Or something like that.

I’ve just read that Sheraton hotels are giving away free stays on 23rd October. You can register for the offer from 6th to 9th October on Sheraton.com/freenight. Additional nights will cost extra.

The deal is part of a promotional event to boost stays at Sheraton hotels.

Sheraton is part of the Starwood hotels group, which was founded by a Mr Barry Sternlicht. I’d never heard of him before, but that name sounds rather telling to me, so if you’re lucky and get picked for a free night, why not book an extra one? Go and make daddy proud!

Here’s more reading on the offer.

P.S.: If any executive at Starwood wishes to receive even more promotion for almost free, this blogger would be available for flattering posts in exchange for free hotel stays. I’m a passionate traveller, non-smoker, eat with knife and fork, don’t clip my toenails in public areas, and in general won’t make you be embarrassed of me. Nu, are we in for something here?

Be extradited, that is.

I’m sure you’ve all heard about Roman Polanski’s arrest in Switzerland, where he’s facing extradition to the US.

Polanski skipped bail and fled to France more than 30 years ago after he’d pleaded guilty to having had sex with / rape of a 13-year-old.

There’s been some criticism about the circumstances of his arrest as he went to Switzerland to accept an award but got arrested by Swiss police at the request of the US.

So, how do you feel about this case?

RotFront – Sovietoblaster

When I was in primary school, the Iron Curtain still existed. On the first few days of first grade, we were instructed to let ourselves drop to the ground in case we saw a bright light outside as it might be the Soviets attacking the West with some bomb or another. The metaphorical Ivan was an imminent threat, and Radio Yerevan jokes helped us tackling the fear of the moustached, vodka-drinking, kazachok-dancing cossack. Our primary school music teacher wanted us to bridge cultural gaps and made us sing a song about Petrushka, who falls in love with Katinka. Katinka wanted to wed Petrushka and promised him shnapps and wine at their wedding. However, Petrushka’s a no-show at his own wedding – the Cold War still bore the possibility that he was annihilated by James Bond afterall – so Cousin Mishka comforts Katinka and drinks for two.

Then on 3 October 1989, the Berlin Wall came down, and nothing in Europe was anymore the way it had used to be. The newly found freedom of travel, a sense of adventure and the hope for a capitalist lifestyle drove many former Soviet comrades West. The Ivans had no moustaches, it turned out, but snug-fitting disco outfits, not uncommonly well-defined abs and a great love of each and any Kinder chocolate product. And they brought along their samovars, home-distilleries, shashlik, and deejays.

The Sovietunion soon ceased to exist and it released its Jews, who, tired of pickled cucumber and beetroot cream cakes (I guess), also moved West. One of those Soviet Jews is one Jewlicious’s favourites Yuriy Gurzhy, a true mastermind of danceable new-folk & new-Jew-folk and RotFront bandleader.

Over here at Jewlicious we’re proud to consider Yuriy one of our friends.
Click the “Play”-button on the video above, and you’ll see why we adore Yuriy so much.

Спасибо.

You know how Eli Valley is all up and destroying Zionism and not to mention drawing Jews as monkeys?  I’ve decided to take Zionism back by drawing my own web comic.  It doesn’t matter that I can’t draw, nor that I have anything legitimate to add to the debate except to come up with a comic title of Russian LeTziyon (which I actually stole from my Israeli relatives who really do call it Russian LeTziyon) and sit back in smugness.  Enjoy!

Here we go again…

We already brought you one excellent example of Israeli apartheid and now it is time to bring all of our readers yet another hideous example of Israeli apartheid.

Our previous example of Israeli apartheid told of a non-Jewish Arab Israeli citizen with full voting rights in Israel who was a member of the same fitness club as Israel’s IDF Chief of Staff who is Jewish. In South Africa’s apartheid regime, a black and a white couldn’t share the same bus, get married, or have the black person vote for the country’s government, and they definitely did not share fitness facilities. Obviously Israel has much to learn about apartheid.

However, Desmond Tutu, Jimmy Carter and Ronnie Kasrils have all compared Israel to an apartheid regime and in light of that we at Jewlicious.com have a responsibility to update our readers with as many examples of Israeli apartheid as we can find. Today’s example is the ongoing education of Omar Barghouti.

Omar Barghouti first came to my attention as a speaker at the York University Let’s-Make-Israel-A-Single-State conference a few months ago. There he spoke about settlers and indigenous people, without differentiating whether the “settlers” were inside or outside the Green Line. I didn’t hear his talk but in the abstract of his presentation at York University, he proposed a system that works quite well in Syria, Jordan, Egypt, Saudi Arabia, the UAE, Iraq, Iran and Libya:

…Addressing the basic requirements of justice, the secular democratic state model has the best chance to ethically de-dichotomize and decolonize, or de-zionize, Palestine, thereby leading to a just and lasting peace that is anchored in international law and universal human rights and is conducive to ethical coexistence. Such a process of non-violent transformation requires a revitalized, democratized Palestinian civil resistance movement with a clear vision for a shared, just society and international support for Palestinian rights and for ending all forms of Zionist apartheid and colonial rule, mainly through boycott, divestment and sanctions, BDS, campaigns.

Just as a side note, Omar Barghouti was permitted to present at the York conference although he has no Ph.D. and isn’t an academic. His bio at the conference stated that he is:

…A founding member of the Palestinian campaign of boycott, divestment and sanctions (BDS) against Israel to uphold international law and universal human rights…He holds a bachelor’s and master’s degrees in electrical engineering.

Using those standards, it’s surprising that the York conference didn’t invite me to give a talk about Zionism and justice, but what can you expect when the conference itself was organized by another fella, Mazen Masri, who didn’t have a doctorate. Master’s degrees are apparently excellent degrees – and in fact all you need – to possess when decrying Israeli apartheid.

An interesting omission on the conference’s bio of Omar Barghouti is that he is currently studying for a doctorate at an Israeli university – Tel Aviv University. Of course, Mazen Masri, the conference’s co-organizer, earned one of his degrees, a law degree, at Hebrew University in Jerusalem. APARTHEID!!

Just in case this isn’t fully clear, allow me to explain. The apartheid state of Israel funds its public universities with taxpayer funds. Needless to say, these are the taxes paid primarily, though not solely, by the apartheid-monster-like secular and modern Orthodox Jewish Israelis to the apartheid state of Israel (there are serious tax collection problems in the Haredi and Arab sectors because of poverty rates and rejection of the authority of the state). Then, these apartheid-funded apartheid universities allow non-Jewish Palestinian Arabs (or Israeli-Arabs if you prefer) to study within them at apartheid-taxpayer subsidized rates. True success is measured by the urgency and vigor of the graduate’s attacks on Israel. Mr. Masri and Mr. Barghouti are indeed poster children for how efficiently and effectively this system works.

In fact, it works so well that Mr. Barghouti decided to stick it out after his master’s and go for the doctorate.

Now, you may be thinking in your little apartheid-loving mind that somebody should try to get Barghouti out of Tel Aviv University since the tax dollars could go to another student who might decide to, you know, practice apartheid instead of decry apartheid. Well, you apartheid-junkie, you think just like a colonizing settler who is victimizing the indigenous Barghoutis! In fact, some of them wrote letters and put out a petition addressed to TAU complaining that apartheid regimes don’t subsidize their enemies.

Go and tell that to the apartheid President of Tel Aviv University:

OFFICE OF THE PRESIDENT
May 3, 2009
Dear Governors and Friends,
I am writing to you to clarify the University’s standing on the recent debate regarding Omar Barghouti, a Tel Aviv University master’s student of philosophy. Mr. Barghouti is leading an international campaign to boycott Israeli universities, despite being a student at one of those universities.
A university campus should be a place that encourages and tolerates free speech, no matter how offensive the expressed opinions may be to the majority of students and faculty at that institution, or indeed to the public at large. Our university has adopted a similar policy also in previous occasions. Moreover, if legal issues are involved, a university does not have the authority to prosecute individuals. Rather, such a matter should be pursued by the State through legal channels.
In response, therefore, to the petition calling for the expulsion of Mr. Barghouti that will be submitted to us in the near future, the University cannot and will not expel this student based on his political views or actions. He will be assessed only on the basis of his academic achievements and excellence.

Yours faithfully,
Prof. Zvi Galil

It is easy to understand why the world needs a boycott, divestment and sanctions movement against Israel and its apartheid policies, isn’t it?

By the way, when a Forward reporter asked Barghouti about his subsidized Israeli education, Barghouti said that he “wouldn’t discuss his personal life.”

Of course not. Who has time when one is fighting apartheid?

When his column didn’t appear this weekend, we were worried. I will personally miss this master wordsmith, and columnist who I have enjoyed reading for 22 years. A fierce defender of Israel, winner of the Presidential Medal of Freedom, and a Jew. His obit on JTA is impressive – but I had to post his NY Times obituary, the paper he called home.
From the NY Times Obit:

There may be many sides in a genteel debate, but in the Safire world of politics and journalism it was simpler: there was his own unambiguous wit and wisdom on one hand and, on the other, the blubber of fools he called “nattering nabobs of negativism” and “hopeless, hysterical hypochondriacs of history.”

He was a college dropout and proud of it, a public relations go-getter who set up the famous Nixon-Khrushchev “kitchen debate” in Moscow, and a White House wordsmith in the tumultuous era of war in Vietnam, Nixon’s visit to China and the gathering storm of the Watergate scandal, which drove the president from office….
And from 1979 until earlier this month, he wrote “On Language,” a New York Times Magazine column that explored written and oral trends, plumbed the origins and meanings of words and phrases, and drew a devoted following, including a stable of correspondents he called his Lexicographic Irregulars.

The columns, many collected in books, made him an unofficial arbiter of usage and one of the most widely read writers on language. It also tapped into the lighter side of the dour-looking Mr. Safire: a Pickwickian quibbler who gleefully pounced on gaffes, inexactitudes, neologisms, misnomers, solecisms and perversely peccant puns, like “the president’s populism” and “the first lady’s momulism.”

There were columns on blogosphere blargon, tarnation-heck euphemisms, dastardly subjunctives and even Barack and Michelle Obama’s fist bumps. And there were Safire “rules for writers”: Remember to never split an infinitive. Take the bull by the hand and avoid mixing metaphors. Proofread carefully to see if you words out. Avoid clichés like the plague. And don’t overuse exclamation marks!!

Last Tuesday, the Bulgarian Irina Bokova was elected to be the new secretary general of the UNESCO. Bokova’s election and and of itself would hardly be newsworthy [Off-topic: I don't believe that it's really newsworthy that a woman holds a position; such reporting actually reveals a non-emancipated mindset as emancipated thinkers should not be surprised if a woman gets elected into office. Just an off-topic rant. Thanks for bearing with me, and I do hope you won't label me a "self-hating woman" now.] had her opponent not been Egyptian Culture Minister Farouk Hosny.

Apparently, a few countries that had originally supported Hosny changed their mind. The outcome of the vote was close, but not in favour of Hosny, and Bokova eventually received the support of the majority.

So far, so bland – had Hosny and Egyptian media not suspected respectively accused an international Jewish conspiracy behind several states’ change of heart and Hosny’s defeat.

From WaPo:

Egyptians are blaming heavy-handed lobbying by Jewish organizations and intellectuals for the failure of Egyptian Culture Minister Farouk Hosny to win the position of UNESCO secretary general.

[...]

After the vote, Mr. Hosny blamed his defeat on a conspiracy by his Jewish detractors.

“It was clear by the end of the competition that there was a conspiracy against me,” Mr. Hosny told reporters at the Cairo airport upon his return from Paris, the Associated Press reported.

“There are a group of the world’s Jews who had a major influence in the elections who were a serious threat to Egypt taking this position,” he reportedly said.[Full article]

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or ever…

So says Rabbi Eliyashiv, a litvack rebbe, in response to a question by a yeshiva student. The Rabbi ruled that

…it is best not to wear Crocs shoes on Yom Kippur even though they are not made out of leather and, therefore, would seemingly be permissible for the holiday. His reasoning behind the ruling is that they are too comfortable, and thus don’t provide the level of suffering one should feel on the holiday.

As if being stuck in a hot, crowded room with a bunch of people who haven’t brushed their teeth or bathed isn’t suffering enough? What next? Will Jews have to crawl to the synagogue on their knees and utter a “Hail Mary” after every step they take? Oh wait. No. That’s the Catholics. But whatever, close enough!

But I’m no rube. I wasn’t born yesterday. I can read the writing on the wall. The name of the game is more and more chumras (stringencies) and baby? Business is booming! As the Chief Rabbi of my own made up denomination of Judaism, the Temple of the Ephemeral Jews, I’d like to one up Rabbi Eliyashiv. I declare that no only are Crocs unacceptable on Yom Kippur, but from this day forth Crocs are unacceptable ALWAYS. They are a blight on God’s creation and an offense to mine eyes. Whosoever shall wear Crocs shall be immediately smitten by a swift kick to the buttocks delivered by mine boots. So it shall be written, so it shall be done. This rule does not apply to kitchen staff who, while at work, are on their feet all day and constantly shmushing around in grease. It also doesn’t apply to Jahne, pictured on the right posing with a giant Croc in Hell Aviv, because, well, because Jahne can do no wrong.

Anyhow, have a meaningful fast and if I have done any of you wrong this year, well… you probably deserved it. But I am nothing if not magnanimous, so I forgive you all. Except for you. And you. Both you stupid fuckers are beyond redemption.

Oh. One last thing. Just in case Rabbi Eliyashiv has any litvack mojo super powers, let me make it clear that he did not ban Crocs. He said they were permissible but that it would be better not to wear them. I don’t think that counts as a chumra. OK. Peace out brothers and sisters!

Hmmm. An Open Letter?

The Anti-Hate Declaration: An Open Letter to the Toronto Palestine Film Festival
September 25, 2009

Let me state for the record that I am merely expressing my opinions and I do not advocate a boycott against TPFF. This is merely a protest letter.

I have been inspired by the letters of protest and boycott against the 2009 Toronto International Film Festival and have come to realize that as a member of the international internet, film, culture and media arts communities, I am deeply disturbed by the Toronto Palestine Film Festival’s decision to host a celebratory film festival in 2009 with an emphasis on certain types of Palestinian films. I protest that TPFF, whether intentionally or not, has become complicit in the Palestinian propaganda machine.

In 2009, Hamas, the ruling party in Gaza, was accused by the UNHRC’s Goldstone Report of alleged war crimes and crimes against humanity. In response, a Hamas minister announced to the press that the Palestinians were using “primitive rockets” and were actually aiming at army bases. This disingenuous response after the launching of 8000 rockets at Israeli civilian centers, including towns as far as Ashdod and Beersheva is clearly unsatisfactory and serves as no defense.
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It was one year ago, that I became a member of the Jewlicious family, when CK offered me the opportunity to blog. This time of year, I’m thinking of everything that has happened over the past year; the good and the bad, the happy and the sad. I know that its a bit belated, but I wanted to take this opportunity, on the Shabbat prior to Yom Kippur, to wish everyone a Shannah Tova and Gmar Chatima Tova. May we all have a meaningful fast, and be written into the Book of Life. May this be a year of peace and prosperity for all of us, and for all of mankind.

In this spirit, I wanted to share this clip with you, my Jewlicious family. A friend of mine, who was involved in its making, brought it to my attention and thought that we all might enjoy it. Shannah tova!

24 September 2009, Israeli Prime Minister delivered a stunning speech to the United Nations. His speech could be broken down in four parts: First, he denounced Ahmadinejad as a Holocaust denier and expressed his shock and horror at the Iranian Premier being given a forum for his rabid anti-Semitism at the United Nations. Second, he called upon the United Nations and its member states to prevent a nuclear Iran, which he noted, was not merely a danger to Israel, but a danger to the worlds. Third, he questioned the Goldstone Report, noting that while the United Nations saw it fit to claim that Israel had committed war crimes (despite having repeatedly warning civilians to leave the bomb zones via flyers, phone calls, and text messages), that same United Nations had not once denounced Hamas’ actions during the eight years in which Hamas terrorized the citizens of the south of Israel. He, also, reminded the Council of Israel’s right to self defence, a right endowed to all nations, including the Jewish one. Last, he discussed peace, stating quite clearly that Israel desperately wants peace, but not at the expense of its own security and state survival; peace and security must go hand-in-hand.

On the first day of Rosh HaShanah, the community known as Beit Midrash Ohr HaChaim in the Bay Area was treated to the following words written by Rabbi Chanan Feld, which his wife, Jody, read to the congregation because her husband is fighting a serious illness. More on that below…

Thoughts on Rosh HaShana
By Rabbi Chanan Feld

We’re asked to be expansive. Peer and project far
beyond for another 365 days.
Another cycle of limudim, moadim, parshiot, life cycle
events.
Posture of hope, confidence…our tshuva wil be
accepted….This is just the beginning!

The polar extreme of being consumed by the moment,
the focus on each breath, sometimes every mili-second.
Sometimes those moments on the other side of
our time and space.

Is it the dreamer’s imagination, flying unfettered
over the days to come
Or the mindful one mining the moment of now,
who experiences the true pulse?
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Kapparos or Kaparot (Hebrew: כפרות‎, “atonements”) is an ancient Jewish ritual to save oneself from a harsh Heavenly decree by it being effected on another object. Vegetables, fish, money, and other objects have been used throughout the centuries, and this is done on the eve of Yom Kippur. The service is performed by grasping the object and moving it around one’s head three times, symbolically transferring one’s sins to the object. The object is then slaughtered or donated to the poor, preferably eaten at the pre-Yom Kippur feast. (Wiki- with RY edits)

Because some have a custom to do this with a chicken – this is the picture that people have in their minds when they hear kapparos/kaparot. It’s a graphic image. But many people do it other ways.

Rashi did it with a basket of vegis.

So what way do you do it?

The way the Arab world views Netanyahu’s speech. It is worth seeing how this speech was reinterpreted for the Arab world. They draw comparisons between Gaza and the Holocaust, and describe the UN as the body that created the Jewish state in the “heart of the Arab world”.

Delegates from Iran were absent, as Netanyahu denounced the UN for Iranian president Mahmoud Ahmadinejad’s previous speech.

This sick video is up on YouTube, and maybe it should stay there so that people see how repulsive the Westboro Baptist Church really is.

Paul, Ringo and Yoko need to sue WBC for every dime they have, with some really smart Jewish lawyers.

Hat tip to y-love for pointing this out.

ed. note: If you’re in Park Slope, NY on Saturday Sept. 26th, please show your support to Congregation Beth Elohim which is scheduled to be picketed by the members of Westboro Baptist Church. Mazal Tov to little Natalie Chertoff who will be celebrating her bat mitzva that day.
–ck

[Sidenote: for a COMPLETE list of Middle Eastern hottie/dead leaders, see this link.]

I am concerned. Muammar Gaddafi doesn’t have a place to sleep during his stay in the United States, having been denied by the Dirty Zionist town of Englewood, New Jersey,possibly denied by Jewish conspirator Donald Trump, and turned down at a number of major New York hotels.

To help him feel a little more at home in his Bedouin tent cum traveling Ringling Brothers Flying High Top as he continues to bring the Haterade on America (and Israel), I’ve graciously come up with a list of locations should feel free to use.  You can thank me later, Mo Mo.  Preferably by giving me my own AK-47.

1.  Newark, New Jersey-Its crime rate has plummeted to only 60% shootings every day!
2.  My home hood near Susquehannah Univesity, Pennsylvania, where there’s only a slight chance he’ll get cancer
3.  Clearfield, Pennsylvania, where he could possibly choke to death/die of cholesterol poisoning from a 5 lb burger
4. Some place in New York where there is a very small chance he could get run over by an epliplectic lorry driver (WTF is a lorry?)
5.  And the most obvious place?  An actual Bedouin Tent! Granted, it’s a restaurant and probably they could stick him near the sink or something, but still.  Duh, MoMo.  Think on your feet.  How did you ever stay in power so long.  You should just hire me to do all your major decisions for you.  First decision Ouiki would make? (yes, that’s right.  There’s no V in Arabic, so you have to substitute with a U.  No wonder Lybia never got anywhere.  How retarded is that? Oueri.)

There is an funny story about how I came to be in this skit with Triumph, on the Chabad Telethon, and then on Conan. Enough to say that God has a great sense of humor, Robert Smigle is a comic genius, and I am not sure that I should get an agent just yet.

The Triumph skit that we did on for the telethon was then recut and put on Conan Friday night in honor of Rosh Hashanah, and that is what you see above. Have you voted tonight for Jewlicious ?

Jewlicious has signed up to be a participating organzation for the NYC protest organized by the Stand for Freedom in Iran Coalition.

Protests are planned in major cities against the Iranian dictators. Perhaps this is the year we can get him locked up for taking American hostages in Tehran.

NY hotel refuses to host Ahmadinejad

Helmsley Properties management cancels event scheduled to host Iranian president after being approached by United Against a Nuclear Iran organization. ‘Neither the Iranian Mission nor President Ahmadinejad is welcome at any Helmsley facility,’ says hotel spokesman

Protest list courtesy of StandWithUs & The Israel Project

NEW YORK:
Date: Thursday, September 24, 2009, Time: 12 p.m. (noon)
Location: Dag Hammarskjold Plaza, 47th Street and 2nd Avenue, New York, NY
Contact: info@standforfreedominiran.org or 212-983- 4800 x 152
Web site: www.standforfreedominiran.org

LOS ANGELES:
Date: Wednesday, September 23, 2009
Time: 6:00 p.m. to 10:00 p.m. Location: The Federal Building on Wilshire and Veteran
Sponsoring organization: StandWithUs, Signs will be provided, tell your friends! Note: There are no bathrooms on this corner

WASHINGTON DC:
Date: Thursday, September 24, 2009
Time: 12 p.m. (noon)
Location: Farragut Square Park, 17th and K Streets
Contact: Arielle Farber at afarber@jcouncil.org or 301- 770-0881
Web site: www.jcouncil.org

DETROIT:
Date: Thursday, September 24, 2009
Time: 5:30 p.m.
Location: Holocaust Memorial Center Zekelman Family Campus
28123 Orchard Lake Road, Farmington Hills, MI 48334-3738
Sponsoring organization: Jewish Community Relations Council of Detroit
Contact: Allan Gale at gale@jfmd.org or 248-642- 2641; Robert Cohen at cohen@jfmd.org or 248-642- 2640
Web site: www.detroitjcrc.org

ST. LOUIS:
Stand for Freedom in Iran Rally
Date: Thursday, September 24, 2009
Time: 12 p.m. (noon)
Location: Jewish Federation, 12 Millstone Campus Dr., St. Louis, MO, 63146
Contact: Arlene Baer at abaer@jcrcstl.org or 314-442- 3871
Web site: www.jewishinstlouis.org

Special thanks to the Israel Project for helping us create this list. See below for sponsors of the NYC protest:

The Stand for Freedom in Iran coalition is led by:
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Mayor Bloomberg,

Iran’s President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, the main supporter of anti-Jewish and anti-American terrorism in the world, must be arrested and tried for his crimes against humanity.

You will be hosting Ahmadinejad, one of the most evil men on earth, this week when he visits the UN for his turn to poke fun at the world’s democracies.

Just a peek at his recent portfolio:

STOLE the recent election in Iran,
TORTURES political opponents
LIES about the Holocaust, and his nuclear ambitions

Ahmadinejad has crushed his people and opponents, kept Americans hostage in 1979, and promises to wipe Israel off the map. His actions and his words speak volumes about his intentions to build and use nukes. He sends guns, ammo, land mines, missiles, money and bombs to Hamas, Hizbollah, and those killing American soldiers in Iraq. He is a murderous madman like Hitler, Stalin, and Mao.

Imagine the suffering that could have been avoided if anyone of them had been apprehended, tried and sentenced before they were allowed to institute their evil plans?

Do the right thing— and the world will thank you. It will raise your profile and your moral standing.
It will be a mitzvah.

America wants this madman off the streets.

SIGN OUR PETITION
JOIN OUR FACEBOOK GROUP

As I sat in a synagogue on Rosh HaShanah, I was disappointed that there would be no Avinu Malkenu and no Shofar. But in there was a lesson. Sometimes you don’t get what you expect, not on the holiday, and not during the year. I didn’t get to hear the shofar on the first day, Hagar did not get to remain with Abraham as she expected, and Hannah did not get a child when she expected it. And one must learn how to handle it when events do not meet expectations.

As I sat there, I wondered whether it was an accident that Rosh Hashanah and International Talk Like a Pirate Day (ITLAPD) both occured on September 19, this year? No, I say. There must be a hidden meaning in there. Rosh Hashanah, with its apples and honey in America, weanings, stories of Hannah, Isaac, and Samuel, and new years greetings, and ITLAPD, with its pirate-abonics… what is the deeper meaning? Yes, there are those who write that there were a handful of famous Jewish pirates after the Spanish Inquisition, among them Moses and Abraham Cohen Henriques, Sinan (Barbarossa’s second in command), Jean Lafitte (some biographies assert that his wife was a Danish Jew and that he was raised by his Jewish grandmother who suffered under the Inquisition) and Rabbi Samuel Palache. But that gets me nowhere. And then it dawned on me. It is the pirate word, “Arrrhhh.” Arrhhh means Hineni, Arrrhhh means “look at me, here I am.” We have made it another year. And that must be the lesson. Samuel Palache went from being involved in the privateer industry to becoming a rabbinical leader of the post Inquisition Dutch Jewish community. Teshuva is possible at any point. “Arrhhh” lets us celebrate that we made it another year, and we can look forward to another one. So, Avast ye mateys, and have a sweet new year.

We’re not really good at contests here at Jewlicious. We just give stuff away and we don’t ask you to do silly things like write a soul searching essay or eat hot dogs or send us naked photos of your girlfriend (Though feel free to do so anyway). So what do we have to give away today? Well… I guess the title of this post gave it away. Here’s the trailer, details of our lame-o contest after the bump.

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It’s not everyday you can pick up a bisseleh Torah from a Hollywood screenwriter. But you actually can every week.

David Sacks, who won an Emmy for his work on “Malcolm in the Middle,” and who has written for a bunch of other shows, sends out an awesome teaching every week. Here’s one of his latest Torahs from LA: “Becoming You.”

On Rosh Hashana, we pledge not to remain a cheap imitation of our old self.

There is a fascinating dialectic contained within Rosh Hashana. On one hand, it’s the beginning of the new year. And yet Rosh Hashana actually occurs in the seventh month, (Nissan, commemorating the Exodus from Egypt, is the first month — see Exodus 12:2.) This means that Rosh Hashana actually falls out in the middle of the year!

There is a deep secret contained in this. People reach the middle of their lives and think that meaningful change is impossible. Therefore, the Almighty put Rosh Hashana in the middle of the year to teach us that it’s never too late to begin again.

In the most obvious sense, Rosh Hashana is all about making God our king, for whom we have awesome respect and commit to following His instructions.

But there’s an even more primary step. The Kotzker Rebbe once observed that some people come to him in search of assistance to reach God. But their efforts are for naught, for “[God's] glory fills all the earth” (Isaiah 6:3).

Rather, the Kotzker taught, for whom must people search? For themselves.

Read more at Tolerant Nation

From Jonathan Berliner-from his 2009 High Holidays Reader… sources available upon request.

בראש השנה יכתבון וביום צום כפור יחתמון…

” On Rosh Hashanah will be inscribed and on Yom Kippur will be sealed how many will pass from the earth and how many will be created; who will live and who will die; who will die at his predestined time and who before his time; who by water and who by fire, who by sword, who by beast, who by famine, who by thirst, who by storm, who by plague, who by strangulation, and who by stoning. Who will rest and who will wander, who will live in harmony and who will be harried, who will enjoy tranquillity and who will suffer, who will be impoverished and who will be enriched, who will be degraded and who will be exalted. But REPENTANCE, PRAYER and CHARITY remove the evil of the Decree!” (trans. Wikipedia)

Who will live…

On April 8, 2009, four armed pirates boarded the Maersk Alabama, a cargo ship rounding the Horn of Africa. 21 crewmembers were taken hostage. After a long stand-off with the US Navy and failed negotiations, SEAL snipers killed the three pirates holding Captain Phillips with just three shots as the captain jumped overboard.

Who will die…

On Sept. 25, 2007, Michael Wayne Richard was scheduled to be executed in Texas for rape and murder. The defense filed for a stay of execution pending the review of another case, but missed the 5pm deadline. The Presiding Judge of Texas Court of Appeals, Sharon Keller, refused to hear the case, and Richard was executed that evening. On Feb 19, 2009, Keller was charged for judicial misconduct.

Who will die at his predestined time…

The life expectancy of US citizens is 78.11, ranked #50 among nations (CIA Factbook). According to the Census Bureau, 46.6 million Americans were uninsured in 2005, about 1/6 of the population. 1/3 of Hispanics are uninsured.

Who will die before his time…

On Sept. 11, 2009, 12-year-old Fawziya Abdullah Youssef died during her three-day labor for her stillborn child. Her marriage was arranged to a 24-year-old man (UNICEF).
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We all know that Matthue Roth has a way with words and he’s a straight shooter, so when he says “Sometimes, you just gotta let your heart cry out. In honor of Rosh Hashanah, and in honor of the Sway Machinery’s annual repentance tour, here’s the most extreme hazzanut I’ve ever seen…” well you know he’s not exaggerating. And I watched the video. And he wasn’t. Awesome. Even if it is an Ashkenazic niggun.

Hat tip: MyJewishLearning

The NY Times reports about a wartime service by Max Fuchs who led a service just before an attack. Fuchs was studying to be a cantor but the war interrupted.

A private first class in the First Infantry Division, Mr. Fuchs volunteered to sing that day because there was no cantor available. In fact, Mr. Fuchs had been studying to become a cantor, when the war broke out. But he had left his studies and was drafted, and never considered the chaplaincy.

His parents emigrated from Poland in 1934, when he was 12. Some of his aunts, uncles and cousins who remained were killed after the German invasion in 1939, he said in the interview. He wanted to fight the Nazis.

For 20 years afterward, Mr. Fuchs said, he suffered recurring nightmares about the war. He tried not to think about it too much.

And just to show you how on top of things we are on Jewlicious, this Youtube video has been out there for only 4 years, and it only took a NY Times article to point out the existence of this video to yours truly. We’re obviously getting old.