first step of the branding launch was designed with a sensibility that was to be both deeply Jewish and deeply L.A. The new branding tagline “GiveLifeMeaning.org” emerged from extensive conversations within the community, asking people what was their most powerful motivation for involvement and support.

What is even more startling is that they came up with their slogan in consultation with their constituency. This is totally mind-blowing. The Top-Down Fed model is so entrenched, so part of the fabric of dysfunction in American Jewish life, that it has successfully alienated the greater part of the Jewish community. Gary Wexler aims to change that, and in the process help recreate the Federation in a way that both is answerable, in touch with, and serves the interests of the community.

I met with Gary this morning and got a small dose. After he lavished praise on Jewlicious (smile) we discussed the role of outsiders on influencing mainstream institutions. He encouraged Jewlicious to be a continuous platform for discussing what can be done to help fix communal life.

Federations are out of touch, bloated, club-like, dollar driven, and the list goes on. BUT, perhaps Gary and his passion, can help to shake up the Feds, wake them up, before they have run out of donors, and ideas, and usefulness.

The cause the LA Fed have chosen is battling hunger in LA, and we are going to get involved. But can you guys do something about the video on the site? JEWS TALK TOO MUCH! It would appear that this part of the campaign did not get the Hollwood treatment yet.

L’Chaim Gary!

I’m re-reading The Modern Jewish Girl’s Guide to Guilt and currently reading the essay by Baz Dreisinger entitled “Spot the Jew” in which she discusses “Jewish” features.

If you haven’t read this collection of essays, you should – as a Jewish woman you’ll relate to each woman’s story – as a Jewish man, well, maybe it will help you understand Jewish women. So thinking about my own experiences, growing up in a community with so many Jews that we had off from school for Yom Kippur, and now living in a community where kids have off from school for opening day of hunting season – in both of those places, and other places I’ve spent time in between, Jewish stereotypes reign. I realize that I feed into those stereotypes as well.

About a month ago, I was out at a bar in my town with a college friend who came to visit. There was this guy near us for a few hours who was so “my type” – Jewish looking, in a suburbanized way. I approached him at the bar and straight out asked him…are you Jewish? He laughed and told me that he’s not, but he gets that all the time. What does that mean? Are there people out there who think that everyone with olive skin, dark hair and a slightly larger than average nose is Jewish? Or just hopeful Jewish women who look at the world through Jewish colored lenses?

I was a little embarrassed to have played into those stereotypes. I became hyper aware of my references to things that are “so Jewish”. A few weeks ago, I met a woman in my community who kept saying that she was sure she had met me before. I have a pretty good memory for faces and knew we had never met. My response? “Oh, I look like every other Jewish girl you’ve met.” While I might look “so Jewish” in context (something Dreisinger discusses in “Spot the Jew”), to others I may look Greek or Italian. I seem to be missing the staple of Jewish-ness for women, unruly, curly hair (did you spot the stereotype?). With my stick straight, shiny hair, I could pass for a shiksa. But so many Jews I know could also pass for non-Jews. So what’s with the stereotypes? I’m sure I’m not the only one to accept “Jewish” features at face value…

Muffti’s little sister, Jessie, who does not refer to herself in the third person and has very few of Muffti’s vices and annoying habits (she’s certainly not much of a clear-cut atheist, for example) is coming to the Holy Land on a birthright trip, starting Monday. If you see her, please say ‘hello’, ’shalom’ or ‘hey, you’re that asshole’s sister!’ and treat her nicely. And keep your hands off her or the Muffti will unleash his wrath upon thee! Looking at you, ck…

The “Cool Mamalahs” are not a girl band. Or a roller derby team. Or the ladies on mikveh duty. We’re just six Jewish chicas crazy about being Jewish. And we’re teaming up to give away the mother of all Mother’s Day Gift Boxes, valued at $150+, on May 10th, Mamalah’s Day. (We’re using Yiddish liberally these days.)

The Call-Your-Mother Gift Box Giveaway contains

*A Fistful of Lentils: Syrian-Jewish Recipes from Grandma’s Fritzie’s Kitchen (Harvard Common Press) by Jennifer Felicia Abadi, retail value $24.95

* The Mama Doni Band’s “I Love Herring (& Other Fish Shticks for Kids)”, “I Love Chanukah” and “I Love Purim” music CDs, total value $25

* “Shomer Negiah Panties” designed by artist Maya Escobar, gift certificate valued at $50

* The Modern Jewish Mom’s Guide To Shabbat: Connect and Celebrate-Bring Your Family Together with the Friday Night Meal (Harper Paperbacks) by Meredith Jacobs, retail value $16.95

* Cool Jew: The Ultimate Guide for Every Member of the Tribe (Andrews McMeel Publishing) by Lisa Alcalay Klug, retail value $12.99

* Pomegranate vases/candle holders by Israeli artist Racheli Peretz provided by Jennie Rivlin Roberts, ModernTribe.com, retail value $36

To enter to win the Call-Your-Mother Gift Box Giveaway, visit the ModernTribe.com blog (http://blog.moderntribe.com) at http://tinyurl.com/callmom and submit your answer to this question: “Why does your mom, grandmother, sister, friend, cousin or you deserve the ‘Call-Your-Mother Gift Box?’” On this page, visitors can also click through to purchase elements of the Gift Box. No purchase is required to win. Heck, you don’t even have to be a mom. Or have one. (Petri dish anyone?) You just have to enter. And live in the U.S. or Canada. (So sorry ck.)

The winner will be announced on Mamalah’s Day, May 10th, 2009 on the websites of the “Cool Mamalahs,” here and every other place we shvitz. Don’t forget to enter!

Hola! Don´t cry for me, Jewlicious and Eretz Israel, for I, your intrepid correspondent, am in Argentina for a Bar Mitzvah. I arrived in Buenos Aires, the city with the largest Jewish pop. in South and Central America, this morning at 7AM, after an 8 hour, red eye bus ride from the South. I immediately facebookéd and googled for any Yom Haatzmaut parties in BA, and found that our Spanish speaking cousins spell in Iom Haatzmaut. Tonight, I arrived at the proper spot at the proper time, but alas, security was tight, as it should be, with police and barriers set up in 2 block radii around the event. I was not given access, so I hung at a local fast food joint with a naranja soda instead, where I was able to hear Hatikva in the distance. Little did I know that this fast food spot was ground zero for the buses of Jewish Zionist kids who drove in for the event from Rosario, Bahia Blanca and the other towns, so I was able to hang with them for a moment or two, which, honestly, is so much better than hearing some machars speak from the podium.

Arlen Specter has been his own man for many years. A few years ago, in 2004, fresh from winning his election, Specter was in line for the Chairmanship of the Judiciary Committee at a time when it was clear that Rehnquist was going to be replaced. He made the mistake of announcing publicly that he would not permit passage of a nominee who would overturn Roe v. Wade.

The Republicans would have none of it. The leaders of the party let him know in no uncertain terms that even if his seniority indicated that he should be appointed the next Committee Chairman, they were not bound to this custom and if the potential Chairman was out of line, then there were other Republicans who could be placed there instead; loyal and true Republicans.

Specter stood down. After a lifetime, he was hungry for the Chairmanship and with some lobbying and kow-towing to the right groups and party leaders, he was indeed given the plum role. I have always assumed that he was humiliated after being humbled by his party bosses.

Specter recently raised the ire of Republicans again by voting for Obama’s Stimulus pacakge, one of only three Republicans to cross the aisle and do so. That got a lot of people talking and it gave an opening to a fellow Republican politician who was running against Specter in their Pennsylvania Republican primary election. A few serious attack ads, some door to door canvassing and all of a sudden for the first time in a long career, Specter found himself facing the loss of his seat. What must have stung, again, was that he was being attacked by a fellow party-members despite his many years of distinguished service in the Senate. Apparently his views just weren’t far enough to the right.

Perhaps recalling the humiliation of 2004 at the hands of his colleagues and facing yet another humiliation but this time one that would expel him from the Senate, Arlen Specter listened carefully to the lobbying on their joint travels back to Pennsylvania of the current VP, his old friend Joseph Biden, who suggested as he had for a number of years that perhaps Specter’s values are no longer in line with the Republican party’s and are in line with the Democrats.

My guess is that a mix of pragmatism and political savvy probably drove Specter to make the decision to switch parties. It’s ironic in many ways because he began his political career as a Democrat and left for the Republican party about 43 years ago. This is his return and it couldn’t come at a better time for the Democrats. Facing ongoing threats of filibusters by the hypocritical Republicans who were opposed to such maneuverings by the minority Dems when they were in power, the current Democrats in the Senate now have at least a 59th and, if as expected Al Franken wins his election’s legal battles, probably a 60th and filibuster-breaking new addition to their party. The other winners here, along with the Democratic Senators and President Obama are Pennsylvanians. My guess is they’ll be getting a bunch of goodies over the next couple of years because of this party-affiliation switch by the their formerly-Republican representative.

Shot from the Machane Yehuda, Jerusalem’s Central Market, this morning at 11 am when the annual Memorial Day air raid siren sounded. Officially known as Yom Hazikaron or יום הזכרון לחללי מערכות ישראל ולנפגעי פעולות האיבה it is day when Israelis commemorate their fallen, 24,293 soldiers and counting. Later tonight we will break out of our sombre mood and celebrate Israel Independence Day. Till then, well… remember.

Speaking of memory, below is a guest post by writer Sara K. Eisen:

On Memory
Is a memory something you have or something you’ve lost? – Woody Allen (Spoken by Gena Rowlands (as Marion) in ‘Another Woman’)

Today we think of who we do not have and why, and then what that lack demands of us.

Tomorrow, about how we celebrate being alive to meet those demands.

Today is Memorial Day in Israel, honoring fallen soldiers and victims of terror, observed here a day before Independence Day. The connection is essential since it is widely recognized that without the former, celebrating the latter would be impossible, while always hoping that one day, this will not be the case. That there will be no more names on next year’s list of the fallen. It is, in other words, a sacred day we wish with all our hearts we didn’t need to observe, and in fact grapple with its necessity all the time.

Here’s something I wrote about potential loss and war when my husband was commanding an APC in Lebanon II. I was essentially the least supportive war wife ever, because I didn’t believe in the war. I later learned, from the Disney franchise of all places, that Hassan Nasrallah was counting on people like me to behave exactly as I did. (What does Disney have to do with the IDF and Hezbollah? Think Mufasa / Scar / Simba / Pridelands / Hakuna Matata / Circle of Life… Or just read the essay.)

In any event, Israel is not quite Western and also has a very small population – death by war is not something distant and abstract, since everyone has either lost someone or knows someone who has. As such, there are no Memorial Day sales and no Memorial Day home games and no Memorial Day picnics. There are, instead (not in addition), countless public ceremonies, school observances, lots of sad TV documentaries (and little else on) and public moments of silence when traffic stops all along the nation’s highways. It’s not a case where some of the country mourns its fallen sons and daughters and some of the country shops or watches baseball.

Memory is pervasive around here, fraught. It is as much something as it is a lack of something.

The mood shifts dramatically sometime around 5 pm, as people get ready for Independence Day, an out and out celebration, complete with picnics, barbecues, parties, fireworks, etc. Much like the Fourth of July.

(But stores: Still closed.)

It seems that Israeli memory is about a conscious decision to always be remembering and forgetting all the time, in the same instant, a constant argument between absence and presence that sometimes results in the type of massive virtual memory overload that can causes one to freeze. Independence Day is, to continue that metaphor, like one big national reboot.

In truth, I sometimes miss the days of memory being something you celebrate at Macy’s, unless, of course, you had someone die in Vietnam or Iraq, in which case your day might look a little Israeli.

In any event, this silence and seriousness and restraint and celebration of life that nearly everyone does around here is very intense and it makes me want to hide some days.

But then I forget that I need to. Memory is like that.

Bea Arthur, born Bernice Frankel, passed away after a battle with cancer Saturday in Los Angeles. A Tony Award winning theater actress, including a role as “Yente the Matchmaker” in the 1964 premiere of Fiddler on the Roof on Broadway, Arthur began her TV career as Maude Bunker’s feminist cousin in All in the Family. She was the title character in the spinoff show Maude for which she won an Emmy in 1977 for Outstanding Lead Actress in a Comedy Series. Later she appeared in The Golden Girls where her role garnered another Emmy win in 1988. She left the show after 7 years but continued working and even appeared as Larry David’s Mother in Curb Your Enthusiasm. Arthur was inducted into the Academy of Television Arts and Sciences Hall of Fame in 2008. She is survived by two sons, Matthew and Daniel and a sister in Montreal. Bea Arthur will be remembered for her unique style, her talent and her ground breaking performances on stage and screen.

LA Times Obituary

Soon enough, I might be pimping him out coordinating his social life as Muffti and I have had the idea of moving in together for a while for experimental purposes. So I was looking into what interesting things can be done on the West coast; it appears that the Contemporary Jewish Museum features several rather intriguing exhibitions, including ones on artwork created for Russian Jewish theatre productions (including works by Chagall), the history of Jewish recorded music from the 1940s to the 1980s, and (upcoming) an exhibition on streetnames in Germany that still refer to Jewish presence at some point. The events accompanying the respective exhibitions include readings, plays concerts etc., and sound definitely worth checking out if you dwell in the area. Or you could have a date with Muffti. (Dates with Muffti are matter to availability. All expenses would be on you as he hasn’t got tenure yet.)

MyJewishLearning has released the second part of what looks like an ongoing video series. The last one was titled “How Jews Look.” This video explores a little known aspect of Judaism, food. Yes, apparently Jews like to eat and how and what they eat is reflective not just of their tastes but of their Judaism. Who knew! No but seriously, it’s a cute video. Watch it!

How Jews Eat from MyJewishLearning.com on Vimeo.

Gosh! I can’t wait till they produce “How Jews Fu…” oh never mind. I’ll just pull out the Ron Jeremy videos for that.

We’re now in the Yom season, as I call it, that time when at least once a week, for a few weeks, we have one day holidays. Some are days of somber remembrance, others days of celebration, recalling independence and reunification. But for as many Yoms occur during this spring season, and for all the remembering and commemoration, we are forgetting. We so easily forget the “chained” – the Agunot. These are women who are in the process of divorce, in Israel, and have been strung along by their self-righteous, bitter, misogynistic, temper-tantrum-throwing (and cbag) husbands. Some have been waiting for months, some for years and still others, for decades. They represent all women – of all shapes and sizes, of all backgrounds, ex-pats and sabras – and everywhere in between.

These ladies have been fighting the good fight on their home front – literally. They’ve been pushed and prodded, questioned and sometimes verbally abused by the Israeli bureaucracy. Unable to reclaim their lives unless their husband (soon to be, or not, ex) allows them.

And at some point, when the time eventually comes (it doesn’t for some), a group of old men with beards sit in judgement of every argument she and her husband had and have the power to decide if her life is horrible enough to force the husband to give her a get. There is no consideration of the damage this antiquated and one-sided process can cause – for either of them (not forgetting the children, if there are any).

The Agunot deserve to be recognized and remembered. During the Yom season, we recall those who have suffered injustice. So where is Yom HaAgunot?

From a site called Jerusalem Shots This is a photo of the Temple Mount as seen at night from the Jerusalem walkway.

Shabbat shalom!

With so much craziness going on in the world, we have to stick together and show solidarity for Israel. Jewlicious has joined the largest Israel Festival in the USA to help bring you an amazing show by MOSHAV. Join us for an afternoon of fun, music, and friends. Vendors, food, Israel vibe everywhere – there will be 10-20,000 people there. ONLY $5 Check out the Jewlicious Booth where we will have a free gift! This is going to be a huge party and we look forward to seeing you!

MOSHAV play at 4pm so you want to be there by 3 to get parking and make your way to the stage.
Join the Jewlicious Facebook Event here
Israel Festival
Sunday, May 3, 2009 10 am – 7 pm
At Woodley Park Admission $5
All day fun for adults, kids and families — Rides, food, and a variety of booths and more….
For more info: www.israelfestival,com or 818-757-0123

REPEAT! Moshav @ 4pm on the main stage….don’t miss this show for Israel!

Sabbath in Jerusalem is always a whirlwind of activity – cooking, shopping or traveling, whatever you’re doing, by the time sunset rolls in, you’re happy to just stop. For those Jerusalemites who shop at the shuk, Yehuda Leuchter, lead singer of Israeli Jam band Aharit Hayamim, is a welcome fixture, serenading the busy shoppers with… wait what?? “…a pernicious ideological perspective … [a] message [that] is about a…neo-Zionist uprising against the state or secular Jews or against liberal politics in favor of religious nationalism, theocratism, and messianism…” What?? This quote by Dan Sieradski, the JTA’s Director of Digital Media, the founder of Jewschool and a “Jewish social entrepreneur” appeared in a New Voices article titled Settler Rock. Combining cherry picked quotes (produced with the aid of leading questions no doubt) and opinions voiced by ideologically driven non-experts, the article, written by Josh Nathan-Kazis asks if it’s appropriate for a band that “is associated with some of the most extreme elements of the settler movement” to appear in mainstream Jewish venues in North America.

Except there’s one little problem. There’s nothing in the band’s music or any of their statements that actually promotes anything described by Sieradski or Nathan-Kazis. Yehuda Leuchter lives in Nachalot, in West Jerusalem. When I walked by and snapped my pics, Yehuda and his friends were singing Tehillim and songs about the Sabbath and Tefilin. I waited for the anti-secular, anti-State songs. Nothing. Pernicious ideological perspective indeed! I mean it’s an awesome angle – trying to paint these guys like the Zionist version of Skrewdriver (white power band) but man did they ever get it wrong and they didn’t let a lack of facts to get in the way of a good story.

Oh well. New Voices is an independent student publication, not afraid to tackle many of our sacred cows (ie Birthright, Chabad) and I appreciate that. But being a bad ass ought not come at the expense of, you know, facts. I trust that will be one of the lessons taught at the upcoming National Jewish Student Journalism Conference on May 3rd: “Presented by New Voices Magazine and the Jewish Student Press Service and hosted by Avanim, the literary journal of Columbia/Barnard Hillel, the conference features workshops and panels on campus Jewish publications, writing on Israel, and more.”

By the way, Aharit Hayamim performed at the Jewlicious Festival and we are all now rabid right wing Zionists as a result. When the Third Temple is rebuilt, we will know how to deal with the race traitors amongst us. Jew Power!! And have a Shabbat Shalom!

In recent weeks I’ve had to repeat, several times, that I advocate a unilateral Israeli withdrawal from most of the West Bank to the portion of Judea and Samaria that is west of the Security Fence. I don’t believe this will constitute a final border, but it will remove a pretty sharp arrowhead from Israel’s bleeding achilles heel.

To be clear, I consider the West Bank to be “disputed” territory and not occupied. I believe this land is the cradle of Jewish civilization, perhaps to a greater degree even than where Israel is situated today. I abhor the bigotry that causes the Arabs to seek to remove all of the Jews from their midst. I am fully aware that the Palestinians do not seek a Jewish state called Israel to exist next to them and have designs on the entire area (including Jordan).

I have little sympathy for the Palestinians and their war on Israel. They could have and should have made peace long ago, and the formula has been on the table for almost a decade. In other words, I don’t believe that justice rests with the Palestinians. They have not earned a state or the right to a state. They have shown in Gaza that left to their own devices, they will use their resources to wage war rather than build their society and economy.

The weepy Left excuses all of these shortcomings, usually by blaming Israel: “the Occupation;” “the starvation of Palestinians;” “genocide;” “cruelty;” “collective punishment;” “resistance;” etc. They fall all over themselves justifying Palestinian terrorism, Palestinian war-mongering, Palestinian anti-Semitism and even Palestinian lies and perfidy.

For example, if you read a number of the anti-Zionist blog-sites out there, even ones written by Jews, they have taken recent Palestinian claims about ownership of the Dead Sea Scrolls at face value. They actually call Israelis thieves for possessing the Scrolls even though the Scrolls are written in Hebrew and Aramaic, contain the books of the Torah, and other writings that relate to religious life and belief among those Judeans who lived in the area we now call the West Bank a couple of thousand years ago. There could not be a clearer case of artifacts bearing the cultural heritage of a people than the relationship between the Dead Sea Scrolls and the Jewish people. And yet, in a cynical game played by the very same people who declare openly that Jews have no historic, religious or cultural connection to the Land of Israel, the Palestinians claim and demand ownership of these treasures of Jewish history.

In other words, morality is not the Palestinians’ strong suit. Their sympathizers have to twist themselves into awkward pretzel-like shapes to excuse the behavior of the Palestinians over this past century of conflict. Of course, they do it by constantly casting blame upon the Jews and upon Zionists.

By leaving most of the West Bank/Judea and Samaria, Israel would be handing over this important area to the Palestinians.

Then again, the Israelis are far from perfect themselves. The ongoing construction of settlements over the past 40 years has been an epic mistake.

(more…)

Those of you in LA might want to pop by the Israeli consulate on 6380 Wilshire Blvd. this Friday at 11:15 am. There you will be treated to a protest of sorts by whacknut Christian members of the Westboro Baptist Church, you know, the God Hates Fags people? Anyhow, turns out they hate Jews too. And Obama. Here’s something from a flier they sent out recently about their upcoming demonstration (sorry no link it was sent to me by email. Thanks Josh):

JEWS KILLED JESUS! Yes, the Jews killed the Lord Jesus (1 Th. 2:14-15). Now they’re carrying water for the fags; that’s what they do best: sin in God’s face every day, with unprecedented and disproportionate amounts of sodomy, fornication, adultery, abortion and idolatry! God hates these dark-hearted rebellious disobedient Jews.

WBC WILL PICKET THE APOSTATE, CHRIST-KILLING JEWS TO REMIND THEM THAT THE WRATH OF GOD IS COME UPON THEM TO THE UTTERMOST (1 Th. 2:16)

Antichrist Obama will soon lead the armies of the world in bloody war and persecution against Israel. Only the remnant elect Jews will repent, mourn, and be delivered (See Rev. 7 & 14; Zech. 12 & 14; Isa. 66; Mt. 24; Mk. 13; Luke 21). GOD HATES ISRAEL! ISRAEL IS DOOMED!

So yeah. If you’re around, do feel free to pop by, take pictures and laugh your ass off at Reverend Fred Phelps and his band of whacknut loony tunes. Afterwards they will also picket Corona del Mar High School, 2101 Eastbluff Dr., Newport Beach, CA at 2:15 pm. I have no idea why. And if you do go and snap some pics, please, please, please send me some. I need a good laugh.

The man runs a dictatorship that gets hundreds of millions in US Aid, and has a peace treaty with Israel. He says in a recent interview with NPR, that Israel is the problem in the region, and that Israel needs to decide to be a good neighbors.

Its not lack of freedom, terrorism, water resources, discrimination of women, minorities, etc etc. that might be part of the cause for the lack of peace. Nah!

No, this Oxford educated political genius, pegs it all on Israel. Wow that is so original.

The ultimate “prize” for the Israelis, King Abdullah said, is recognition by the 57 Arab and Muslim nations that don’t have relations with the Jewish state. He says Israel is at a critical juncture now and has to decide whether it wants to be “integrated into the neighborhood” or continue to be “fortress Israel.”

When you listen to the interview, in almost sounds like he is saying that Israel is at a juncture. . . for existence. You listen, and tell me that I am not dreaming this up.

Produced by Jewlicious Festival Alum and performer, Smooth E. Oh shutup, you knew it was bound to happen, you’re just pissed you didn’t do it first. Who is Susan Boyle? Where’ve you been? Fighting the Taliban in Pakistan or something? Click here you useless git. And what the hell are the Taliban doing 70 kms from Islamabad??? Seriously.

It’s been brought to my attention that Madonna / Esther might finally have realized Jesus might have been better for adoption than for, ahemmm, aerobics and possibly has moved on to a MOT, businessman Moses Abraham Schimmel.

At 44, he’s twice as old as Brazilian toyboy JESUS LUZ and doubly keen to step things up with the Queen of Pop.

But that’s not going down too well with the young one. A source close to Madonna said: “It’s bizarre, you couldn’t find two men more different. Jesus isn’t happy about her relationship with Marc, but she enjoys his company.”

Apparently they have lots in common like Kabbalah and exercise. They are both divorced with kids and there’s a deep spiritual connection that neither of them have ever experienced.”

The friend went on: “Everyone thinks they would be great together. Marc’s ready to take things to the next level. He knows Madonna needs time, but he doesn’t think Jesus is right for her.” [Full article]

The comments suggest that matters might not be as they seem between Madonna and Moses (stagename suggestion: the M&Ms of the Kabbalah Centre), and according to the source who has brought this bit of gossip to my attention (as well as the commenters that claim to know Moses), Schimmel hasn’t given his wife a get yet. Maybe she should just get herself a red bendl and and drown her sorrows in Kabbalah water.

Note to Madonna, it might help your adoption plans a lot if you patched up your private life. Maybe Mrs Schimmel could teach you a lesson or two on what it takes to be a mame.

Hey… I’m the new girl. You can learn all about me from my bio on the “about” page.  I’ve still got Pesach on the brain and since this lil bit helped get me to where I am today, this very moment – I thought I’d share. Even though, when my parents read this, they might not be so proud. Or maybe they’ll finally go…international pressure is on! So, Next Year in Jerusalem it is:

Every year at the seder, Jews through the Diaspora end the evenings order by announcing ” Next Year in Jerusalem!”. This year, I returned from Jerusalem only days before the first seder, and as part of me was wishing I was still there, it got me thinking. Why is it OK to break the 9th Commandment (no lying) during Pesach, but not OK to eat flat breads, like naan or tortilla because they don’t resemble cardboard? For real: how many people say “Next Year in Jerusalem” and mean it or follow through?

For example: my parents, during their marriage alone, have said “Next Year in Jerusalem” twice a year for 34 years. How many times have they travelled to Israel? Zero. My parents, who dutifully kasher their home for for Pesach every year, who attend shul every Shabbat, who have countless sets of dishes, utensils and cookware, who are involved wholly in their Jewish community…and they’ve not once set foot in the Holy Land when they’ve announced 68 times – “Next Year in Jerusalem”.

Before I left for Israel last month, I told my parents that I would use my camera to document all of the amazing things I saw there, so that they would see what they’re missing. I took pictures of everything I could – the scenery change from rocky terrain outside of Jlem to grassy mountains carpeted with wildflowers in the Golan…from the mudpits at the Dead Sea to the lapping waters of the Kinneret. Even of my younger cousins’ gelato covered faces as we walked through the German Colony. And what shayne punims! If their doe-eyed, chocolate-faced cuteness wasn’t enough to lure my parents to Israel, what could?

I’ve been emailing them often with information about organized trips for adults – so if anyone knows of some – let me know. It’s my goal to get my parents to Israel by this time next year!

You gotta love Republicans. Sen. James Inhofe (R, Okla.), the ranking Republican on the Environment and Public Works Committee and a leading skeptic on global warming, announced on the Senate floor yesterday that he will filibuster President Obama’s first nominee to the federal bench, Judge David Hamilton. Why? Because Inhofe took umbrage with Hamilton’s judgment in the case of Hinrichs vs Bosmah where it was decided that “Jesus” could not be used in opening prayers at Indiana’s House of Representatives, but in theory, “Allah” could be used in entirely non-sectarian prayers.

The Arabic word “Allah” is used for “God” in Arabic translations of Jewish and Christian scriptures. If those offering prayers in the Indiana House of Representatives choose to use the Arabic Allah, the Spanish Dios, the German Gott, the French Dieu, the Swedish Gud, the Greek Theos, the Hebrew Elohim, the Italian Dio, or any other language’s terms in addressing the God who is the focus of the non-sectarian prayers contemplated in (US Supreme Court case) Marsh v. Chambers, the court sees little risk that the choice of language would advance a particular religion or disparage others. If and when the prayer practices in the Indiana House of Representatives ever seem to be advancing Islam, an appropriate party can bring the problem to the attention of this or another court.

So Inhofe is mad at Hamilton for a judgment he made which relied on a previous ruling of the US Supreme Court. Inhofe also finds it offensive that Allah can be invoked in prayer but not Jesus, neglecting of course to note that Allah is just the Arabic word for God, and that a similar use of Muhammad would also be banned. How exactly did this man become a US Senator?? Can I be a Senator too please? Apparently we will soon be hearing rumors that Judge Hamilton is a secret Muslim, just like President Obama!!

Sigh. Read Attorney Ian Millhiser’s article on the issue at the Huffington Post.

Today in Israel it’s Holocaust Memorial Day. This morning the sirens sounded and everyone stopped for a moment of contemplation. Cars halted on highways, everything was quiet save for the mournful shriek of the air raid sirens. Today is a day that commemorates the Holocaust that saw the annihilation of 6 million Jews at the hands of the Nazis and their enablers during WWII. The definitive phrase is “Never Again” and while we use that to imply that never again shall the Jews be victims of Genocide, we ought to also contemplate and consider other victims of Genocide.

Representatives of most of the world are united in Geneva today at The World Conference Against Racism. Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad reminded the world that we don’t have to look far to see victims of Genocide. Right in our own backyard, the brave people of Gaza are suffering untold oppression at the hands of brutal Zionist thugs. We were reminded that Gaza is nothing less than one giant concentration camp whose inmates are subject to random death, hunger and deprivation.

One story of such deprivation published recently by Spiegel Online was particularly touching. The subject was the sexy underwear market of Damascus:

“It all started about four or five years ago,” says Hayek. His grandfather was a merchant too, selling underwear — still chaste in those days — to women. But then Syria got wired. “Ever since people started going to Internet cafes, and seeing what the rest of the world is wearing, demand has completely changed,” says Hayek. Damascene women at first asked bashfully for “special designs.” Now the fruits of the Internet-fuelled imaginations of Syrian designers are displayed in the open… The customers tend to be mothers buying underwear for their soon-to-be-married daughters… “The mothers believe their son-in-law will be less interested in other women if his wife surprises him with more and more new gimmicks at home,” he says. In a culture where there is always the danger that the man may find a second or third wife for himself, wives want to make sure their husband stays loyal to them, Abu Adnan speculates… Abu Adnan also has leather outfits, sold complete with whip, and maid costumes featuring zippers at crucial points, which are in short supply. His best seller, however, is the “applause” design. Abu Adnan holds up a slip decorated with feathers. “Please clap your hands twice,” he says. After two sharp claps, the slip falls out of the shopkeeper’s hand. “A built-in mechanism releases magnets,” he says. “This way the man can undress the woman without touching her.”

The news of exotic Syrian underwear has spread across the Middle East. These skivvies now represent an important export item and sales are often seen as a barometer of regional tastes and politics.

After many years in the underwear business, Nasser says he’s an expert on what goes on in Arab bedrooms. “I tell you, Palestinian women are the most interesting. They want sexy stuff — the saucier the better.” … “As long as Israel is quiet, we do very good business with Gaza…”

Hence we see that one of the first victims of Israeli intransigence in Gaza is the Palestinian bedroom. With heightened tensions, along with basic food supplies, badly needed medicine and other humanitarian aid, imports of sexy Syrian undies are jeopardized as are countless Palestinian marriages and boudoirs. This undeniably has a detrimental effect on the birthrate and is in fact a manifestation of Genocide and a heinous war crime that ought to be prosecuted to the fullest extent of the law. As a nation that mourns the victims of the Nazi Holocaust, it is shameful beyond comprehension that we are perpetuating pogroms against Palestinian panties. Shameful.

Oh the humanity.

The World Conference Against Racism 2009 hit the apex of ridiculousness yesterday when Iranian President and Holocaust denier Mahmoud Ahmadinejad addressed the delegates in a speech that brought out killer clowns and caused most of the representatives of the civilized world to walk out. But there was behind the scenes ridiculousness as well!

Following the conclusion of the Iranian President’s speech, members of the World Union of Jewish Students, human rights groups, Students Against Racism, Prof. Alan Dershowitz , Nobel Laureate Ellie Wiesel, and American actor John Voight held a second silent protest outside of Ahmadinejad’s press conference, while others read aloud the Universal Declaration of Human Rights… In a move of comic tradegy,UN officials approached the group telling them “you cannot read that here”. An Iranian group began heckling the protest with cries of “end the Holocaust in Gaza”. The group protesting Ahmadinejad responded with a chant, “no to racism, yes to human rights”. This resulted in those protesting Ahmadinejad’s racism having their United Nations accreditation removed for the remainder of the conference. Security staff entirely ignored the antics of the Iranian responsible for the provocation.

Le grand mechant sigh. But yeah, down with racism! Woohoo. What a joke. What are these poor anti-Ahmadinejad protesters supposed to do now? Do you have any idea how fucking boring Geneva is??

Massive walkout follows…

Two protesters, wearing clown wigs, briefly disrupted the beginning of the speech by Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, yelling “Racist! Racist! Racist!” and throwing soft red clown noses at him, but he continued speaking. Shortly afterward a stream of Western delegates walked out when he attacked the creation of the state of Israel. France, which had warned of a walkout, described Ahmadinejad’s words as “hate speech”. Some of those who stayed clapped as Mr Ahmadinejad continued his speech. Way to go UN! Let’s get this guy some nukes pronto!!

UPDATE: One of the clowns has been identified as Boaz Toporovsky, head of the Israeli Students’ Union. LINK (in Hebrew, but great pic!). Anyone know a good lawyer in Switzerland?

Well obviously we are no longer broadcasting from Cafe Aroma in the shuk. Instead I replaced the live feed with a photo of Jerusalem rapper Rinat Guttman who popped by and did some freestyle acapella rapping for the dozens of viewers from around the world who joined us in Machane Yehuda. Also on hand was Jewlicious poster dahlia who talked about, you know, this and that. It was nice chatting with all of you and I’m sure we’ll live broadcast again from somewhere in Jerusalem… stay tuned?