For those that are missing out, this is what you’re missing:

In 1985, then dissident and future Czech president Vaclav Havel, who died Sunday at the age of 75, wrote an essay entitled “Anatomy of Reticence.”

It was read at a convention of European anti-nuclear weapons activists in Amsterdam to which Havel was invited but, being under the strict observation of the Czechoslovak communist secret police, was unable to attend.

At the time, the nuclear “freeze” movement, which called upon the Western democracies to unilaterally disarm and opposed the deployment of American missiles on the continent, was at its height.

In words that surely must have pricked those who sent him an invitation, Havel sought to correct the “wholly erroneous impression that the only dangerous weapons are those surrounded by encampments of demonstrators.”

The point could not have been lost on the anti-nuclear campaigners, who were of course free to protest the policies of their governments and those of the United States. They could denounce “Ronnie Raygun” to their hearts’ content.

They could march outside meetings of the North Atlantic Treaty Organization and call for its dissolution. Yet Havel and his friends on the other side of the Iron Curtain were prohibited from doing so; there were no Czech or Polish or Romanian “peace camps” outside Soviet military installations.

Yet for pointing out the elementary moral differences between the free West and the Soviet-dominated East, Havel and his fellow dissidents were suspected of representing a “fifth column of Western establishments east of the Yalta line” by Western progressives.

If there’s one epigram among Havel’s voluminous work that encapsulates his life it was the admonition to “live within the truth.” Havel chose a life of public opposition to an evil regime, abandoning the relative comfort that comes with conformity.

He could have become an apparatchik, but he chose not to. He could have sought asylum during his first visit to the United States, just months before the Warsaw Pact invasion of Czechoslovakia of August 1968, but he returned home. He could have joined the communist writers’ union, but he wrote essays in favor of democracy and was thus banned from publishing his work.

At any point during his dissident career, he could have renounced his beliefs and lived a life of quiet conventionalism, or accepted the authorities’ offer of emigration. But he chose to live within the truth, and was imprisoned multiple times for his heresies.

As president of free Czechoslovakia and then, following the 1993 “Velvet Divorce,” the Czech Republic, Havel remained a dissident, of sorts, within his own country. He apologized to the Sudetan Germans, millions of whom were forcibly expelled (and thousands of whom were killed) following World War II.

Havel’s move was widely unpopular, and the 70-year-old issue remains a taboo topic in the Czech Republic to this day. He condemned racism against the Roma, or Gypsies, a long-excluded minority whom most Czechs wished would rather just disappear, stating that their treatment was a “litmus test” of democracy.

His support for the Iraq War was an act of dissidence in liberal-left European circles. In 2009, along with several other Central and Eastern European notables, he signed an open letter to President Barack Obama, expressing concern that the “reset” policy with Russia indicated that “the United States and the major European powers might embrace the Medvedev plan for a ‘Concert of Powers’ to replace the continent’s existing, value-based security structure.”

Havel’s life work was a living refutation of foreign policy “realists,” who argue that nations have interests devoid of moral considerations. Whether it was détente in the 1970′s or those who today argue for “accommodation” with a nuclear Iran, Havel warned against “the old European disease,” which is “the tendency to make compromises with evil, to close one’s eyes to dictatorship, to practice a politics of appeasement.”

Last year, I interviewed the author Christopher Hitchens, (who, in what has been an awful week for those who value the power of the written word, died three days before Havel), and asked him for his views on the former Czech president. What was most remarkable about the man, Hitchens told me, was that he did not fit the image of a revolutionary. “By putting on plays, by writing poems, by publishing essays, by making jokes, by demonstrating thevalue of the written word and a life lived in truth and by nothing else; no car bombs, no bullying, no fanaticism,” he said, Havel “brought the Ogre to a halt and let the air completely out of the bag.”

Havel, Hitchens told me, “was able to ridicule a whole edifice of totalitarianism” simply “by folding his arms and putting a smile, a knowing smile, on his face.” Havel continued to fight totalitarianism and indecency of all sorts after leaving office and until his dying day. He was an outspoken supporter of democrats wherever they suffered, from Belarus, the last dictatorship in Europe, to Zimbabwe. While many of his European left-wing comrades chose to ignore the plight of communist Cuba, he spoke openly and frequently against Castro’s tyranny. Last year he co-founded the Friends of Israel Initiative, a consortium of leading statesman committed “to combat(ing) the de-ligitimization of the State of Israel at home, abroad and inside the institutions of the international community.” His last public statement, issued just a week ago, was a condemnation of the Putin regime in Russia, a “specific combination,” he said, “of old stereotypes and a new business-mafia environment.” That Havel never won a Nobel Peace Prize – however dubious an honor it’s become considering its conferral to a terrorist (Yasser Arafat), a fraud (Rigoberta Menchu), and an undeserving novice (Barack Obama) – is an absolute scandal.

Havel’s last play, “Leaving,” portrayed, with characteristic self-deprecation, the existential angst of a president on his way out the door. Vaclav Havelmay have left us. But the ideas he championed never will.

Sacha Baron Cohen is doing his part to make sure the Arabs love us with his new movie “The Dictator.” His character seems kind of loosely based on Libya’s Muammar Gadafi, but with a beard and I am sure Cohen’s new movie is going to do for the Arab Spring what “Borat” did for Kazakhstan. Also starring Megan Fox, who does her part with a racy pictorial of famous dictators as hot chicks. The movie also stars Ben Kingsley who limits his promotional efforts to appearing in the trailer because, well, he’s not hot and when I look at him all I think of is Ghandi. And there’s nothing wrong with that, but, well… you know. Anyhow, enjoy the trailer. Can’t wait to see this in Jerusalem. Or Ramallah for that matter…

Yes. That is Megan Fox as Hot Hitler. Stern condemnation from the ADL coming in 3… 2… 1…

OK, ok, ok. Hang on a minute. The ADL hasn’t actually condemned Megan Fox. And we like to poke fun at them but now we can give them kudos for their latest missive. See, Lowe’s Home Improvement was running ads on this reality TV show called “All-American Muslim.” After receiving complaints from a creepy conservative, Christian, anti-Muslim group called the Florida Family Association, Loews pulled their ad from the TLC show. The ADL’s response? “We are disappointed with Lowe’s decision to pull advertising from TLC’s ‘All-American Muslim’, since it appears that they took this action in response to an appeal that was rooted in anti-Muslim prejudice,” said Abraham H. Foxman, ADL National Director. Good on ya Abe for calling on Loew’s bullshit response that the company removed its ads because the program “raised concerns, complaints or issues from multiple sides of the viewer spectrum.” Right. What spectrum is that? The knuckle dragging, ignorant, red neck klansman spectrum?

Clare Danes, the star of Homeland, a 24-like show based on the Israeli series Hatufim, was on Conan the other day when the subject of Israel came up. She had been there to shoot some scenes where Israel substituted for Iraq (safer, better shwarma). Here’s what she had to say about Tel Aviv’s night life:

That’s a great observation Claire. It is indeed very stressful in Tel Aviv! Folks stress out over things on a daily basis like “should I get an Americano or a Capuccino?” or “When is that last bus to Holon!?” or “How will I convince the IDF draft office that I am a religious girl now that all those intense party photos of me are on Facebook?” Oh the humanity.

The stakes have gone up. For your significant other’s next birthday, if you think a card, some flowers and dinner is going to cut it, forget about it. Here is what Meny Hilsenrad, a 30-year-old post production and 3-D specialist at Israeli VFX and animation company Studio Aiko did – a video card:

Here’s his description:

This project was created as a birthday surprise to my beloved wife Moran,” he writes. “It is entirely CG work except for the hands which were shot. … The overall time it took to produce this piece was 9 months. The pre-production took 6 months and included gathering the entire photos I had which were quite a lot (approximately 25,000 photos). Then to choose and filter only the most suitable 372 photos according to the offline editing I did. The production itself took 3 months and included the creation of the 3-D scene, animation, compositing and final edit.

That’s right. Nine months. That background? All 3D Computer generated. After this, and Canadian Sean Ohlenkamp little bit of Anniversary geekery, we’re all screwed. It’s three months to Valentine’s Day. Now you have to be thoughtful, creative, talented and if the finished product doesn’t go viral, your special lady friend might very well be disappointed. Thanks Meny, thanks a fucking lot. Happy birthday Moran.

Literally!
But before you get outraged or excited, depending on your perspective, I’m not talking about Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin (Bibi) Netanyahu and President of the Palestine Authority Mahmoud Abbas. This had nothing to do with insisting on the “right” of return, or some dispute involving the Nakba. I’m talking about Zainab Bibi, 32, who was arrested in connection with the murder Tuesday of her husband Ahmad Abbas in Karachi, Pakistan.

Bibi drugged her husband Abbas, hung him, chopped his body up into 51 pieces which she then proceeded to cook in an attempt to get rid of the body. Neighbors alerted the police when they smelled a putrid odor emanating from the house – which is weird because I always thought people stew would smell like chicken.

Why did Bibi do this to Abbas? It wasn’t to thwart a statehood bid but rather to prevent Abbas from getting his grubby paws on Bibi’s teenage daughter from a previous marriage. Here, watch the report from CNN:

And remember… don’t mess with Pakistani women…

@tabletmag recently released their list of “Top Ten Jewish Tweeters”, who are defined as Jews who have the most followers on Twitter. Topping the list are @pink @chelseahandler and @drake.

This brings to mind the JTA’s 2010 Jewish Tweeter List. This was arrived at my a complex process of anylizing tweeters with Twitalizer, which ranks influence. ” It represents a metrics-based approach to Twitter usage of a select group of individuals over a particular period of time who were nominated by their peers.” Twitalizer reports, “Influence is the ability for someone to persuade others to drive a certain action, be that to retweet, share information, drive action or contribute to charity.” They listed @MASisMore @JewishIdeas and @daroff — but there was controversy. And currently, @masismore has 58 followers and something seems amiss in Twiiterland.

The Huffington post in July published their own list too called aptly “Jews on Tiwtter”. Their list criteria are about Jewish voices. “Here we have scoured the Twittersphere (and our own @HuffPostRelig feed) for some of the best Jewish voices on Twitter. These individuals provide commentary on current events around the world, daily Jewish life, holiday traditions, scripture — even addiction and recovery.” Topping their list is: @dialogueeditor @rabbidan and @recoveryrabbi – their list is dominated by rabbis, this rabbi-writer-tweeter excluded.

Then their are the tweeter analyzers. If you type Jewish into Croudstatus you see that @daroff @jyuter and @yeahthatskosher are at the top of the list.

Klout is another platform for analysis. “Klout is a San Francisco based company that provides social media analytics to measure a user’s influence across their social network.” @pink has a 74, @chelseahandler has 73 @drake has a 90.

According to Klout – the top Jewish tweeters on topic of Judaism topic are: @jewishdaily (clout score 54 @jewishweek (41) and @frumsatire (61). For the record @Matisyahu is 55

According to Klout the top Jewish tweeters on topic of Jewish are: @chabad -(51) @jewishtweets (44) and ….. @jewlicious (58)

For the record – klout lists @daroff with 66, @sarahksilverman with a 76 and and @kingsthings with a 66. Which means that William Daroff and Larry King have the same amout of Klout on Twitter though they have vastly different numbers of followers. And @biz co-founder of Twitter has a 67. Our friend @mobius1ski has a 57 which is not too shabby at all. And all around Jewish pundit @estherk has a 67.

Last but not least, Wefollow has listed the most influential tweeters under topic Jewish as: @jewishtweets @jtanews and @Jewlicious as the 1,2,3 in Jewish Twitterland. And based on number of followers: @jidf @israel and @jewishtweets .

Mac Miller, the son of a non-Jewish Father and a Jewish Mother hit #1 on Billboard this week with his new album “Blue Slide Park.” Miller, 19, whose real name is Malcolm McCormick, uses his Mother’s maiden name and has had a Bar Mitzvah. No, he’s not related to Matthew Miller aka Mattisyahu, nor is he related to Kenny McCormick, a fictional character on South Park. But never mind that Jewy stuff. What’s really news worthy about this Pittsburgh rapper is the fact that this is the first time in 16 years that an artist represented by an independent label hit the coveted #1 spot on Billboard after selling over 144,500 albums. Also noteworthy is the fact that 76% of the album sales were digital.

Oh my God! They're not related!

How did Miller and his relatively small label, Rostrum, run by Benjy Grinberg, do it? Since there was no big publicity budget, they relied on hard work and social media. Miller has over 1.1 million followers on twitter, over 35 million views for “Donald Trump,” the video for his an album he released for free last spring, and, when he’s not recording, he’s doing shows 6 days a week – nurturing the perfect real world and virtual community that set the stage for his stunning Billboard debut. In fact, he rejected big label offers, preferring to stick with “the home team” – a decision that seems to be a wise one, allowing him to make rapid decisions and cultivate fervent, grass roots support.

Below are his Youtube videos for “Donald Trump” and “Blue Slide Park.” Given his laid back dope smokin’ persona, it’s pretty much a given that you won’t see him at either TribeFest, the GA or at a Presentense event, but keep an eye on this boy. He may come off all gangsta but he is a legitimately talented musician who plays piano, guitar, drums and bass. He’s also clever. You know, like all those Jews…

Read more:
- Young Rapper Rides Internet to the Top of the Chart [NYT]
- Mac Miller Puts Indies, and Pittsburgh, On Top [WSJ]
- 19 Year White Jewish Rapper From Pittsburgh Has Number 1 Album [Showbiz411]
- Jewish teen rapper’s first album tops Billboard chart [JTA]

Check out this Jewish cover of LMFAO’s “Sexy and I Know it” it’s called “I’m Jewish and You Know it” and is set mostly on the tayelet in Tel Aviv. According to Richard Silverstein, a well placed source told him that this video was produced by the Mossad and rogue elements in the Russian-Israeli community, and is meant to distract the world while Israel attacks his beloved Iran. No really. Thanks go to our Russian Dolls at Jewlicious.ru for bringing this video to our attention. They were all into it because it was produced by a bunch of young Israeli Russkis. Who knew Russians could be funny!

But here’s the thing, watch the original version by LMFAO:

Did you notice the older gent in the video? No, that’s definitely not William Daroff. That’s legendary porn star Ron Jeremy! Which makes this video at least a little bit Jewish – if you can use “little bit” when referring to Ron Jeremy. If you know what I mean.

OK shut up. We can’t just always show Aish Hatorah videos ok? Does the Rosh Yeshivah know that LMFAO stands for Laugh my Friendly Apikoiris off?

P.S.: Bacon, bacon, bacon, bacon, bacon, no!

L: First cover R: Second cover – Sorry, I was having a veggie dog and uh… spilled some ketchup on it.

Last Week, Charlie Hebdo, a French satirical magazine, released an issue “edited” by a fake depiction of some religion’s founding Prophet. The cover depicted said Prophet stating “1000 lashes if you don’t die laughing.” Followers of this random religious figure, whose name uh… escapes me at the moment, are usually fine, upstanding and law abiding individuals. However, a few malcontents, unclear on the concept of free speech and offended by said Prophet’s depiction, firebombed the editorial offices of Charlie Hebdo. A group of hackers from Turkey also took over the Charlie Hebdo web site, leaving the following warning, more or less:

You keep abusing [some religion's] almighty Prophet [I couldn't quite read it] with disgusting and disgraceful cartoons using excuses of freedom of speech … We will be your curse on cyber world!

Refusing to be intimidated however, the staff at Charlie Hebdo upped the ante, with their next issue which depicted what might be the same Prophet, or just some random dude of certain extraction, making out with a male member of the Charlie Hebdo staff. Apparently, those fanatics who totally do not represent the rest of their coreligionists, find depictions of their Prophet offensive, and they also probably don’t take too kindly to the notion that their Prophet was gay. Or that any member of their religion, whatever that religion might be, I have no clue, would engage in homosexual acts.

The staff at Charlie Hebdo have relocated to the offices of progressive newspaper Liberation while fielding numerous death threats. They have also received messages of support from all corners, including from representatives of the very religion that they may have poked fun at. The head of the Paris uhm… place where they worship, Dalil Boubakeur, told journalists: “I am extremely attached to the freedom of the press, even if the press is not always tender with [my co-religionists], [my religion] or the Paris [place where I worship.]”

It’s still a pretty ballsy thing to do, even though the underlying “humor” is actually, surprisingly, not so funny. But you know, free speech, rah rah rah!

Details of his Yom Kippur service attendance with his new wife also have him quoted as saying that he wants to get married in a Jewish religious ceremony too. You see, Shevell and McCartney have not been near the chuppah yet. They were married in a civil ceremony. Historians of famous weddings have pointed out that this is just like his previous marriage to Linda where he was married at the Marylebone Registry Office.

Welcome to the Tribe Sir Paul, or should we start saying Sir Saul?

Gilad,
Let me first say that there are no words to describe the feelings that your release has triggered. A weird mixture of relief, happiness, and hope swept over me when I first heard that the Israeli Government had successfully negotiated for your release. Over the past five years there have been countless concerts, marathons, phone-a-thons, and other events all put on with the single purpose of trying to get you back home. I will admit that I honestly thought we would not be able to see you alive in person ever again. Thank G-d, I was wrong.

What you are going through right now must be somewhat confusing. For the last five years you have lived in a jail cell, cut off from the outside world. The phrase “just a man and his thoughts” comes to mind when I think of what you have suffered through. I could tell you that the world hasn’t changed much over the past five years, but I would be lying. The world has evolved; technology has advanced, civilization has prospered. You might find it a bit overwhelming to grasp all these changes but don’t worry, I am here for you.

I have decided to help you out by give you a crash course on everything important that has happened in the past five years. This list should work as a guide to help you navigate through modern day society. Think of me as your tour guide into the current state of the world. That said, you will still probably need to do some research on your own. I can’t cover everything in this letter, so you might want to Wikipedia any other questions you might have. Oh, that’s right! You probably don’t know what Wikipedia is. Wikipedia.org is a website that people use to research subjects such as History, Science and Jeff Goldblum trivia. Did you know that Jeff Goldblum was married to Gena Davis for three years? Now you know.

So sit back, grab a cup of coffee and let me educate you on all that you missed:

Let me start this list with some unfortunate news. Billy Mays died. That’s right, the Oxy-Clean guy died. I know this probably comes as a shock, but don’t worry, he lived a great life and he promoted some damn fine detergent. Michael Jackson also died, but no one really noticed; we were all still kind of stuck up on Billy Mays. Also, former Tennessee Titan’s Quarterback, Steve McNair, and Mr. Miyagi died. Aside from those four people no one else important has died since 2005.

Now that you’re back, you must be kind of tired. I bet you would like nothing more then to find a big comfy couch, pop some buttery popcorn, and watch a movie. The problem with that is that there have been very few good movies in the past five years. For every decent movie that Hollywood produces, there are also 10 movies that are glorified buckets of camel poopy. To save you some time, I have compiled a small list of terrible movies that have come out since 2005:

Elektra, The Wedding Date, Constatine, The Pacifier, Sin City, Unleashed, Fever Pitch, The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy, Kingdom of Heaven, Kicking and Screaming, Starwars Episode 3, Mr. and Mrs. Smith, Bewitched, The Dukes of Hazard, War of the Worlds, The Island, Stealth, The Green Hornet, Must Love Dogs, Bandidos, Serenity, The Brothers Grimm, King Kong, Rumor Has It, The Fountain, The Da Vinci Code, Superman Returns, Casino Royale, Over the Hedge, The Break-Up, Scary Movie 4, Failure to Launch, The Santa Clause 3: The Escape Clause, Open Season, The Pink Panther, Eight Below, You Me and Dupree, Eragon, Monster House, RV, Barnyard, Big Momma’s House 2, Flushed Away, Deja Vu, Miami Vice, The Holiday, The Shaggy Dog, Poseidon, Little Man, Hoodwinked, Rush Hour 3, Daddy Day Camp, Spiderman 3, National Treasure: Book of Secrets, Alvin and the Chipmunks, I Now Pronounce You Chuck and Larry, Ghost Rider, Meet the Robinsons, The Bucket List, The Game Plan, Beowulf, Disturbia, Fred Claus, The Golden Compass, Charlie Wilson’s War, Surf’s Up, Stomp the Yard, TMNT, P.S. I Love You, Atonement, Are We Done Yet?, Music and Lyrics, No Reservations, Dr. Seuss’ Horton Hears a Who!, Sex and the City, Marley and Me, The Chronicles of Narnia, The Incredible Hulk, Wanted, Get Smart, Four Christmases, Bolt, Bedtime Stories, The Mummy: Tomb of the Dragon, Journey to the Center of the Earth, Eagle Eye, Yes Man, 10,000 BC, Beverley Hills Chihuahua, What Happens in Vegas, Cloverfield, 27 Dresses, Vantage Point, Fool’s Gold, The Happening, and finally, Mama Mia.

That list only spans up until 2008, I would have gone further with the list but I was afraid that my computer would start getting depressed. Oh! By the way! All computers have emotions now. Welcome to the future.

Don’t worry, Hollywood has also made some good movies over the past several years. Here is the complete list of movies since 2005 that haven’t sucked:

xXx: State of the Union, Batman Begins, Norbit, The Departed, Tyler Perry’s Madea’s Family Reunion, The Fast and The Furious 3: Tokyo Drift, and Soul Plane Snoop Dog was robbed of an Oscar for his portrayal as the hip hop pilot in the movie Soul Plane.

Now onto everything you missed in TV. I know that before you got captured you were probably super excited for two things: the series premiere of “Heroes” and to find out what the smoke monster was on “Lost.” Well Gilad, be prepared for some disappointment.

Let’s start with “Lost. “Lost” was a great show for people that hated great shows. To put it bluntly, “Lost” was 6 seasons of my life I will never get back. I know what you’re thinking “But Eitan, I’m sure they explain everything perfectly clear in the last season and I’m sure they tied everything up by the last episode!” Well Gilad, you are correct! Everything was crystal clear by the finale! I left the end of that show saying “wow, I understand completely what just happened and I am super pumped that Ross and Rachel are finally getting back together” Oh wait, I’m sorry, I was thinking of the finale to “Friends.” The Finale to “Lost” was a lot different then that. The Finale to “Lost” was a great finale if you wanted to end the show not knowing at all what just happened. The finale to “Lost” made me audibly yell, “WAIT! I’M NOT DONE WATCHING YOU! EXPLAIN TO ME WHAT YOU JUST DID!” The only real question that the show solved was where the polar bear came from, which was not a question anybody really cared about. It is like if your parents came home and were like “We are having pizza for dinner. Also, your father and I are getting a divorce” and then I say “WHAT!” and then my mom says “Yes, pizza, we got it from Sammy’s Pizza store.” No one cares about the pizza.

In conclusion, don’t watch “Lost.”

Now I know you were excited to watch “Heroes” but don’t. Watching “Heroes” was like dating a girl that you hated but after every date you were like “OK, that was a terrible date, there is no way that the next date can be any worse then this past date.” At some point in the third season watching “Heroes” became less like “Hooray! Heroes is on!” and more like “Crap, I need to watch Heroes AGAIN?!” The big question that you are probably wondering is why I kept watching. That is a very valid question. I don’t really have a great answer for you aside from the fact that I was too far into “Heroes” to quit. I had gone too far and couldn’t turn back. “Heroes” was my Vietnam. “Heroes” was eventually put out of its misery in 2010. We all rejoiced.

Not all is bleak though, TV does have a lot to offer and there is some great stuff out there. Watch “Dr. Who” if you want to date a nerdy girl and watch “Terra Nova” if you always were like, “Boy, I wish they made a crappy TV version of Jurassic Park”. Don’t watch “Whitney,” we all thought “Whitney” would be bad, we didn’t think “Whitney” would be terrible.

I don’t know much about music so I can’t really help you there. I know three things about modern day music. 1) Lady Gaga is nuts 2) Adele has a voice I can only describe as “Buttery” and 3) The Maccabeats are to Jewish girls what Justin Bieber is to every girl.

Nothing has really happened in the past five years in global news, politics and the economy. Oh! Wait! America got a black president, which was pretty cool.

So there you have it. Everything important that has happened in the past five years. I hope you enjoyed and welcome back to society!

Sincerely,
Eitan Levine

Eitan is a New York based stand-up, improv and sketch comic. He can be reached at Eitanthegoalie@gmail.com.
Follow him on Twitter! @Eitanthegoalie

Jewish Foundations can learn a thing or two from this video. The Clinton Foundation’s celebrity brain trust is already SO Jewy, it wouldn’t be such a stretch. Ben Stiller and Jack Black are unequivocally Jewish. Matt Damon isn’t Jewish but Sarah Silverman is and they were, you know. Sean Penn isn’t Jewish either but apparently he had a little something something going on with Scarlett Johansson (gross!!) – thank God that’s over. Honorary Jew status is conferred unto Ted Danson and Mary Steenburgen for appearing in the recent Make Some Noise Beastie Boys video. As a member of the Saturday Night Live crew, Kristen Wiig is also surely an honorary Jewess, as is Kevin Spacey who hosted SNL twice and played Jack Abramaoff in Casino Jack. And Clinton? Jewiest President ever, right? Right? Now the question is what Jewish Foundations would you like to see implement a celebrity brain trust? What celebrities should be involved? What awesome innovative ideas might they come up with? One can only dream…

You'd be smiling too…

Since leaving now ex-hubby Ryan Reynolds last December, Scarlett Johansson has been linked to a number of new suitors including Sean Penn (gross!), Kieran Culkin and Bradley Cooper. But now US Magazine brings us news that her latest something something is Joseph Gordon-Levitt. They both have many things in common – they were both child stars, they’ve both starred in superhero movies, they both juggle a number of extra-curricular projects – and most notably, they are both yids. Basically the two were spotted kissing last July while having dinner in New York. They’ve known each other for a while, and in 2010 there was talk of a zombie based romantic comedy, Breathers: A Zombie’s Lament. “They first met about a film they wanted to do together,” one source told Us, “but it’s gone beyond that now.”

I don’t know what’s more exciting, the Jew thing or the zombie thing. I’m hoping this develops into both deeper professional and personal relationship. Fun trivia fact? Joseph Gordon-Levitt’s parents were amongst the founders of the Progressive Jewish Alliance.

“The Takeover,” is the lead single from the forthcoming Y-Love LP. The song explodes with African rhythms and clever wordplay, featuring Jamaican dancehall artist Tj Di Hitmaker, and super star comedian/actor, Andy Milonakis (MTV/Jimmy Kimmel). The influence of the street is palpable as influences by new artists like Major Lazer and Nicki Minaj combine seamlessly with classic hiphop wordplay from Y-Love. Producer Diwon (mastermind behind Shemspeed Records) skillfully blends Middle Eastern beats with clubbed-out hip-hop, giving the record an entrancing worldly sound ready for the dance floor. Y-Love explores a variety of styles, from dance and world to pop, to express his underlying message of harmony: “Unity builds the world, all divisions destroy the world.” The Takeover music video is the first collaboration by these artists and lets the fans really feel like they are right there with the artists, it’s up close and in your face and the video editing takes a spastic ‘dj scratch and blend’ style creating an ADHD reggae hip pop video destined to motivate the masses.

additional info at AOL’s celebrity site, The Boombox!

BUY NOW:

DIRECT | ITUNES | AMAZON

don’t follow: @YLove, @AndyMilonakis, @TjDiHitmaker er @Diwon.

New York Mayor Michael Bloomberg took time off from his busy schedule to wish Google a happy Bar Mitzvah. Google was founded 13 years ago by MOTs Sergei Brin and Larry Page. I don’t know if this occasion was marked by a celebration of some kind – awkward speeches, parents, grandparents and family members walking in to light 13 candles in honor of the Bar Mitzvah boy, awkward dancing etc. – but I do know of a couple of Jews who did have a sort of celebration recently.

The Jews I’m talking about are SNL comedian Andy Samberg and facebook founder Mark Zuckerberg who hammed it up onstage at facebook’s F8 developers conference-slash-nerdathon. Samberg came on pretending to be Zuckerberg, fooling none of the fanboys in attendance I’m sure, and made some suggestions, ie The slow poke – takes 24 hours to deliver and can be rescinded at any time in case of drunkenness – that made more sense than the new scrolling ticker or timeline features of facebook. Here’s a video of the performance:

Feh. Nerds. Facebook will be celebrating its Bar Mitzvah in 6 years. Hopefully Mike Bloomberg will be retired from politics by then.

Here’s Winehouse’s last video, Body and Soul sung with Tony Bennet:

Next on the mic is Scarlett Johansson who has the FBI investigating how nude photos of her appeared on the Internet. Johansson was apparently the victim of a hacker or hackers who managed to access her smart phone where the images were stored. Of course Johansson also exercised bad judgement in taking the photos in question an storing them somewhere insecure. But what else is new? I mean, speaking of bad judgement, she did “date” icky Fast Times at Ridgemont High actor Sean Penn for a few months recently. While that “relationship” may be over, the horrifying mental images it inspired remain.

Meet Sarah Grunfeld, a 22 year old student at Toronto’s uhm… prestigious York University (disclaimer: I attended York). Last Monday was the first day of classes and Sarah was attending professor Cameron Johnston’s “Self, Culture and Society” class. Professor Johnson began the class by discussing the fact that “the course was going to focus on texts, not opinions, and despite what they may have heard elsewhere, everyone is not entitled to their opinion.” He then gave an example of an opinion that lacked worthiness by stating “all Jews should be sterilized.” Sarah missed the first part apparently, but definitely heard the second part and immediately stormed out of the classroom mistakenly assuming that Professor Johnston made an anti-Semitic slur. She then alerted school officials, the Press, Jewish organizations and all her friends on Facebook and twitter that Professor Johnston was a horrible anti-Semite. When contacted by reporters, Johnston, who is actually Jewish by the way stated (very kindly I might add):

I think it’s a very good thing that people are sensitive to this kind of remark, and I think it’s a very good thing that someone would respond immediately and deal with it if they thought that they heard an anti-Semitic comment, … But in this case, it’s a misreading.

Grunfeld, for her part, may have to change her name after she graduates in order to escape the repercussions of the following statement: “The words, ‘Jews should be sterilized’ still came out of his mouth, so regardless of the context I still think that’s pretty serious.” Uhm. They also came out of her mouth. Just now. No? In any case, she released a statement standing by her initial accusations and deriding the University administration for not supporting her and the media for ridiculing her – read it and you be the judge, though so far, it doesn’t look so good. Of the 450 students in the class, Grunfeld is still the only one publicly identified as complaining. Grunfeld is set to graduate from Dork York this year. Good luck Sarah!

You know who else needs a bit of good luck? 25-year-old Katherine Goldberg who was flying from South Africa to London when she consumed an entire pint of whiskey. Afterwards she reportedly developed a mad crush on one of the male flight attendants: “She proceeded to sexually assault one of the crew members by demanding to have sex with him and grabbing his penis and crotch area.” A tearful Goldberg was granted unconditional bail and will be back in court on September 22. Good luck Katherine. Stay off the hooch and uhm… update your gaydar.

Well that’s it for now, though the week’s not over yet…

Please, Steve?

It’s time to take back the Jewish film.

With the announcement that Mel Gibson aims to helm a Judah Maccabee picture and the immediate hell-no-we-won’t-go-response of the Anti Defamation League and the disdain from other Jews and Jewish groups, one can only hope that actual Jew Stephen Spielberg’s imaginative wheels are churning on his next undertaking, even if only to thwart Hollywood’s leading anti-Semite.

Warner Brothers should be ashamed of themselves for giving Gibson a soapbox to stand on, even if he pinky-promises a lovely tale of Jewish triumph (he hasn’t, he won’t). Surely the entertainment world would quickly reconsider if the situation were say, Chris Brown making an Ike & Tina biopic. Fans of cinema don’t need Braveheart retelling and cheapening the story of a central Jewish figure like he did with his Christ picture. Oh, and need we remind the studio heads at Warner Brothers that the family behind the “Warner” name was Jack, Harry, Albert and Sam Warner, sons of Jewish immigrants from Poland. And that WB CEO Barry Meyer is also one of the Chosen People — much like most of high powered Hollywood, but who’s counting?

Who is Mr. Gibson that he can just select such an extraordinary figure in Judaic biblical lore? Yes, he has money and connections, but who are we to allow him the option? Nevermind that he will have the creative say in how he chooses to depict the story, the kind of freedom that any director has in portraying his vision, what to highlight and omit, as well as the very basics of filmmaking such as who to cast and where to film. Nevermind that he will also be granted Freedom of the Microphone as he makes his promotional rounds, toting about his beliefs like Moses and his staff, without any nod to sensitivity or humility behind his past indiscretions. And nevermind that he will earn money with the version of the story he chooses to portray as he attempts to claw his way back to the movie star respect he once had – you know, before his anti-Jew tirades, Holocaust denial, alleged physical abuse, anti-gay spewings, and overall there’s-a-lot-to-dislike-about-this-man (and his father!) public meltdowns. Gibson doesn’t have an ounce of tact in him, nor thoughtfulness or delicacy that would advise him to just stay away from this project or any other twisted association to films about Jewry.

Instead, Spielberg take a stab at it. Your films could use a revolutionary makeover. Not that we’re not looking forward to Tintin orLincoln, or we didn’t appreciate your producing endeavors like Super 8 and Transformers (I advocate for casting true-Jews Shia Labeouf in any picture), but we’re missing the smarts and conviction of your films prior. The magic behind a Dreamworks picture that doesn’t revolve around a robot or an explosion scene. Remember all the harsh criticism following 2006’s Munich? The movie was marred a political protest againstyour own tribe; the Jews were angry, the Arabs were angry, and the Americans largely ignored the project. A new Israeli-Jewish hero movie could not only redeem that blunder, but it would do exactly what cinematic audiences would like to do to the now well-intended (he’s not) Mr. Gibson: stick it to him.

How about a rousing picture of biblical Samson? Or King David? More modern luminaries color Israeli history, from prime minsters to the distinguished story of Yoni Netanyahu of Operation Entebbe (Kevin Macdonald’s The Last King of Scotland ends with the beginning of the 1976 Entebbe hostage crises, practically setting the table for a new film to retell that saga!), all just begging for a Hollywood touch. Show Gibson and Co. exactly what a hero tale is, what timeless and legendary really mean in the giant spectrum of cinematic remakes and technological breakthroughs, a place where original, heart-rendering tales tend to get lost in the shuffle. Recall the emotion of Schindler’s List and Saving Private Ryan. The innocent tenderness of E.T.The wit and wisdom of Catch Me If You Can. Even The Terminal had us leaving the theaters with some semblance of hope, a smirk on our faces, and a huge feeling of pride for our Jewish Director King. Moreover, a Spielberg film would be nothing were it not for the circumstances surrounding it and the message it should tell.

So here’s your message, Mr. Spielberg: Mel Gibson is doing it wrong. Another way for him to taint stories with hatred and publicize the entire ordeal. This is a man who just starred in a movie about a beaver puppet. Take the matter in your own hands in the way only you can. We’ll be waiting with breath baited and popcorn buckets aplenty. Make a picture, make us proud, and really show ol’ Mel who’s boss, not only in cinema and Hollywood, but in the kindness and dignity of the human landscape.

Next year a picture about Jerusalem?

We eagerly await!

Signed,
Your we’re-not-seeing-a-Gibson-picture fans

Judah Braveheart Maccabee? Couldn't resist. Sorry.

Looks like Mel Gibson is going to be teaming up with screenwriter Joe Eszterhas (Basic Instinct, Showgirls, Betrayed, Music Box) to produce a movie about Judah Maccabee.

I know. Weird, right? And on so many levels. Many felt that Gibson’s 2004 film The Passion of the Christ depicted Jews in a negative manner (Hellooo, christ killer, hello!). In 2006, after Gibson was pulled over for drunk driving, he said to the arresting officer “Fucking Jews… the Jews are responsible for all the wars in the world.” Gibson is also a Traditionalist Catholic who reject the reforms of Vatican II and his father is a conspiracy theorist and Holocaust denier. And yet… he’s been working on this movie about a man who is arguably the most celebrated Jewish hero ever. Well, at least judging by Hanukah standards. Others see Judah Maccabee, who defeated the Greek-Syrian armies in the 2nd Century BCE, as a kind of blood thirsty Jewish fundamentalist.

But whatever, I have no idea what Gibson is thinking. Might this be an attempt to regain favor with the Jews in Hollywood? His last film, Jodie Foster’s Beaver, was a total financial failure. Maybe a Jewish Braveheart might not be such a bad idea after all? But will the Jews ever forgive him? I guess we’ll see.

UPDATE: Jeffrey Goldberg of the Atlantic has a uhm… fascinating conversation with Mel Brooks about the Judah Maccabee project. And circumcision…

Coupable!

Former chief fashion designer at Christian Dior, John Galliano, was found guilty of making “public insults” based on origin, religion, race or authenticity after an incident where he spouted racist and anti-Semitic insults at drinkers in a bar. Galliano’s 6,000 euro fine was suspended in light of his apparent contrition, but he was ordered to pay court costs and lawyers fees amounting to 16,500 euros as well as symbolic damages of 1 euro to each of the five complainants.

Galliano unleashed a tirade of insults against Geraldine Bloch, telling her she had a “dirty Jewish face” and was a “fucking ugly Jewish bitch.” Prosecutors showed the court a video of Galliano, taken at the same bar last October, where he told two Italian women “People like you ought to be dead, your mothers, your forefathers would all be… gassed. I love Hitler.” Galliano claimed he had no recollection of either incident due to his addiction to alcohol, Valium and sleeping pills.

The judge in the case noted that “All insults aimed at a person’s origin or religion are of a singular gravity and as such harm the fundamental principles of respect and dignity between humans.” Singular gravity? As in a singular euro? Galliano, who is a multi-millionaire, is said to feel very contrite after the verdict.